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Writing Until Proven Guilty: The Court Records of Ace O'Turney, Ace Attorney

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[SIZE=1][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Alright, props for managing to reference AC/DC and Tracy Byrd in the same chapter. I should probably re-read this from the beginning, but I did get some laughs out of the latest chapter.[/FONT][/SIZE]

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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Hay u gaiz. Just thought you should know I'm actually working on the next chapter. In the meantime, I've written a Halloween "Special," if you will, for the Otaku.com Writer's Jam. It's super special awesome and all of 5 minutes or so are actually spent in court! That's a full 5 minutes more than apparently in [B]Miles Edgeworth: Perfect Prosecutor[/B]! But that's not all! Call in the next fifteen minutes and you'll get a bizarre and spontaneous Gainax parody!

[URL="http://www.theotaku.com/fanwords/view/48389/the_mediocrity_of_ace_o%27turney/"][COLOR="Blue"][U]Whee Mel Brooks references.[/U][/COLOR][/URL][/FONT]

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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][CENTER][B][SIZE="3"]- Part 7 -[/SIZE]

July 23, 2014
10:00 A.M.
District Court
Defendant?s Lobby No. 2[/B][/CENTER]

?You get anything??

Korey smiled a little. ?You think I?d spend all night investigating and not find anything? Just who do you think I am??

?Just shut up and cough it up.?

?Alright, Ace,? continued Korey, ?You know that bat you have??

?Yeah, I guess,? replied Ace.

?Check the bottom.?

Ace?s eyes grew wide at what he saw.

?Korey, you?re a genius! I can?t believe I hadn?t noticed that!?

?Yeah, whatever. Just get in there and try not to fail too much this time.?

Ace?s fist flew so fast that Korey barely had time to sidestep it.

?What, now you fail at karate, too??

?FGRAAALGH.?

[B][CENTER]July 23, 2014
10:15 A.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 2[/CENTER][/B]

?Court is now in session,? declared the Judge, ?is the Defense ready??

?Yes, Your Honor,? replied Ace.

?Is the Prosecution ready??

?The Prosecution is ready, Your Honor,? answered Gavin.

?Alright, Defense. Proceed.?

Ace rose from his desk. ?Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I know that I may seem guilty. The way I attacked that scarecrow the other day is very suspicious, after all. Not to mention, my only alibi rests on my 19-year-old cash-strapped assistant. Things are looking bad, but ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury??

A collective gasp arose from the jury as Ace held up the bottom of the bat.

?THIS,? he began, indicating the silhouette on the bottom of the bat, ?is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyk. BUT, Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that.?

Fist met desk with a resounding thud.

?That does not make sense!?

The jury went into hysterics. ?He?s using the Chewbacca defense!? muttered one nervous juror to his neighbor.

Ace continued. ?Why would a Wookie - an eight foot tall Wookie - want to live on Endor with a bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? It does not make sense! What does this have to do with this case? Nothing, other than his face on this bat. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! None of this makes sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests,? he concluded, sitting back down.

?A stirring performance, Mr. O?Turney,? said Gavin, ?But you made three mistakes. One, you are not Johnny Cochran. Two, you misspelled Kashyyyk. There are three ?y?s.?

?Objection! I spoke the word! How could he-?

?Overruled,? sighed the Judge.

?Anyway,? continued Gavin, ?The third reason was stated in your own defense; it has nothing to do with this case.?

?Ah, but it does!? grinned Ace, ?You see-?

?Objection!? shouted Gavin, ?Your Honor, he just admitted to lying!?

?I?m afraid I have to let it slide,? replied the Judge, ?The games this story is based on thrive on outrageous things no real courtroom would ever allow, but are nonetheless.?

?Thank you, Your Honor,? continued Ace, ?anyway, It turns out that this bat is manufactured by an overseas company, whose name cannot be pronounced by anyone possessing only one voice. They are a subsidiary of another company based in this very city, whose name I will not speak because there are ladies present.?

?Is there a point to this ?? interrupted Gavin, ?It seems as if you just want to confuse us more.?

?Yes, there is. You see, we have reason to believe that this company is involved in the Mafia. The owner of the company is highly suspect, and I will not speak his name because I do not know it. He goes by ?The D.? and it?s possible that he would have ordered a hit on the victim for certain debts that have recently come to light during the investigation.?

?Prem?s eyes looked like dinner plates. ?You mean-?

