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Writing Crimes of Hate-Revised [M-VL]


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[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]Definitely not bollocks, love, far from it, and I insist you write more soon. For the good of the OB. I'm loving Xion's character (gotta love the bastards), and I can't wait to learn more about his sordid past with Ezekiel. Heck, forget murders, let's see some more character drama~[/SIZE][/COLOR]
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[SIZE=1]Well, this may be my first post on the OB, but after reading this, it shows that the OtakuBaords has some seriously talented writers about it. You actually feel like your reading a 'murder thriller' novel. It's quite enthralling actually.

I hope to be reading more of this quite soon, great job. The way you've developed your characters is magnificent, from a little bud you see the characters grow and develop into the flowers they are, and what they might become.

Good job.[/SIZE]
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Guest Jiraquoy
[Font=Georgia]Miss Ezekiel, I must say, that you have something great on your hands here. The emmotional range of this entire story is astonishing. Each chapter sheds new light onto something that could be very well be the crime to end all crimes.

I'm very surprised at the writing quality of this board like Perfection. You are a prime example of how well someone can write something when they set their minds to it. I'm awaiting the next part and hope that I can figure out the murderer before you unveil them.[/font]
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[SIZE=1][CENTER][COLOR=DarkSlateGray][U]Part 11[/U]
Ezekiel woke the next morning with her vision hazy, a single slash of bright light hitting her face through a small gap in the curtains. She glanced at her digital alarm through narrowed eyes, allowing herself a small grunt as she read the time as eleven-thirty. She couldn?t even remember last night, except for the copious amount of alcohol she had consumed, but the headache she would have to be nursing was more than enough evidence of that. It was only when she sat up ten minutes later did she realise that something was not quite right. Not bad, per se?different.

The smell of coffee was in the air, despite the fact Ezekiel didn?t own a coffee machine, and her room seemed a lot tidier than it had the night before. It was tidier than it had been in the last few months, come to think of it.

She stood on unsteady legs and found that she was still in her clothes from yesterday and, rather than feeling like a tramp, had a quick, reviving shower. When she walked into her living room, however, she was at a loss. All her books were away and her files stacked neatly on the coffee table. Things looked in general order, and the smell of fresh coffee once again found it?s way to her nose.

[B]?Morning,?[/B] Ezekiel jumped, staring at Xion as he leaned back in a dining chair, a glass of orange juice in front of him. He smiled warmly to the detective and gestured for her sit, breakfast and coffee already set out.


[B]?I?ll explain later,?[/B] Xion chuckled, his voice soft and warm and somehow comforting, [B]?Eat this first, I hear a good breakfast is great for hangovers.?[/B]

Ezekiel didn?t even bother to protest and joined Xion at her dining table, only talking to him again when she was full. It was then that he explained what had happened, and Ezekiel couldn?t help but feel ashamed. He had planned on leaving her after he?d got the file, but wasn?t expecting an emotional and drunken detective to be clinging to him as she sniffled her way through a painful rant about everything she?d done wrong. He?d ended up putting her to bed and staying to clean up her flat, because he much preferred it when their work relationship wasn?t like a cold war and this had seemed like the perfect opportunity to mend it. Ezekiel had seemed satisfied, if a little embarrassed, and that pleased Xion. He chose not to mention the part about watching her fall asleep, however. He wasn?t as good with handling shame.
The harsh screech of an owl is what woke a woman from what had been an undisturbed sleep. She sat up, her back rigid, and tried desperately to pull thoughts back from her chloroform-clouded mind. A man?a strong man, she recalled, had attacked her. He must have grabbed her on her way home from work, and drugged her before she could put up a protest, because she wasn?t a woman who would go down easily. She brought a hand to her chest to check that her clothes were intact and found that thankfully, they were. She couldn?t see very well and only knew that she was sitting up on what seemed to be a bench, not dissimilar to ones doctors have.

[B]?Sakura, calm down??[/B] a soft voice said, laced with a whisper of amusement, [B]?I haven?t hurt you yet, have I??[/B]

Sakura drew in a sharp breath and searched frantically in the gloom, her eyes darting quickly for any sign of a person. She could barely see her hand in front of her eyes and could only draw herself into a protective ball, quivering from fear and cold. She head footsteps and what sounded like a person handling cutlery, her mind creating all kinds of situations. She could feel her senses burning, the instinct to survive kicking in, but knew that she had a better chance of sitting there rather than making a break for it.

