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Journey Quest


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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]An idea I've been toying with. It's like one of those text-based adventure games. Or a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Basically, you all input commands after each segment. This will be useful because I can be spontaneous and stupid, which takes less planning and effort, plus I can make it as long or short as I want. Anyway...[/font]

[FONT="Fixedsys"][CENTER][I]You wake up in a DUNGEON. A quick glance at your surroundings reveals a SHOVEL, a DIRT FLOOR, an ESCAPE TUNNEL BLUEPRINT, and some SKITTLES.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Dig out[/B]

[CENTER][I]With what, your hands? Pick up the SHOVEL, bub.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Take Shovel[/B]

[CENTER][I]You grab the SHOVEL. You can't help but wonder why all the items are in all caps, but you suppose it makes them seem more awesome.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Take Blueprints[/B]


[B]> Take Skittles[/B]

[CENTER][I]You wonder why there were SKITTLES in the cell. Usually dungeon masters would rather feed their patrons CRUSTY BREAD and STALE WATER. You notice the caps and suppose that those items will probably come into play eventually.[/i][/CENTER]

[B]> Take the freaking Skittles already[/B]

[CENTER][I]You grab the SKITTLES. Happy now, punk?[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Dig escape tunnel[/B]

[CENTER][I]You equip the SHOVEL and begin to dig, following the BLUEPRINTS to the letter. Suddenly, you begin to see a light. You dig a little further to find...

Congratulations, Einstein. You just dug a hole through the bottom of an Airship. As you plummet to your doom, you wonder what kind of idiot designs an Airship with a dirt hull. You wonder if there's anything you can do to impede your downward progress.[/I][/CENTER]

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I would put in more effort but I'm tired.

[FONT="Fixedsys"][B]>Eat Skittles.[/B]

[CENTER][I]Well congratulations. your not hungry.[/I][/CENTER]

>Use Blueprints?[/B]

[CENTER][I] For what a Parachute?[/I][/CENTER]

[B]>Yes. Just use it![/B]

[CENTER] [I]Fine. You parachute to......i dunno a lake. on a Rock okay?[/I][/CENTER]

[B]>Hit Rock with shovel.[/B]

[CENTER][I]Hit it? okay.It breaks, and now your wet.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Swim.[/B]

[CENTER][I]Your on land.You come to a shack.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]>Do I have any Skittles left to use?[/B]

[CENTER][I]NO! Now continue![/I][/CENTER]

[B]>Open Door and proceed.[/B]

[CENTER] [I]Your crazy but okay. You come upon a dark shack. You can barley see, but for what you can see There is a ROPE, CANDLES, DSLITE, UMBRELLAS, and a LIGHTSWITCH[/I][/CENTER][/FONT]
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[quote name='Ace'][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Ah, should have explained it more clearly. The idea is; you suggest commands, I write the game.

Sorry for the confusion, dude.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

Ahhh. well there is an example for all the people. You never learn till you try. So are we back to the falling?
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[FONT="Fixedsys"][B]> Weave Basket[/B]

[CENTER][I]Lucky you, there appears to be some WICKER falling at the same pace as you are. While you're at it, you construct a BALLOON out of some passing FABRIC. You hop in and land safely.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Take Balloon[/B]

[CENTER][I]...How big do you think your pockets are?[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Pick up land mine[/B]

[CENTER][I]You don't see UP here. You do, however, see a MINE.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Take mine[/B]

[CENTER][I]Actually, this MINE is of the mineral-gathering variety.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Enter mine[/B]

[CENTER][I]You enter the MINE. You look around and discover a PICKAXE, a LANTERN, some MATCHES and DICK VAN DYKE.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Take strawberry jam.[/B]

[CENTER][I]The only STRAWBERRY JAM here is being jealously guarded by DICK VAN DYKE. You'll have to either befriend or distract him in order to retrieve it.[/I][/CENTER]

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[FONT="Fixedsys"][B]> Take lantern[/B]

[CENTER][I]You pick up the LANTERN.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Take matches[/B]

[CENTER][I]You pick up the MATCHES.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Light match[/B]

