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Writing Lairing Under


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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]In the deep sleep she waited patiently as any good girl would. Cold and ice companions were her very own friends, with numb solitude that told her nothing. Her brother had put her there for her own safety and she remembered his hands lying warmly on her own as the ice rolled slowly down her cheeks.[/i]

"This is the safest way for you to go. Soon things will kill everyone that doesn't sleep as you will. Rest now."

[i]And without another word he was gone. He didn't tell her he loved her. His little sister knew he did; instinctively, as she'd lived most of her life. Not that she was very young, but she had always been irrational enough to be very frightened of things like her brother dying. Things like the the world pouring itself out in one angry sound. She couldn't see herself in a world without blood and rain. Perhaps when she woke from her dreaming and sleeping and waiting there would be blood. Running in rivulets down the melting ice as the seasons changed, streaking the gray and white with red.

None of that though for her. Instead she saw dream lights flickering in green and blue, prancing around her now and again, and then whisking away like the insubstantial things without form that they were. She sobbed once in her thoughts, and then went back. Further back. Once her younger half brother had come to see her in her dreaming. She heard him speaking and incorporated his words into her dream automatically.[/i]

"I knew this was a mistake. I knew coming to see you was a mistake."

[i]The dream changed again and she saw him laughing as he went away, concealing his own sadness as his sister's empty prison remained the same. Her eyes weren't closed. Wide open and staring all unseeing in the same glazed yellow glow. Her hair clouded around her shoulders in a shadow of silver and black just as it had been when she'd walked under the stars. And the ribbons twined around thin braids still as bright as they'd been when she'd tied them on the morning she'd woken from her Blood dream. Where would she go and what would she do? Nothing to be done yet. Instead she laughed quietly to herself in the dream and haze.

Quiet once more without her laughter, her younger brother watches her again from a safer distance. Too far for her dreams to sense and pull in together, but close enough for him to watch her unblinking eyes. The world was pulling itself apart and he wanted to see how his sister dreamed of it. Perhaps she wouldn't. The great movements of nations far above her didn't matter much. Put into perspective, she could live even without the blood of others. But her brother didn't want to live that way himself, and he didn't want the others that slept to find her when they awoke first. True minds could easily overcome hers. And at the same time she was so unlike them; perhaps it would never happen the way he feared.

Perhaps she would merely continue to dream for an eternity and when the others awoke, they would leave her to that. After all, more than a few hundred had retreated down to the bottom of the earth to dream their way through the centuries of endless war. Linnett was the youngest vampire who had ever been put to rest in the great Antarctic and as such, her brothers could not see all ends. No young vampire had ever wanted to be put to the rest. It was entirely possible that she would emerge changed. Her dreams of the world above might even alter her mind. They could form something for her to wrap her incoherent and often scattered thoughts around.

The longer she dreamed, perhaps the better things would become. Maybe if Linnett dreamed her way into the unforeseeable future she would awaken with a more stable mind. Capable of holding her own against the myriad of ancient vampires that would be sure to rise around her. But perhaps the dreams would push her further into the great darkness that she'd made an unsteady truce with.

Her brother pulled himself away from the place where his sister dreamed and went home to the emptiness of his former home. His sister's eyes stared upwards continually into the dark ice that curved across her comatose form. Her half smile lay across her blue lips, with her fangs pressing against them. And the dreams went on.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[size=1]Ooo! Vampires! Always fun to read about those. This intended to carry on or is just this short piece here in front of me?

Either way, it's cool (pun intended I guess ¬_¬) so kudos to you as usual.[/size]
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Milady, the reason I told you not to edit yet was because now no one else will have the slightest idea what we're talking about. But eh. At any rate, I still have a few more remarks to make, so it's all good.

I already told you this privately, but what strikes me most about this piece is its atmosphere. It comes across to me as very calm, but in a distant manner without understanding. I suppose ?timeless? might work also, but then I hate generic coverall descriptions like that unless they?re completely true. (Here the standard English teacher might say something utterly useless like ?it really felt like lying under the ice?. Yes, that?s what Linnett was doing. Gee thanks.)