?Yes,? replied Ace smugly, ?we have reason to believe that the victim was hit by, struck by, a smooth criminal.?[/FONT]

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[SIZE="1"]*Nods*

Attempting the Chewbacca defence was a fair manoeuvrer Ace, but you should have known you'd never be able to beat me with it [I]mi booki[/I]. I do love the way I corrected you on the spelling of Kashyyyk, it was actually the first thing I thought of when I saw the word.

I have a few theories about The D's identity, it'll be interesting to see which is right.[/SIZE]

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[quote name='Gavin'][SIZE=1]I have a few theories about The D's identity, it'll be interesting to see which is right.[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

I have one. But I don't think it will be right. [SPOILER]DeLarge?[/SPOILER] Ah, but perhaps Ace hasn't thought of who it is? Maybe...maybe not...DAMMIT, ACE, YOU'RE HURTING MY FRICKIN' HEAD!!![/scream]

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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Ah, a bump.

Just to let everyone know, I'll probably fall way behind schedule. School comes first, plus I've recently branched a few of my shenanigans out to theO. On top of that, my laptop recently died. Twice. So this thread is basically the only complete copy of this series left. I think I have up to the chapter before last gathering dust on my old iPod somewhere. I'll see if I can dig it up.

If not, there will be much copy-pasting.[/FONT]

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[FONT="Tahoma"]I never thought for once in my life that South Park would help me get a joke like 'The Chewbacca Defense.' Haha, I saw that and laughed. You know I may be a little late to the party, but my faulty internet is to blame. Soon, I will finally be getting DSL and my own laptop. So that means I'm [strike]here for eternity[/strike] going to be back full throttle. So, I really enjoyed this chapter. Plus ten points for the Michezl Jackson refference.

Anyways, it's too bad we'll have to wait for justice, but in the meantime, I'll be waiting for as long as it takes. [/FONT]

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[SIZE=1]*Applauds*

There's no such thing as too soon, after all I'm already defending him in his court case against Saint Peter to get into Heaven. Speaking of which Ace, why exactly am I working for the D.A. rather than running a gargantuan and obviously evil law firm looking to recruit and corrupt you ?
[/SIZE]

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[quote name='Gavin'][SIZE=1]*Applauds*

There's no such thing as too soon, after all I'm already defending him in his court case against Saint Peter to get into Heaven. Speaking of which Ace, why exactly am I working for the D.A. rather than running a gargantuan and obviously evil law firm looking to recruit and corrupt you ?
[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Probably for the same reason Palpatine found it easier to sabotage the universe from the inside.

ON WITH THE SHOW

[CENTER][SIZE="4"]- Part 8 -[/SIZE][/CENTER]


The silence permeated the courtroom. There was a long pause, broken only by a cough from the Prosecutor's desk.

"Well, I must congratulate you, Mr. O'Turney," sniped Gavin, "Your last moronic statement managed to silence the courtroom for so long that by now I'm sure the musical artist you referenced has died."

"TOO SOON!" shouted Chibi indignantly.

"Mr. O'Turney, you would do well to keep your assistant's tongue in check," said the Judge, "as for you, Mr. Zeitgeist, I must agree with her. That comment was totally uncalled for. Funny, but uncalled for."

"My apologies, Your Honor," replied Gavin, bowing slightly, "however, my point still stands. Anyone could have bought that bat from any store. I'm fairly sure the Wal-Mart down the street has several boxes full. You're going to have to dig up a more secure connection than that."

Ace met the objection with an obnoxious smirk. "Don't you find it odd that the police would overlook such a blatantly relevant piece of evidence during their investigation? I had someone look into it while I was... incapacitated, and it turns out that the entire investigation was done by one man."

"That's remarkably inefficient," remarked Chibi.

"Yes it is," Ace continued, "but apparently there are only three officers in the district and two of them were on traffic duty at the time. I think we can all agree that the final officer is extremely suspect. Your Honor, I'd like to call Detective Darren to the stand."

"I'll allow it," declared the Justice, "bring him in, bailiff."

The Detective slowly marched to the witness stand, ever bewildered. Taking his seat, he proceeded to look around the room as if following an invisible fly.

"Did you murder Mr. Boy, Detective?" demanded Ace.

"Not sure."

"What do you mean you're not sure?"

"Well," replied the Detective, "It was really dark and I wasn't paying much attention. See, I was playing Midnight Baseball with my nephew and-"

"I'm afraid to ask, but I'm sure I have to," interrupted Gavin, "what is Midnight Baseball?"

"It's baseball played at midnight, of course!" replied Darren.

A collective groan escaped the mouths of the onlookers.