[CENTER][I]You strike a MATCH. The warm glow fills the room, dimly illuminating the darker corners. DICK VAN DYKE seems impressed by the display. This won't last long, though. Better transfer the flame to something more durable.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Ignite lantern[/B]

[CENTER][I]That's a stupid idea. You wonder why you ever though of it as you press the switch on the electric LANTERN. A warm glow fills the cavern, quickly outdoing the MATCH. You toss aside the MATCH, wondering why you ever thought you needed it in the first place.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> ಠ_ಠ[/B]

[CENTER][I]DICK VAN DYKE is quite sure you are insane and wonders how you ever managed to enter those characters, much less get the game to respond to them.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Throw lantern[/B]

[CENTER][I]Now let's be reasonable. If this game had any graphics at all, you would have instantly known that the LANTERN used a lightbulb.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Bare knuckle box Tom Brokaw[/B]

[CENTER][I]TOM BROKAW emerges from the depths of the MINE, clearly intending to kill. It is a tough battle, and the legendary newscaster lays down one or two right hooks that would make JACK BAUER envious, but the day is won and you eventually emerge victorious.

TOM BROKAW's body vanishes. Since that's what happens to dead people in video games.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Fail at previous action[/B]

[CENTER][I]Having already succeeded at the previous action, you instead fail at this one. DICK VAN DYKE seems impressed with your failure to fail. Now may be a good time to talk him out of some STRAWBERRY JAM.[/I][/CENTER]

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[FONT="Fixedsys"][B]> Do the truffle shuffle[/B]

[CENTER][I]You lift your shirt and shake what ya momma gave ya. Unfortunately, your ideal heroic stature does not include enough GIRTH for a proper TRUFFLE SHUFFLE. You will have to settle for a SEXY DANCE.

DICK VAN DYKE is unaffected by this bizarre display. Presumably he's just looking somewhere else for no particular reason.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Improvise[/B]

[CENTER][I]Nice try, MacGyver. This game runs on specifics.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Take eye-poking stick[/B]

[CENTER][I]You're not sure where it came from, but you wield the mighty branch on high. As you do so, you mutter an ancient verse to yourself. Something like:

O Lord, bless this thy holy EYE-POKING STICK,
That with it I may poke thine enemies in their eye,
in thy mercy.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Poke eye[/B]

[CENTER][I]That was stupid. You quickly fashion yourself an EYEPATCH out of the SKITTLES bag. Better get rid of these SKITTLES before they get all melted and gross.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Poke someone else's eye[/B]

[CENTER][I]You make a lunge for DICK VAN DYKE's eye. Suddenly, another figure steps in front of you.

You have poked WILFORD BRIMLEY in the eye.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Force-feed Skittles to Wilford Brimley[/B]


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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][b]Asexually divide[/b] thyself.

[b]Discover a realm[/b] beyond the reach of space and time.

Pick up [b]Pikachu.[/b]

Evolve [b]Pikachu.[/b]

[b]Throw Pikachu [Raichu][/b] at [b]Dick Van Dyke.[/b][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[FONT="Fixedsys"][B]> Pick up Pikachu[/B]

[CENTER][I]You see no electric mice here. As this is a mine, you are probably more apt to stumble across a GEODUDE. Or maybe a ZUBAT.

On a personal note, you swear to yourself that you will freaking barbecue any ZUBAT you see in this cave. Stupid ZUBAT.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Evolve Pikachu[/B]

[CENTER][I]As there are no PIKACHU to evolve, you do the next best thing. You politely ask DICK VAN DYKE for his STRAWBERRY JAM. You then tape two MATCHES to the top of the lid and one to its lower backside. Don't ask me how you know where the lower back end of a cylinder is. You just do. The STRAWBERRY JAM now very, very vaguely resembles a RAICHU.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Throw Raichu at Dick Van Dyke[/B]

[CENTER][I]You throw the STRAWBERRY JAM at DICK VAN DYKE. He narrowly dodges the projectile, which shatters, sending some JAM landing conveniently on some nearby TOAST.