But yeah, a sense of both peace and incomprehension, if that makes sense. I'm pretty sure now that you did shift, at least in part, to her brother's point of view there near the end. It feels better than it did before, less nebulous and more like the camera just changed sides of the ice. Nicely done. Good title, too.

Now, I didn't remark on this last time, but the first sentence should probably have that appositive set off.

[INDENT][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][I]In the deep sleep she waited patiently[COLOR="Red"][B],[/B][/COLOR] as any good girl would.[/I][/COLOR][/INDENT]
There are naturally ways to rephrase it without the comma there, but I'm sure you can see those without me playing Captain Redundant. :p Point is, those last five words are a clarifier to the manner in which Linnett is waiting, so they need to be separated or the reader might just breeze on by without registering important info.

Speaking of redundant, I think you took my suggestion about the next sentence a little too quickly:

[QUOTE][I][FONT="Times New Roman"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Cold and ice [B]companions were her very own friends[/B], with numb solitude that told her nothing.[/COLOR][/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Now, that could actually work if read right, but if I read it that way I get that 'Cold' and 'ice companions' were her friends, and that conjures images of little frozen doll sculptures resting beside her. I think what you meant to communicate was that cold and ice were her only company.

In that case, the entire paragraph might want more building. Not [I]changing[/I], really, just additions. But AIM would be an easier venue for that. Better back-and-forth.

Now, I remember remarking about this next one already, and I think to the general idea you said something to the effect that you wanted the disjointed effect to remain. But that can be done just as well?and even better?with paragraph management instead of fragments.

[QUOTE][I][FONT="Times New Roman"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Running in rivulets down the melting ice as the seasons changed, streaking the gray and white with red.[/COLOR][/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Read that alone and tell me it doesn't feel brain-frazzling. And then, since you'll say so regardless, tell me again honestly. :p

Yes, fragments are perfectly acceptable in fiction, but only under certain conditions, and I [I]really[/I] don't think this is one of them. It literally reads as an afterthought, as [U]your[/U] afterthought, and I feel pretty confident that you've put enough thought into this short for that to be a wrong conclusion to draw.

Keep in mind that other people might just see it and say "hunh; odd", but because of my nature the statement is glaring, like about twenty mental klaxons going off at once. Or it could be the perfectionist. Either way. Please fix it. (^_^)

[QUOTE][FONT="Times New Roman"][I][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Wide open and staring all unseeing in the same glazed yellow glow.[/COLOR][/I][/FONT][/QUOTE]
Same thing here. You added a few words from before, but it's still the same disassociated feel that jerks the reader out of the image and returns them to the effort of making sense of the words. That was my real gripe, I think; the images you were painting were clear enough that one little inconsistency gave me whiplash. Yes, I recognize the effect the previous sentence is supposed to invoke, but this one is still jerky and disruptive?and not so much like gaps in consciousness like you told me you're going for, but more like skips on a CD. It just pisses you off, you know? :p

[QUOTE][I][FONT="Times New Roman"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Maybe if Linnett dreamed her way into the unforeseeable future she would awaken with a more stable mind. Capable of holding her own against the myriad of ancient vampires that would be sure to rise around her.[/COLOR][/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]

I finally figured out the problem with this one. Yeah, you've got a fragment there, but it would be acceptable under certain circumstances, so the immediate reaction would be to say "whatever" and move on.

The problem here is you're implying a verb that is useful to imply with fragments, but which has no antecedent. Verb breakdown:

[INDENT][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][I]". . . she would awaken . . . . (She would be) Capable . . . ."[/I][/COLOR][/INDENT]
The conditional form of "is" there is very good with fragments. The problem is that your preceding verb isn't 'would be capable', so confusion results. For that kind of fragmentation to function, you have to set up repetition so the idea gets drilled into the audience?who then typically cry "Wow! That was so [I]intense!!!!1![/I]" or sommat like that.

You know. Things that make you feel good inside.

Other than that, possibly add another thought after the bit about the unsteady truce, to make it seem less . . . I don't know . . . out of the blue? (^_^)

All-in-all, a very nicely-painted scene.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial]Oh jays, I almost forgot. Tenses.

