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Writing Why Primitive People Should Not Be Able To Download Instant Messengers [PG]


Dragon Warrior
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[size=1]This is simply a short article I wrote on people being dumb on instant messengers, chat rooms, and the internet in particular. I'm sure some of you can relate to situations where you've met some people like the following... enjoy this humorous look on the subject.[/size]

[center][b][size=4]Why Primitive People Should Not Be Able To Download Instant Messengers[/b][/size][/center]

[b][u]Introduction:::[/u][/b]

Why shouldn?t primitive people be able to download instant messengers you may ask yourself one fine Sunday afternoon in July when the weather is decently fair and you find yourself dining on a delectable piece of pecan pie (of course, you realize you hate pecan pie and discard the disgusting dessert). Well, the answer to that unnecessarily long question is quite unnecessarily simple. You see, primitive is a nicer way of saying someone is flippin? stupid and when you state that primitive people should not be able to download instant messengers, you?re just saying stupid people shouldn?t have instant messengers and instead should be beaten with a chair leg. If chair legs aren?t available at the time being, simply blast the said person into outer space to die of suffocation.

What do I have against primitive people having instant messengers? Why, it?s because primitive people use them wrong or stupidly, ergo that?s why they?re primitive. Primitive people do primitive things primitively. I shall now go into further detail unless you choose not to read any longer, which I wouldn?t blame you if you did because things are about to get terribly boring.

[b][u]The Chain Letters:::[/u][/b]

Ghastly things, chain letters. Forged by Satan and spat out of Hell, chain letters invade the World Wide Web with their sinister plot to annoy and continue to annoy across the Internet. They hardly vary in anything original to say, but you can guarantee you?ll receive one almost every day of the foreboding week. If you work a crappy cubicle job that pays two dollars a week, then chain letters are your sign from God to give up and die already.

To put it plainly, chain letters are either about relationships, getting laid, some child who died and will eat your heart or toes if you don?t send this to fifty million people, or things very similar containing all three of the previous stated. And who starts these chain letters? Primitive people. Or bored people. But the people that are bored are so bored that their brain cells deplete from being so bored, therefore becoming stupid and as we already stated, stupid equals primitive. Voila, they?re primitive people anyways. If you?re one of those people, I don?t care. I stand by what I said.

Now assuming you?re not so sheltered that you haven?t seen or touched a computer before, you must have read or witnessed some innocent victim receiving a chain letter. The horrible things will state one of the previously stated ?junk? and expect you to send the same chain letter to everyone you have on your list so it spreads like a cold in the dead of winter. Quite frankly, people actually obey the call of the chain letter and assume the position of unleashing its wrath onto the unsuspecting people of their buddy list.

I?m not necessarily saying that the people that forward the chain letters are primitive too. I?m just stating that they?re less primitive than the ones who make the chain letters, but equally primitive to a broom closet. What is it about chain letters that is so appealing? Is it fun? Do they actually think if they send it to fifteen people that their true love will waltz up to them the next day and mack on them for five minutes straight? Or maybe they?re still one of those bored people who?s brain cells are depleting and they need something to fulfill their rotten lives of nothingness?

These could all be reasons since people vary, as they say, but if you qualify for any of them, I?m afraid I must pronounce you as ?a very sad person, indeed.? Being a very sad person, indeed, is indeed sad. You should avoid becoming one at all costs, so when you see a chain letter, use the few brain cells left in your head (assuming they haven?t all disappeared into nothingness) and discard the chain letter, whether it?s in your offline messages, e-mail, or in an instant message.

But what if you can?t contain yourself, you may ask? Or what if you have already turned to the dark side? I?m afraid that if you?ve already become a chain letterian? chain letterer? chain LETTERAN? then there?s no hope for you left. If you feel the need to contribute to the chain letters, but you aren?t into it just yet, have some friends who are not primitive help you avoid its pull. Get out there and do what kids do these days and stay clear of nasty chain letters and their chain letteran followers. Goodness knows what might become of you if you base your life around sending a message to twenty friends so a man won?t show up at your door with a head and want to give you a swift kick to the shin.

