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RPG Joke Contest

ZF SSA Goten

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rules are simple. title, number, and post 5 jokes. i will pick a winner. the winner get's a secret surprise. if no one enters, i will release me llama on you.

1... "The Wrong Number!!"
Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's mad--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"



2... "Jesus Is Watching You"
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -

"Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,

"Did you say that?"

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar says , "What's your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says,

"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "



3... "The Nude Nuns"
3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"



4... "Old Couple Conversation"
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"



5... "Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel"
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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ok,1,2 and 3 were good, 4 was bad, and 5 was ok.

ive got some perverted ones so ill try to block them out. abd can we make it just 1 joke at a time please, i have other stuff to do to if thats ok with you.

1. Sand Box
One day a little boy and girl were playing in the sand box.
the boys pance fall down.
Girl:whats that
Boy:i dont know ill ask my dad.
Boy:dad what is this?
Dad:that is your tricycle,always try and park it in a girls garage.
the next day the girls pants fall down.
Boy:whats that?
Girl:i dont know let me ask my mom.
Girl:whats this mom?
Mom:thats yur garage,never let a boy park his trycycle in your garage.
the next day both there pants fall down, time passes and the girl gets home and has blood all over her hands.
Mom:why is there blood on your hands?
Girl:the boy tried to park his tricycle in my garage so i pulled his training wheels off.
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where to start?!

ok, i'll start ez...

Q: Why was raggedy ann thrown out of the toy box?

A:Becuz she kept sittin' on Pinochio's nose and screaming, "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!"
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[COLOR=blue]A hot model goes to Ireland on a vacation. She happens to see a parade and afterwards asks a man wearing a kelt. "Is there anything worn under the kelt"[/COLOR] [COLOR=blue]The man looks at her ,and says "Nope miss nothing is worn under the kilt. Everything is up and running"[/COLOR]

[COLOR=red]Three men were walking along one night, and happen to cross were someone had been murdered. A cop came up to them (you see one was a waiter, a rock star, and candy store owner. The rock star always said YEAH YEAH YEAH, the waiter always said FORKS AND KNIVES FORKS AND KNIVES, and the candy store owner said GOODY GOODY GUMDROUPS GOODY GOODY GUMDROUPS!!) and the cop says "Did you guys kill this man?" They all look at the rock star which reply's "YEAH YEAH YEAH" The cop is astonished, but asks "How did you kill him?" They all look at the waiter which says "FORKS AND KNIVES FORKS AND KNIVES" Now the cop is just plain dumbfounded, and he asks "Then how do you feel about this, and going to jail?" They all look at the candy store owner which says "GOODY GOODY GUMDROUPS!! GOODY GOODY GUMDROUPS!!"[/COLOR]

[COLOR=chocolate]A lawyer just getting his new Jaguar drives to work. Thinking how impressed his colegues will be he parks right infront of the window. As he is getting out a truck comes back way to closely and takes off the Jaguar's door. The lawyer histerical calls 911. WIthin minutes the cop is there, and without letting the cop get one word in, begins ranting and raving about his car, and how it will never be the same even after they fix it up. After 30 minutes the lawyer stops ranting and the cop says "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!!" the lawyer says "How could you say such a thing" The cop replies "You are missing your left arm it must have been taken off by the truck" The lawyer looks at where his arm should be and screams "AH MY ROLEX!!"[/COLOR]
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ok... i dunno what these are called.. but here they go:

1) John was in the supermarket buying some greceries. He was in a hurry to get home to his wife to get lucky:D. Then as he was about to leave, he says, "Dammit! I forgot the condoms!" The woman at the cash register asks, "What size are you?" The man replies, "I dunno." (Woman: )Pull down your pants and lemme check." With a lil bit of hisatation(sp?) the man does so and she feels up on his ****. "I need a box of large condoms in register 3!", she speaks into the phone. The rest of the line (all guys) see this and get excited. They all claim to have had forgotten condoms. So she does the same to all of the customers. When at last the line was coming to an end, a 17 year old trys too. He pulls down his pants and she does the same. Then, she speaks into the mic, "Clean up on Aisle 3!"

i admit, that was a sick joke, but o wellz... here's another one:

2) A man was driving up a steep hill very fast. He cannot see any thing over the hill. As he gets closer to the top, another car is coming from the opossite direction. A lady inside the cars shouts to the man, "PIG!" He shouts back, "B!TCH!" As he reaches the top of the hill, he sees a pig in the middle of the road and swirves out of the way rolling of the hill. :D

that one wasn't as sick.
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1. Three guys were hiking when they came across a cliff. at the cliff they heard a booming voice. "this is a magical cliff! it will turn you into anything you wish! just jump off and say what you want to be and it will be done!"

the three guys looked at each other and they thought that they might as well try it. the first guy stepped back, ran towards the cliff and jumped off saying that he was to be the richest man in the world and have all kinds of fancy stuff.
**poof** he dissapeared and reapeared at the top of the cliff all decked out in jewelry and what not.
"hey it worked" the guy said! "now i'll just wait for my helicopter
to come pick me up"

the second guy was amazed. he said "well i've always wanted to fly like the birds do so i'll wish for that" he stepped back, ran and jumped off the cliff and he wished to be an eagle.
**poof** he turned into an eagle and flew away.

this left the third guy by himself on the cliff. he started to step back wondering what he was going to wish for. finaly he thought of it. he started to run full speed but as he was about to jump he tripped on a rock and flew off the cliff yelling: "oh SHHHH*TTTTT!!!"


2. one day, three men were walking along when they came to a play-park.
suddenly, a wizard popped up, and said:
"when u go down this slide, whatever u say, there will be a coaldren (or however u spell it) of it at the bottom of the slide!"
so the first man tried it, and shouted out:
and he walked off with a giant coaldren of gold!
next, the second man tried it. he shouted:
and he walked off with a giant coaldren of silver!
last, the third man tried it. he shouted:


3. An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her,
"Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!


4. A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.

She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"


5. A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"


I have a whole file with millions of jokes in! :D
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1. A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror,
she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves
as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune,
Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heros.
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Once upon a time there was a boy named Pepito and a girl named Molly. They went together to school. One day, when they were passing a tree, Pepito said:
P-If you get me an apple I'll give you $10.
M-Mom told me not to.
P-I'll give you $20!

Molly climbed the tree, while Pepito looked under her skirt. Whe she got home, she told her mother how she got the money.
Mother-Don't you see he wants to see your panties?

The next day, they passed once again by the tree.
P-$30 dollars for an apple.
M-But Mom told me not to.
P-$40 dollars!

She climbed again, and Pepito saw again. Once Molly told her mother about the money, she was once again told not to let him see her panties.

Day 3....
P-I'll give you $50.

She climbed again, he saw again. Whe she got home...
Mother-Didn't you understand? He wants to see your panties!
M-That's why I didn't use any panties today:angel: .
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