"Is the danger of such an activity not apparent to you, Detective?" queried Ace.

"Well, it is now, I guess. I heard a thud when winding up to bat, but the ball was coming right at that moment and I sent that thing flying! Then I had to leave, so I must have forgotten my bat."

"So you're not with the Mafia?" inquired Ace.

"Oh, no, I'm in the Mafia. Heck, I'm 'The D.' It's just that that has nothing to do with this."

"Then why did you feel the need to flee the scene?"

"That ball I hit damaged the statue of Naps the Cat," said Darren, "I knew how important that thing was to people and I just panicked. I guess I didn't even notice Digital Boy."

Suddenly, the door burst open. "Clearly you didn't notice enough of me during the investigation, either!"

Everyone turned in shock to see the apparent corpse, looking indignantly at the man on the witness stand.

"Digital Boy?" said Ace, disbelief apparent in the tone of his voice, "you're alive?"

"Of course I'm alive. I was never dead, just unconscious. One minute I'm walking through the park when this aluminum cylinder comes flying at me. Next thing I know, I'm waking up naked on a metal table with some guy standing over me holding a scalpel."

"Too much information," stated a juror.

"But just enough to wrap this case up quite nicely, I think," stated the Judge, "I'll be expecting your verdict after a fifteen minute recess, Jury. Dismissed."

[CENTER]...[/CENTER]

"We find the defendant, Prem, Not Guilty of all charges," the jury representative said, "We find Detective Darren Not Guilty of the murder of Mr. Tical Boy. However, he did break the statue of Naps the Cat, and that's terrible. We find him extremely guilty of that."

"The Detective is sentenced to present six-gallon saucers of milk to the statue every day for the next three years," declared the Judge, "Court is adjourned."

[CENTER]...

[B]July 23, 2014
11:45 A.M.
District Court
Defendant?s Lobby No. 2[/B][/CENTER]

"Impressive, Mr. O'Turney, most impressive."

"Thank you, Mr. Zeitgeist," replied Ace, "So what are your plans from now on?"

"I've been selected to prosecute a case against a Mr. Marley. It should be easy, apparently his defense claim is that he shot the sheriff, but he didn't shoot the deputy."

"Good luck with that," said Ace, "I think I might run for office, myself. This city is in need of major improvements. It's as if every public system is completely incompetent solely for the sake of comedy."

"Good luck with that, and if you ever find yourself in need of employment, I've been thinking of starting my own firm. Here," said Gavin, handing Ace a small card.

"Evil Empire Attorneys at Law," Ace read, "Uh, thanks. Sounds... interesting."

"Yes," said Gavin, "Interesting. Most interesting."

[RIGHT][SIZE="4"]End.[/SIZE][/RIGHT][/FONT]

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[quote name='Gavin'][SIZE=1]Ace you're drawing perilously close to two weeks without an update, surely you're not going to leave your poor fans out on a limb here ?[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Actually, that cliffhanger was supposed to last me a couple months at least. I kinda started another project in the meantime, which I've been posting over on TheO.

...I suppose you intend to punish your servant at this point?[/FONT]

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[quote name='Ace'][FONT=Comic Sans MS]...I suppose you intend to punish your servant at this point?[/FONT][/quote]

[SIZE="1"]I shall let the fear of punishment hang over you for an undisclosed period before inflicting it.[/SIZE]

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[FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"][COLOR="RoyalBlue"][quote name='Ace][FONT="Comic Sans MS"']Actually, that cliffhanger was supposed to last me a couple months at least. [/FONT][/quote]You're the moderator for this section now. NO EXCUSES ALLOWED. :p[/COLOR][/FONT]

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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][CENTER][B][SIZE="4"]How the Gav Stole OB[/SIZE]
A UPG Holiday Special[/B][/CENTER]

All the nerds in the forums liked OB a lot
But the Overlord Gavin of Wal-Mart did not

He hated Otakuboards quite a big bit
Or not so much, if that's how you look at it
Your perspective could tell you it wasn't that bad
And it's true that indeed there was worse to be had
But whatever degree, be it giant or small
Gav really just wasn't that fond of it all

"They all think they'll get work off," he snarled with a sneer
For tomorrow was Christmas, the worst time of year
This annual time of such holiday glee
Was a damper on Gavin's pure Sith Pedigree
For tomorrow he knew all those in his employ
Would wake bright and early, shouting for joy
And then, oh my boy, oh my boy, boy, boy, boy

They'd start to be happy!
They'd start to feel glad!
They'd dance around like the Starburst Little Lad!