[b][u]I?m Away, Damnit!:::[/u][/b]

This actually happened recently, you see. I was off to the movies for a jolly ole film, so I made sure all my instant messengers made it clear that I was not at my computer, but that I was at the movies. But primitive is as primitive does? or however that saying goes. My Yahoo Messenger clearly stated that, ?I?m At The Movies! If you need me, call my cell. If you can't get through, it's because I'm in the theatre.? Okay, first off, let?s count how many times I said I was at the movies. One? two? is there a third? No? Very well, twice I said it. But then we add in that I had my ?Away? symbol up on the Yahoo Instant Messenger, so that kind of somehow makes up for it.

Anyways, I?m getting distracted.

So, I stated I was at the movies. When I get back, I find a nasty surprise that some primitive fool on my Yahoo left me. Though I was at the movies, he actually bothered talking to me as if he could start a conversation with my absence. He asked ?What movie?? and ?Hello?? and ?Are you there??

Oh, I?m terribly sorry to tell you this, but you?re a frickin? idiot!

It?s these kind of people that will someday make the world go POOF because they were too primitive to know that pushing the big red button that says ?Explode The Earth? was a naughty thing to do. Nevertheless, we?re alive right now and while we?re alive, these stupidheads will use their primitivity (is that even a word?) to annoy or otherwise act retarded on the Internet. How can someone not see the away message? And what?s even more ridiculous and mind-boggling is that they actually did see the message, were aware of my absence, and yet continued to try and carry on a conversation. I?m afraid I must question their sanity. Honestly, it?s really sad.

And that?s not the only time that has occurred to me. And if it has happened to me, it must happen to everyone? well, almost everyone. There are those who only have one or two people on their buddy list because they?re so weird that everyone blocks them. And then those people stalk down those who blocked them and the people who blocked them are forced to beat said person with a chair leg. You know who I?m talking about.

It?s not always being away either. It can also be when you?re busy. You?re sitting there in your chair, eating a pecan pie (though you hate them) and decide to put up a Busy status on your Instant Messenger because you?d rather not be bothered. But as we all know, primitives strike again! ?Hey, I see you?re busy,? they?ll say in retard jargon. You?ll tell them to go away, but they still don?t take the hint. Why don?t they take the hint? Has all their brain cells depleted already?

I think it?s fair to say those idiots should be removed from your list along with the loser with two names.

[b][u]Hello?:::[/u][/b]

We get stupider as we arrive on the subject of the annoying people who are too impatient or stupid to realize it takes other people more than two seconds to reply. You?re talking to someone in a chat room or Instant Messenger, right? They say something to you, you reply, they reply, then there?s a slight pause from message trading while you reply to another instant message. Big mistake.

The annoying person who is impatient sees that you haven?t replied yet (though only three to five seconds have passed), gets panicky and starts spamming you with messages like ?Hello?? and ?Are you there?? and of course, the grammatically incorrect internet slang version read as ?wehre did u go?!1!1!? When you finally get back to that chat window, you have thirty received messages and the person has logged off in frustration. If they haven?t logged off, you?ll probably tell them calmly that you?re still there, but only a few moments later, the same situation will occur.

What?s worse is when the person is hypocritical. They?ll reply, you?ll reply, then it?ll take them ten minutes to send you a new message (and the whole time, you patiently wait without firing deadly spam messages of ?OMG WHERE DID U GO?!!!?). Then of course, you don?t reply for a second and? you know the rest. I?m pleased to say, if these people don?t learn their lesson first chat through, they?re not worth holding a conversation with.

Maybe your instant messenger doesn?t work properly or theirs doesn?t? This isn?t anyone?s fault, but it can lead to the same kind of confusion. The other person is only a stupidhead when they don?t believe you that you didn?t receive their messages and blame you for hating them. Whiny, whiny, whiny! This is where chair legs come in handy. Wouldn?t the world be simplistic with a chair leg button on your computer that you could push and have a leg of a chair just whack the living hell out of another person?