DICK VAN DYKE has been trying to get that damn jar open for like an hour. In his eternal gratitude, he teaches you how to ASEXUALLY DIVIDE THYSELF using the vanquished BRIMLEY's DIABEETUS TESTING SUPPLIES.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Present Diabeetus testing supplies[/B]

[CENTER][I]You hand over the TESTING SUPPLIES. DICK VAN DYKE takes the LIBERTY MEDICAL BLOOD SUGAR METER and pricks himself just above the bellybutton. This causes DICK VAN DYKE to grow a SECOND BELLYBUTTON, which is far more rad than the first and can only be expressed via caps lock. He then explains the rest of the process in a long, boring monologue that I don't feel like sharing right now.


[B]> Grow a second bellybutton[/B]

[CENTER][I]You prick yourself in the stomach, opening a void for another cavity in your lower abdomen that hasn't been useful since you were born.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Divide thyself asexually[/B]

[CENTER][I]You complete the process and shove the OTHER YOU down your pants. For storage purposes, of course. You feel it necessary to mention that there is nothing violent, sexual or in the least bit strange about this action. Now get off your back, ESRB. With that over, you decide to head further into the MINE.[/I][/CENTER]

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  • 4 weeks later...
[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]Observe the mating ritual of local [b]Cave Dwelling Natives[/b]

[b]Escape[/b] native by using [b]Decoy[/b]

[b]Meet[/b] Old Mystic

Refrain from [b]Slaying[/b] Old Mystic

Aid Old Mystic with [b]Health Problems[/b][/FONT][/COLOR]
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  • 1 month later...
[FONT="Fixedsys"][CENTER][I]Your progress through the MINE is met with success. You emerge from the other side into a CLEARING. You then go right back into another CAVE, since the moonlight is so blinding. There appear to be some CAVE-DWELLING NATIVES dwelling in this cave.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Observe the mating ritual of local cave-dwelling natives[/B]

[CENTER][I]You are always fascinated by the traditions of other cultures, particularly the ones which are not typically exposed to foreigners. You quickly determine that you wish to observe the mating rituals of the CAVE-DWELLING NATIVES. You peek into a nearby dwelling and


[B]> Recover last Save Point[/B]

[CENTER][I]System reboot. Let's just pretend that command never happened.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Meet old mystic[/B]

[CENTER][I]You meet the Tribe's MEDICINE MAN. He seems like a fairly pleasant chap. Disregard the six inch dagger he's menacing you with.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Talk to medicine man[/B]

[CENTER][I]Uh-oh, looks like he only speaks binary. Tell you what, I'll translate. He says he's experiencing an unpleasant bout of MUMPS. He offers to help you if you are willing to help cure him. Oh, and you smell like a rotten cabbage. And that shirt is stupid.

I'm only telling you what he told me.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Shoot the messenger[/B]

[CENTER][I]You don't want to shoot the messenger.[/I][/CENTER]

[B]> Aid medicine man with health problems[/B]

[CENTER][I]You tell the MEDICINE MAN that you come across this problem a lot, and that a little BENGAY in the UNDERGARMENTS will clear it right up. In gratitude, he offers to introduce you to the PLOT. You agree to this, and add that he should probably tell you before testing your miracle cure, as you are quite sure that you'll want to get the hell out of Dodge before he figures out what's going on here.

System idle while PROGRAMMER hastily thinks up a plot.[/I][/CENTER]

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  • 10 months later...


You have just begun storming one of the AFOREMENTIONED CASTLES in search of the AFOREMENTIONED BABES. You suppose while you're at it, you should slay the KING OF UNPLEASANT THINGS.



[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][spoiler]You know what? I'm dropping the italiacs. It looks better this way.[/spoiler][/FONT]
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[FONT="Fixedsys"][B]> Bump into Banister Kitty[/B]

[CENTER]BANISTER KITTY politely inquires why you were so rude as to knock her off her perch on the BANISTER.

With her claws.