[QUOTE][I][FONT="Times New Roman"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Quiet once more without her laughter, her younger brother [B]watches[/B] her again from a safer distance.[/COLOR][/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]
Now, yes, I did tell you that that's how it wants to read?and obviously you agreed?but now you've gone and shifted tenses for no real reason. Remember, consistency is the bigger concern: if you don't want to write the narrative in past tense, then don't interject present tense [I]regardless[/I] of how it wants to read. If you've got something that feels awkward in past and you're working in past, rephrase. Never randomly include a different tense, no matter how well it's disguised.

Sorry about that; I kinda got distracted by something else.[/FONT]
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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]I suppose this wouldn't be a bad time to mention as a little background for the uninitiated that Linnett is the impossible kind of vampire you don't read about in books too often. She was born from the coupling of an ancient and ridiculously powerful vampire and his mate; as such she has no humanity within her. Linnett came into the world by killing her mother and will most likely leave whenever she's good and ready. She feeds on her own kind, humans, animals, anything that's close enough when she's hungry.

At least that's how she was before the events that took place at Sellafield. Now she's somewhat calmer, easier to talk to, to approach, but still capable of unleashing a furious insanity at the slightest provocation. Polite to a fault with people she sees as her betters including her brothers, Linnett's encasing within the ice was perhaps the kindest thing they ever did for her. Assuming euthanasia was even considered when it became apparent that she could never be completely assimilated into vampire society, Linnett is most likely incapable of ever having a hope of controlling herself once she's wounded or driven to it.

Tragic I suppose, but on the other hand, she can be an exceedingly loyal pet and is often quite predictable. Give her enough space and a proper amount of what she deems as 'respect' and you will most likely go about your night without any unplanned injuries.

I look forward to your reactions to her continuing story.[/FONT][/COLOR]
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[quote name='Raiha'][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"] Give her enough space and a proper amount of what she deems as 'respect' and you will most likely go about your night without any unplanned injuries.[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]I imagine if you don't give her what she considers respect, you won't live to see the next morning. XP Anyway...

The others have already said it in different words, but it was a nice read and an interesting scene to see unfold. I'm curious to see where you go with it.
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[i][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]The sun slipped down for the night, as Linnett's eyes continued staring into the gray and green growing darker. Her brother had gone back to civilization and left her in the comparative silence more than three weeks ago. Now her dreams changed with the oncoming night and became almost real to her. Moon and starlight flickered across her face, pouring over her high cheekbones, almost lingering on her mouth. Then the shadows took over again, and Linnett began to dream of her father.

Dynn stood taller than Linnett when she was eight. He was irritated when she was brought before him with her bloodstained mouth and another member of his clan dead. Cold blood hadn't yet dried on her cheeks, streaked messily from where she had opened up her kinsman's chest to get as his heart. She looked up at him with amber colored eyes, too big for her face, the fangs not yet pulled back into her mouth completely. A single lash leather whip lay coiled on the patriarch's chair, while his second in command stood close by, sword still yet sheathed at his side. Linnett stared ahead, not at her father's eyes but at the symbol of the clan hanging on the wall behind him. Her brothers stood on either side of the oval chamber, the corpse of their cousin stretched out on the stone floor. Dynn leaned forward slightly, his right hand relaxed while his left clenched itself into a fist.[/i]

"Why did you kill him?"

"He said I was an abomination. It was rude of him. He didn't say sorry."

[i]At first it seemed all powers of speech had abandoned Dynn. Then his marble white face turned almost purple and he snatched up the whip and cracked it down across Linnett's shoulder, moving from left to right, then back again. Her elder brother, Kai did not move or speak a word against their father's punishment. Instead he flashed a look at his younger brother, and then both watched Linnett crumple up against the pain of her father's lash. The sixth lash struck Linnett's right cheek and opened up a cut, the blood slipping down her face, and into her mouth. As soon as the taste of her own blood washed across her tongue, Linnett's eyes swirled with inky blackness. Five seconds later, the bloodlust had taken her over entirely and she leapt mindlessly forward, fangs bared, claws fully extended. The second in command drew, and just as his sword had cleared its sheath, Linnett had grabbed him around his wrist with her small fingers, head thrown back, ready to take his arm off at the elbow. Dynn threw down his whip, gathered power, and spoke to his daughter with the Voice.