[b][u]Liar! You Lie To Me!:::[/u][/b]

How stupid do people on the Internet take you for? Considering a lot of Internet users are stupid (where do you think the primitive people come from?), I guess they take you for really stupid. But when the inferior types trap us more intelligent beings, we can?t help but poke fun. In chat rooms, you?ll find those who lie out their pupils trying to impress you. Some things they say aren?t even appropriate.

I don?t know about everyone else, but if I bother going to a slimy chat room, I?m just there to mingle a little before doing something crazy?like watching a humorous animation (which tend to turn out rather shallow and unentertaining). But girls or guys who either want to chat or hook up for an online relationship?ll most certainly bombard you. Try to avoid them because 99.99999999999999 percent of the time these people will lie to make them sound appealing. Like the old cliché thingy majiggy where girls will say they have 34DD sized breasts. Oh, really? Every girl in the room has that size, hm? My, that?s very improbable, but hey, who lies on the Internet, right?

And do these people seriously not have lives enough to realize not everyone on the Internet is attractive? Whenever a lady asks me what I look like, I put it simple and say ?blonde hair, blue eyes.? For some unknown reason, butter is delicious on toast. And for some other unknown reason, girls go wild when you say you?re blonde haired with blue eyes. Sure, I really am, but not every blonde-haired, blue-eyed male is drop-dead gorgeous. Honestly, get a grip on reality, people. We?re living in a fantasy.

Guys in chats seem way too pleased to have at least one person of the opposite sex in the vicinity (or the same gender, depending on sexuality priorities). Nevertheless, things are getting a little out of hand around here. But I suppose we?ll have to leave these primitives to their dreaming. It may be all they?ve got. Maybe a chair leg to the head would knock some sense into their bloomin? minds.

[b][u]?Yep.?:::[/u][/b]

Ever wound up talking to someone who only says things like ?Yep? and ?Cool? or even ?Ok?? It makes you feel like you?re talking to no one in particular or what you?re saying is meaningless to them?and perhaps it is, depending on who you are. If you?re the King of the World, obviously somebody?s going to listen to you. If you?re some brain-cell-lacking shmuck who lives in his parents? basement playing Nickelodeon webgames all day, you may have a chance of striking up a decent chat with a toaster. If not, with the crumbs from the toaster.

Back on the subject, though. It sometimes gets so bad with the Yeps, the Cools, and the OKs that even after you say something like ?My Grandmother passed away yesterday,? they won?t realize what they type and go into their habit of typing ?Cool.? Who says ?Cool? to a sweet old woman dying? Primitive people like this should skip the chair leg step and just be thrown into a busy street. But the police wouldn?t like that. They have some problem with the killing of people--even primitives.

------------

But even after studying how stupid people can be and after noting down how fast a hamster can devour an egg yoke, we?ve come to the conclusion that it?s just too hard to track down all the stupid web users and boot them off for good. Then Internet companies all over the world would fail. Don?t you see primitive people rule technology today? They pretty much make up 99.99999999 percent of the people on the Internet at this very moment.

I guess that?s just too bad. We?ll have to deal with primitives then. Take simple procedures in destroying their evil deeds. Block stupid people, delete chain letters, and for God sakes, give the annoying impatient people a whack or two if you ever meet them in real life (IRL, in Internet lingo). Who knows, you may have just saved some innocent smart person thingy from being ambushed. If not, then you may become a very sad person, indeed. Try not to, please. Until next time?

[b]MORAL:[/b] Have a chair leg handy.

[img]http://img131.exs.cx/img131/8930/dwwashere9rz.gif[/img]
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[color=#9933ff]*laughs* That was very entertaining, DW. It reminded me of a rant that somebody would put in their blog, but it was a LOT more well-thought out and revised, obviously. It's somewhere between a rant & an essay. And while I normally disapprove of conclusions like yours, I liked it because it reminded the audience of all the things on the list that stupid people on the internet do.