You might want to shield your EYEBALLS with your HANDS.[/CENTER]

[B]> Get attacked by Banister Kitty[/B]

[CENTER]That's already happening, meathead.[/CENTER]

[B]> Break expensive-looking vase[/B]

[CENTER]In your haste to remove BANISTER KITTY from your face, you accidentally brush up against the EXPENSIVE-LOOKING VASE. You're actually becoming rather frightened at the number of WORDS THAT RHYME WITH VASE. The URN topples and shatters, revealing a REBELLIOUSLY CONFORMIST T-SHIRT. You add it to your inventory.[/CENTER]

[B]> Run up Grand Staircase[/B]

[CENTER]You blatantly disregard everything your MOTHER ever told you about ASCENSION PROTOCOL. You are now at the top of the GRAND STAIRCASE. There is a LARGE DOOR guarded by a HEAVYSET UNDERLING. He is standing next to a VELVET ROPE. You assume you will need to raise your OUTCAST CHARISMA to pass.[/CENTER]

[B]> Slide down Grand Staircase banister[/B]

[CENTER]Your MOTHER would be very disappointed in your RECKLESS SHENANIGANS. Your descent is suddenly halted by the SUIT OF DECORATIVE ARMOR. Both yourself and the ARMOR are scattered about the floor, as is the VIOLENT-LOOKING MACE and the BLEACHED JEANS OF CHAFING that were hidden in the ARMOR.

In response to the noise, a CHARMLESS FOLLOWER enters the room from the RIGHT HALLWAY. Looks like he's cruisin' for a bruisin'.


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[color=darkblue][size=1]Steal FANTA from CHARMLESS FOLLOWER




Shift consciousness to ALTERNATE SELF

Retrieve loot from CHARMLESS CORPSE[/color][/size]
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  • 4 months later...
[font="Fixedsys"][b]> want Fanta[/b]

[center]You ready your VIOLENT-LOOKING MACE in anticipation of what's to come. The CHARMLESS FOLLOWER takes the traditional stance and prepares to determine WHOSE KUNG-FU IS STRONGER. Suddenly, you notice the neck of a bottle in the outer pocket of his MINION SATCHEL. It seems to contain an orange liquid of some kind...

Waitaminit, is that....

Yes it is! It's an ORANGE FANTA! Sweet Seyfert do you love ORANGE FANTA. Moreso than any ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE, in fact. You would sell your own mother for a lifetime supply of ORANGE FANTA, seriously. Don't look at yourself like that, you don't know your mother.

You need that drink.[/center]

[b]> steal Fanta[/b]

[center]You browse your CONFLICTECH list to choose your next attack. As it is your turn, the CHARMLESS FOLLOWER politely holds his ground waiting for your choice. You settle on ARTFUL DODGE. You feint a strike at the CHARMLESS FOLLOWER, only to step aside at the last moment. You use your opponent's momentary flinch to relieve him of his delicious beverage, then take your position back across the room.[/center]

[b]> spray Fanta in charmless follower's face[/b]

[center]WHAT? NO! You are outraged at the very idea of this! such a waste of the most delicious beverage you've ever encountered! The orange-y goodness of this ORANGE FANTA shall not be squandered in the face of this CHARMLESS FOLLOWER. His eyes do not deserve to be stung by the FRUITY BURST OF FLAVOR within this sacred bottle! A drink this tasty must be preserved and respected! Jeez, what is wrong with you?

While you're arguing with yourself, the CHARMLESS FOLLOWER moves in to strike. He suddenly pauses, bewildered by your apparent mental breakdown. This causes him to sacrifice his own turn. He moves back into position on the opposite end of the battlefield.[/center]

[b]> Jump, gypsy[/b]

[center]You settle on your next CONFLICTECH: JUMP, GYPSY. You raise your VIOLENT-LOOKING MACE above your head and lunge at your opponent. You swing with all your might and go straight through the CHARMLESS FOLLOWER, who promptly suffers CRITICAL EXISTENCE FAILURE. The slain adversary drops 40 pieces of PILLSILVER and his MINION SATCHEL. You decide to equip the satchel, all this junk in your arms is getting heavy.[/center]

[b]> celebrate victory[/b]