Then the peasants and slaves would all gather and eat
And they'd eat, and they'd eat, and they'd eat, eat, eat, eat!
They'd consume fine fresh bread and most succulent meat
Which would certainly make Wal-Mart's profits deplete

Then they'd do something he liked least of all
All the nerds on the forums, the awkward and tall
Would gather together, with comfy chair padding
They'd sit at computers, and then they'd start chatting
And they'd chat, and they'd chat, and they'd chat, chat, chat, chat!
And the more Gavin thought of this incessant chat
The more Gavin thought, "Now we just can't have that!
"Why, for many a year all these folks become jerks
"Around Christmas, I must get them back to their work"

Then, he got an idea
An awful idea
The Gav got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Gavin laughed to himself
As he called in his intern to dress as an elf
He chuckled and clucked, "They'll all learn not to yap
With no Admiral Ackbar to warn of my trap!"

"All I need is an Admin!"
The Gav looked around
But since Des was asleep
There were none to be found

Did that stop the Sith Lord?
No! The Gav simply said
"If I can't find an Admin
I'll be one instead!"

So he logged on to Google
And searched for some hacks
And a nice proxy website
To cover his tracks
Then he went to the Boards
Using Dagger's account
And messed with the CP
An expedient amount

All the screens were quite dark
No one lurking about
No one around to alert with a shout
When he started to clear the first message board out

"This is where I'll be starting!"
The Gav-Scrooge announced
As he crouched over keyboard
Preparing to pounce
He started with Anime
Not his normal domain
But hey, used to be Dagger's
And this was her screenname
He paused for a moment
To read a few posts
But time was quite scarce
And required the most
As the little noob ramblings filled up his sight
"Good morning," he cackled, "and also good night!"

Then he slunk to the Manga
He deleted the beasts
Of long-winded threads
Like the one for [I]One Piece![/I]
He cleaned out that forum as quick as a flash
Why that Gav even gave [I]Bleach[/I] a pat-down for cash!

He deleted it all like one throws a parade
"And now," grinned the Gav, "I'll wipe out the Arcade!"

And he clicked on the link
And began to erase
When his comp screen reflected
His Intern's sad face

He turned around fast
And was then face-to-face
With his newest employee,
Mr. O'Turney, Ace

He looked at his boss and said "Why, Milord, Why?
"Why are you purging OB's Archives?
"Why?"

"Why my foolish Apprentice"
The Sith Lord replied
"This is all just to hurry you
"To the Dark Side!
"You'll be getting more evil quite soon now, my boy.
"Now out of my sight, I must conquer this joy!"

With a wave of his hand
And a glare of his eye
The intern departed
Without a goodbye
And when Ace O'Turney
Was out of his sight
Ol' Gavin continued
His board-clearing blight

He finished up quickly
Sat back with a grin
And said "all to easy!
"Like fish when they swim!"

"They'll be waking up now,
"I know how they'll react!
"For a bit
"They'll ignore my most brilliant act
"Then the nerds in the forums
"Will have heart attacks!"

"That's a sight"
Gloated Gav
"That I really must see!"
So he sat in his chair
And he called for some tea

And he did see some posts
Rising from all the boards
At first there were few
But they soon became hordes

But these posts did not indicate
Cardiac arrest!
No, they were greetings!
"We Wish You The Best"
All the nerds in the forums
The awkward and tall
Were posting
Without all the old threads at all!

And the Gav with his Sith butt
Set snug in his chair
Was raging and fuming
"This just isn't fair!"

"They dare to defy me!
"Such insolent fools
"They shouldn't be happy
"They're breaking my rules!"

Then the Gav thought of something
But in his defense
It was not quite approval
Just indifference

"Maybe Christmas"
He thought
"Isn't perfect at all!
"At least for the homeless
"It's even colder than fall!"

And what happened then?
Well, at Wal-Mart they say
That the boss's small heart
Frosted over that day.

So he waited 'til Monday
And said like a jerk
"Bah humbug, you morons!
"Now get back to work!"


[SIZE="1"]Merry Christmas Otakuboards, as well as the rest of the Otaku Network and anyone else who's reading this. It's been a hell of a year and I'm just glad you guys are willing to put up with my shenanigans. Have a happy one.[/SIZE][/FONT]

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[SIZE=1][INDENT]My plots and vendettas reduced to mere rhyme?
Machinations so perfect, they border sublime.
Christmas is over, so I believe it is fit
To roar "Back to work you simpering twit!"[/INDENT][/SIZE]

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