In an act of courage she reached out a hand to her right, slowly extending her arm to feel for a wall or obstacle of some sort. Her hand only met air and she felt a little unbalanced, quickly drawing her arm back to her side. She could smell something, too?something sour and rotten. She whimpered softly as the smell grew familiar and squeezed her eyes shut, praying that her mind wouldn?t torture her with any more thoughts.[/COLOR][/CENTER]

That was worse than I thought it was going to be, but I honestly don't care. I have managed to get out of this...writing rut, finally, and I know where I'm heading (how often have you heard me say that?). I know there was a lot of Xion/Ezekiel crap in this, but it was necessary, and next chapter will have Seraphim/Hevn along with Sean and, if all goes to plan, JJ.

Comments are loved and, please, if anyone has any suggestions of characters they'd like to see more of, r things they want to find out that I've made a little unlear then please ask. It's really good to know for future reference.[/SIZE]
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[font=Trebuchet MS]Rock. I was starting to worry that you'd abandoned this again - unfounded fears, obviously.

Nice to see some development on Xion. The guy isn't the smug git we all had him down as, it seems. It was such the right way to show the other side of him, too. Nicely handled - it's clear that you're portraying a rounded, three-dimensional character, where sometimes showing another aspect to a character can make them seem like a contradiction. Basically what I mean is that his behaviour comes as a surprise given his previous appearances, but it doesn't seem [i]out-of-character.[/i]

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[SIZE=1]Another solid chapter Jamie, I don't know why you feel the need to think that all of your latest chapters are sub-par, because they're certainly not from where I'm sitting. I think the interaction between Ezekiel and Xion is natural and fits with the overall tone of the plot, as well as that we're finally seeing this villain torture his victims rather than just makes his little soliloquies over the detectives finding a new body. I know it sounds somewhat gruesome but I rather look forward to seeing what happens next.[/SIZE]
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[COLOR=Navy]I love these last two chapters because they give a real depth to your characters. Like, Ezekiel has weaknesses and does gets stressed, having the need to drown her sorrows with alcohol; and Xion, he's not a stuck up bastard that was portrayed at first, he has a nice side where he's caring and gentle.

I'm still waiting to know what happened between the two of them, should be interesting when it's finally revealed.

I enjoyed my appearance greatly, I wonder who the person with her is....Though I have a feeling she may be another victim?

But don't be so harsh on yourself, Jamie, the chapters are great, can't wait for the next installment.[/COLOR]
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[FONT=Tahoma]Huzzah! The story continues :catgirl:

I'm with everyone else in saying that (aside from a few spelling errors) you really shouldn't beat yourself up about the quality of these chapters! They're perfectly in order and a grand addition to the development of characters and storyline.

Suggestions: None. Your style and technique is great so I have nothing to add ^_^;[/FONT]
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[size=1][color=#B2566B]Worse? Oh, my dear Jamie, you're putting yourself below the bar. That is nonsense, nonsense, I tell you. In fact, it was quite an interesting chapter to read, considering we've actually struck a match and lit the cold man we knew to be Xion. It seems there's some unresolved matters between the two, ne?

And to add to that, who could this mysterious person be? And what does he want with Sakura? Revenge? Play? Bait? I guess I'll sit and wait.

By the way, I was glad to see some development between the two characters, I hope to see more.[/size][/color]
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[SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkSlateGray][CENTER][U]Part 12[/U]
It was Monday and, once again, Ezekiel was pacing the office worriedly with a mug of coffee in hand. Something was different this morning, however. Something wasn?t sitting well in her gut. For one, Seraphim hadn?t arrived yet and he was never, ever late. Secondly, when Ezekiel had called Hevn she?d told the detective that her husband had left even earlier than usual.

This was getting ridiculous, it really was, and Ezekiel needed to know what was going on. While there hadn?t been any more bodies recently, Raiyuu and DDG had been keeping track of missing persons reports, and one name had jumped out at them. Sakura. She, if anything, was one of the ?higher ups?, as Ezekiel called them. Those members who had made a name for themselves due to their kindness, length of time in the OB and outstanding quality when it came to work. Even though Ezekiel didn?t know Sakura on a personal level, she had dealt with the woman and knew that she was a very responsible, very capable member. If she was missing, it was because of foul play.

And then there was Seraphim. Now he was missing, too. Christ, and they had interviews in half an hour, too?

[B]?Detective!?[/B] the excitable and heavy-accented voice of Sean met Ezekiel?s ears and despite her best efforts she could only greet the younger man with a scowl.

[B]?I?m busy.?[/B]

[B]?Haven?t you heard??[/B] Sean seemed to be bubbling with excitement, that manic look of determination that only a reporter held was sparkling clearly in his eyes.