Technical stuff aside, it was just really, really funny. I get so annoyed at some people on the internet too, that I want to bash their head through the chair, instead, sometimes. ^^; But I really thought this was amusing, and it was written well, DW. ^_^ Yay! [/color]
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[QUOTE=Dragon Warrior][size=1][b][u]?Yep.?:::[/u][/b]

Ever wound up talking to someone who only says things like ?Yep? and ?Cool? or even ?Ok?? It makes you feel like you?re talking to no one in particular or what you?re saying is meaningless to them?and perhaps it is, depending on who you are. If you?re the King of the World, obviously somebody?s going to listen to you. If you?re some brain-cell-lacking shmuck who lives in his parents? basement playing Nickelodeon webgames all day, you may have a chance of striking up a decent chat with a toaster. If not, with the crumbs from the toaster.

Back on the subject, though. It sometimes gets so bad with the Yeps, the Cools, and the OKs that even after you say something like ?My Grandmother passed away yesterday,? they won?t realize what they type and go into their habit of typing ?Cool.? Who says ?Cool? to a sweet old woman dying? Primitive people like this should skip the chair leg step and just be thrown into a busy street. But the police wouldn?t like that. They have some problem with the killing of people--even primitives.[/QUOTE]

I'm probably guilty of this to a certain extent. But, it's because I get bored with people rather easily and I'm usually tired when I log on. I never disregard anyone enough to answer glibly over something important though.

Overall, this is pretty good. You go on a few tangents that break up the focus, but I admire your ability to remain witty and downright funny throughout this article. I'd done something similar before on myOtaku by using images, so that may interest you if you're able to dig through my not-so-robust archive. That's if the images are still up though. I'm not too sure.
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*rips the leg off a chair* EAT THIS BEOTCH!!!! *beats random people*

Okay... this story was interesting. The chair leg has appeared in many of your stories lately. I think if Im talking to a primitive, their family members passing away constitutes a "cool" just because it will make them cry. Yes I realize my heart is black like the ashes of the primitive I burned with a flaming pencil.
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[SIZE=1]I have to admit I didn't find that as funny as some of your previous stuff Gavin, a little too ranty for my tastes. Entertaining and made me smile a few times but nothing really leaped out at me to make my laugh or even chuckle.[/SIZE]
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Heh, I'm sorry, but most of this stuff is true. But hey, it is ranty and if rants aren't what you like, I'm not surprised you disliked it like you did. Oh, well. At least you like my other stuff ;)

Thanks for the... weird comments, people.

[img]http://img131.exs.cx/img131/8930/dwwashere9rz.gif[/img]
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Man, I love you.

Unfortunately, I think the primitives cannot read things about themselves. I've only ranted, like, four times about certain problems with some sites on MyO, and nothing has changed. There's still broken image links, too many images, background music (arrrgh!), and posts consisting of "Gee, life sucks. I'm gonna go watch some yaoi."

I do love pecan pie. Mmmm...
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[size=1][color=royalblue]Chair legs are handy, I see.
[quote]
I shall now go into further detail unless you choose not to read any longer, which I wouldn?t blame you if you did because things are about to get terribly boring.
[/quote]
Ehehehe...
The article was great, DW-kun, and it does sound like something you would find on a blog. Actually, to me, it sounds more like something one of my friend's would write. Waffle-chan loves to rant. >.>
You know, maybe theOtaku.com should have an articles section for the web. THAT would be entertaining. But then...eh...that would take some serious judging 'n stuff and...
Eh.
Yes. *salutes and walks off*[/color][/size]
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I've actually taken the liberty of submitting this as an article on theOtaku.com as a humorous Original Anime one, but I doubt they'll add it. We'll see in a matter of days.

Otherwise, thanks for the comments [img]http://img56.echo.cx/img56/3333/happy4wb.gif[/img]

[img]http://img131.exs.cx/img131/8930/dwwashere9rz.gif[/img]
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Guest Musicisonlyme
That was absolutely funny. I hate it when people instant message me when I'm away from my computer, that is unless..I fell asleep, then I want them too, so they can see if they can wake me up...O.o' Maybe I'm just weird like that. If I don't know someone and they're away or busy or be right back I wont bother them at all. If I know them and I need to talk to them, I just leave them a message if I have to go before they get back, but I'd never ask if they were there, but then I do know some people that put there status like that just because they don't want certain people bugging them, but of course just like you say it doesn't work since the person is already 'primitive' to begin with.

I liked it, it was great. You have a great talent in writing.
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