[center]You twirl your DANGEROUS-LOOKING MACE to the tune of the MYSTERIOUS FANFARE that plays whenever you succeed in a CONFLICT ENCOUNTER. After 28 years, you've learned not to question it, though it is possible that you're NOT ALL THERE IN THE THINKING ORGAN.[/center]

[b]> Switzerland[/b]

[center]Whoa there, Bucko. You can't use that yet! That technique was handed down to you by the MONKS OF THE ORDER OF SUPER MEGA KUNG-FU with the instructions that you must only use it in the most dire of circumstances. You can't just start launching it off at random! That would be DANGEROUS, IRRESPONSIBLE and UNSPEAKABLY COOL. Best save it.[/center]

[b]> shift consciousness to alternate self[/b]

[center]You can't do that yet, either. First, you have to get on the DOPE-ASS DISNEY TRAIN to get to the MAIN PART OF THE GAME.

In the meantime, you should probably get back up those stairs and confront KING OF UNPLEASANT THINGS.[/center]

[b]> INPUT COMMAND:[/b] _[/font] Edited by gallowsCalibrator
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  • 1 year later...

[font="Tahoma"][color="#000080"]Now that that's out of the way...

> climb stairs
> check door for traps
> open doors
> berate evil monologue
> fight KING OF UNPLEASANT THINGS[/color][/font]
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[font="Fixedsys"][b]> profit[/b]

[center]Yes, your return was foretold by a PROPHET. Jeez, if this were ANIMAL CROSSING, you'd be BURNED AT THE STAKE.[/center]

[b]> climb stairs[/b]

[center]You re-ascend the GRAND STAIRCASE and are confronted once again by the HEAVYSET UNDERLING. I totally forgot to mention that you leveled up when you killed that guy earlier, and your OUTCAST CHARISMA stat has accordingly increased just enough so that you can finally still not be able to convince him to let you pass. That VELVET ROPE ain't going anywhere unless you dig up some stat buffs fast.[/center]

[b]> check door for traps[/b]

[center]Nope, this dude is definitely a dude.[/center]

[b]> examine ground[/b]

[center]You have discovered a pair of IMPRACTICALLY DENSE SPECS.[/center]

[b]> equip specs, shirt, and jeans[/b]

[center]You equip the IMPRACTICALLY DENSE SPECS, the REBELLIOUSLY CONFORMIST T-SHIRT, and the BLEACHED JEANS OF CHAFING. Your OUTCAST CHARISMA skyrockets to a whopping value of LLAMA. That's like, six levels above DUCK. This'll probably leave that HEAVYSET UNDERLING reeling in awe of your UNDERGROUND FLAIR.[/center]

[b]> talk to heavyset underling[/b]

[center]The HEAVYSET UNDERLING inquires as to why you undressed and changed your clothing six feet in front of him. You respond that it's an ABSTRACT ART FORM that he's PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF. He responds that it just seems KIND OF RUDE. You reply that you have no time for his MAINSTREAM LAMENESS. He promptly removes the VELVET ROPE and allows you access through the LARGE DOOR, presumably because he's sick of your crap.[/center]

[b]> open doors[/b]

[center]You open the door and find yourself face to face with SIR ARCHIBALD KING, Duke of the FIEFDOM OF UNPLEASANT THINGS. He greets you with his most SINISTER CHORTLE and proceeds to inform you that he has been expecting you. He adds that while he already rules his realm with an iron fist, he thinks it would be TOTALLY AWESOME if the whole world were under his thumb. Therefore, he plans to make all the world leaders sign control of their countries over to him using his HAMSTER-POWERED BRAINWASH-INATOR. Very soon, it will activate and send all of the planet into a state of....

Oh dammit, he's monologuing again. What an idiot.[/center]

[b]> berate evil monologue[/b]

[center]The Duke is offended. In a fit of rage, he moves in to strike, leaving you only seconds to react. You leap away from the initial blow and ready yourself for another[/center]

[center][b]CONFLICT ENCOUNTER[/b][/center]

[b]INPUT COMMAND:[/b]_[/font] Edited by The Professor
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