[B]?Heard what, Sean??[/B] Ezekiel sighed, feeling a headache building between her eyes.

[B]?About Seraphim? You noticed he?s not here, obviously. Though you would have realised, being the police and all.?[/B]

Ezekiel stiffened, closing the small gap between herself and Sean so that their gazes met. [B]?If you know something, Sean, I swear?you tell me now or you?ll be losing your license.?[B]

Sean jutted his jaw out and grabbed Ezekiel?s wrists, pulling her hands from the lapels of his jacket as he stepped back. [B]?Seraphim?s been in an accident,?[/B] he said, his voice not portraying any of his dumb friendliness, [B]?Ice on the road or something. He?s in hospital.?[/B]

Ezekiel stared, feeling as though her legs would give way. [B]?Accident??[/B] was all she could manage, her voice just above a whisper. [B]?H-How bad??[/B]

Sean shrugged, pulling his collar up to shield the back of his neck from the razor winds rushing through the open doors at the front of the building. [B]?I hear he was pretty smashed up, unconscious, all that shit.?[/B] He reached into his pocket for his notebook before getting out a pen. [B]?Any comments??[/B]

[B]?Yeah, Sean. Go to hell. You hear me? From this point on you are banned form this building and mark my words, no reporter is going to hear a thing about this case. Now fuck off.?[/B]

Ezekiel shouldered her way past Sean, knocking his notebook onto the floor. The reporter grinned and shook his head, picking it up before scratching his pen across the page. One story was all he needed.
Sakura sat shivering in the dark, her knuckles pressed into her eyes as she tried to block out the sounds around her. She was so disorientated and the fact that her eyes were only just adjusting to the light made things worse. She could see the outlines of things but couldn?t guess how far away they were or, in most cases, what they were.

Still the shrieking went on and, as a detective working in narcotics, she knew all too well what was making that hideous noise. So many times she?d had to break down doors during a raid and now one occasion sprang to mind. The butchers, the one who provided most of the OB with its meat. It was the place where animals died and where they were packed. Sakura had hated it even before she found out about the large amount of cocaine stashed in the frozen bodies of pigs. As she and her team had broken into that huge place the same shrieking had been going on in the background. It was the sound of a circular saw cutting bone and Sakura was convinced now that she was in the hands of a madman.

The shrieking continued and Sakura covered her ears.

Hell. This was Hell.[/CENTER][/COLOR]

Arg. The problem with leaving a week gap between writing this is that I always forget what I?d planned on doing next x_x

While I know I wanted to include Sean, I?m pretty sure I didn?t plan on turning him into a bastard. I certainly didn?t plan the incident with Seraphim, either, but it?s definitely given me a much better opening now and a clear view of how to finish this.

As always, comments/suggestions/death threats are welcomed. =D

Note: I know Sean is now Perfection, but I can?t be bothered to change his name again. Yeah. [/SIZE]
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[SIZE=1]An interesting addition to Crime of Hate Jamie, personally I'd consider this a kind of half chapter to be used as a bridging piece onto the next part which may ultimately reveal who our villain is. The final few lines about Sakura's realisation on where she is really does help build up the suspense, as usual your writings have us left hanging on the edge of our seats.[/SIZE]
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  • 9 months later...
[SIZE=1]So, after seeing a nomination for this in Nifty Fifty by darling Mimmi, I thought it was only right that I attempted to finish it. I wanted to know, however, if it's too far-gone to complete the story for people before I go ahead. I do have the final few chapters planned out; I just never got around to writing them up.

So, er...yes. I'm not trying to be awkward with this post; I just wanted to know if I should go ahead. (Or if this is too outdated to update)[/SIZE]
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I would also like to see the story finished - it has a lot of potential to it and a finished story is better than an unfinished one. If you don't want to post it or feel uncomfortable doing so, you can always just e-mail it out to those that are interested. It's your story though, so it's pretty much up to you to do whatever you want with it. ;p
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[quote name='DeadSeraphim][size=1][color=indigo][font=arial]Considering I'm not longer with Hevn anymore, I would, personally, not appreciate it. The reasoning is purely emotional, of course.[/font][/color'][/size][/quote]

[SIZE=1]I know that's something I'd put heavily in earlier chapters, but in the last few I had planned there wouldn't be any mention. I know it's a testy subject but I'll be very careful, if that helps at all...

I'll start working on the next part today and decide from there if I post it publicly, or I could create an LJ account for it or some such. ^_^ Thanks for the support again, all~[/SIZE]
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[FONT=Tahoma]*beams* I was [B]really [/B]hoping this'd get a conclusion but didn't want to say so in the nomination, in case it'd put pressure on you or anything :animeswea

Happy, happy about the prospect of seeing the final pieces coming together soon. Be it here or in some other form![/FONT]
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[size=1][color=#4B5B5B]I'm really glad you're considering finishing up Crimes Of Hate. It really was a good piece and I'm sure the majority of the people here did as well. It had flair, style, and just about anything and everything you are, 'Zeke. Okay, now I'm just sugarcoating everything to make you write the finishing touches.

Anyways, I can't wait to see what you've got in store for the rest of us. =][/size][/color]
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[QUOTE=Ezekiel][SIZE=1]I know that's something I'd put heavily in earlier chapters, but in the last few I had planned there wouldn't be any mention. I know it's a testy subject but I'll be very careful, if that helps at all...

I'll start working on the next part today and decide from there if I post it publicly, or I could create an LJ account for it or some such. ^_^ Thanks for the support again, all~[/SIZE][/QUOTE]
[size=1][color=indigo][font=arial]If you insist.[/font][/color][/size]
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[CENTER][SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkSlateGray][U][B]Part 13[/B][/U]

The ice had grown thicker since Ezekiel had driven to work that morning and as she ran for her car she almost went skidding herself. She checked the chains she?d attached to her wheels and slammed her siren on the car roof as she ducked inside; it?s horrid blaring only heightening her fear.

She reached the hospital in a matter of minutes, flashing her badge to the woman in reception before she spoke, asking of Seraphim?s whereabouts.
[B]?He?s on the second floor, in A and E. But you can?t go in there now, the doctors are working on him!?[/B]

But the detective was already gone, taking the stairs two at a time to reach her partner. She skidded into an operating theatre and stopped dead, palms pressed to the glass wall separating her and the bloody body of her partner. Three doctors were crowded around him with clipboards and Ezekiel wanted more than anything to scream at them to hurry up. But no sound would come out except for gasps of breath now leaving expanding circles of condensation on the glass. She turned away and pressed her back to the wall, closing her eyes tight until someone approached her.

[B]?Detective.?[/B] the voice was warm and friendly and the hand that gripped Ezekiel?s shoulder was equally so. She opened her eyes to look up at Gavin, a welcome face given the current situation.

[B]?What are you doing here?? [/B] she managed to choke out, her throat dry and tense from the effort of holding back tears. Gavin only smiled again and pressed a coffee into the detective?s hands, looking through the glass as he spoke.

[B]?I work here sometimes and I?ve just come off duty. I thought I should visit him, but I had an idea you would be here too. To be honest, I have a hidden agenda.?[/B]

Ezekiel raised her eyebrows and looked up at the larger man, wishing he would meet her gaze. [B]?You what??[/B]

[B]?I wanted to ask you some questions. The case seems to be getting a little?slow. Perhaps I can help.?[/B]

[B]?Look, Gavin, I know you?re a brilliant help to the team but right now I don?t want to talk about the God damn case,?[/B] Gavin winced and Ezekiel waved her hands apologetically, forgetting her friend?s fierce Catholic beliefs, [B]?Sorry, I forget myself. I just don?t want to talk about it.?[/B]

Gavin nodded but then looked down at the redhead, a flustered doctor stumbling toward the door. [B]?But I?m afraid you might have to.?[/B]

The doctor burst into the corridor, hands clamped over his mouth as he bent over double. The other two quickly followed him, Seraphim seemingly forgotten as he lay prone on the operating table. Ezekiel cursed mentally and walked into the room, already pulling out two plastic gloves from her handbag. She walked around to the far side of Seraphim?s bed, where a box was sitting under the window.

She carefully pulled back a flap, the cellotape already having been cut by one of the doctors. She groaned as the sight of the contents met her and beckoned to Gavin. He took one look at the box before quickly turning his back, taking a few deep breaths.

[B]?It?s an arm.?[/B] He said, softly, seeming not to notice that he was stating the obvious. Ezekiel shrugged and took out her cell phone to take a few pictures, wishing for the first time of many that it was her in that bed instead of Seraphim.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/CENTER]

[SIZE=1]Huzzah! It feels good to be writing this again. ^_^[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=1]Good addition to the plot, been a while since I've read it so I went and read back over the story again, still wondering if who I think the bad guy is turns out to be the correct answer.

One little thing Jamie, not even I'm Catholic enough to get offended by "God damn", but maybe after all that time in Otaku City I've gotten a little more fanatical.[/SIZE]
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