Terrible and overwhelming, Kai and his brother both visibly blanched. The sound of their father's voice was the auditory equivalent of having their skin being slowly ripped off. Linnett's reaction was immediate and absolute. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she immediately released her victim's arm, curling up into a ball while her father berated her.[/i]

"You dare to attack your own flesh and blood again? You stupid little bitch. Demanding an apology from your betters?!"

[i]He kicked her and was immediately granted the satisfaction of a small yelp, the sound of Linnett's distress. She didn't scream again. The Voice had almost completely paralyzed her. But then it stopped, as Kai caught his father's eye and made a small motion with his left hand. Dynn turned away from his cringing daughter and reached down for his whip. Picking it up, he loosely coiled it, speaking with his normal voice. First to his daughter, and then to his sons, his wishes ruling the movements of his clan with utter disregard and disdain.[/i]

"You are an abomination. Never forget that."

[i]She watched his every move, from the way his fingers moved across the leather, to his footsteps back to his dais. Kai noticed her eyes taking on the hunted look for the first time since the entire punishment had begun.[/i]

"You will take her to be cleaned. Then chain her to the bed this time. Do not let her escape again."

[i]Linnett threw her pale, slender arms around her brother's neck, her torn flesh slowly pulling itself back together. Her fangs had disappeared behind her lips and her eyes were once more the color of beaten gold.

In the ice, Linnett remained as motionless as the moment the sleep had stolen upon her. The night was slowly giving way to the day once more, and the fingers of dawn were slowly creeping pink across the clouds. Nobody watched her, and nobody but her brothers knew she was there. It was an empty morning again.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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I can see that Linnett is going to be rather interesting. Anyway, Allamorph is better at this than I am but these two spots are just a tiny bit awkward.[quote name='Raiha;816263][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]"How dare you attack your own flesh and blood. You stupid little bitch. Demanding an apology from your betters?!"[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]I imagine the first sentence is just because it needs a question mark or some form of emphasis. The second one feels like it either needs emphasis or to be tied to the last sentence instead of being separate.[quote name='Raiha'][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]He kicked her and was immediately granted the satisfaction of a small yelp, the sound of Linnett's distress. She didn't scream again. The Voice had almost completely paralyzed her. But then it stopped, as Kai caught his father's eye and made a small motion with his left hand. Dynn turned away from his cringing daughter and reached down for his whip. Picking it up, he loosely coiled it, speaking with his normal voice. First to his daughter, and then to his sons.[/i][/FONT'][/COLOR][/quote]This is fine other than the very last sentence. I believe it's a fragment and though it's not a big deal, reading it just feels awkward.

Anyway, I like the emotional overtones of Linnett seeking approval or perhaps respect.
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  • 2 weeks later...
[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Like many deep sleeping vampires, Linnett's dreams became one long story, unraveling slowly for her over time. The story of her life, but she could watch it through impartial eyes, so pleasant for a change, rather than to feel the lash of her father's chain whips, his leather, his cat-o-nine's. Instead she could see the girl she used to be writhing in pain and cringing like a starving puppy under her father's hand. The head of the clan, brutalizing the misbehaving back into line. She wasn't the only wild child that had been born to the clan.

But she had been the strongest. The fastest. The most insane.

And she'd lived and grown up into a woman with a light veneer of pleasantries and kindness. And she watched the dream again, this time remembering the party of a debuting vampiress. A normal one. Newly changed, but being introduced into society none the less. Linnett had promised to behave herself to her brother, but she'd crossed her fingers behind her back. It was when someone had been rude to her, that everything changed.[/i]

"It was that bastard's fault. All his fault.

[i]She saw the girl brush down the staircase in her brilliant dress of bright crimson, gold threads shot through it all. And she still waited behind the pillars of the main hall. Most of her peers had shunned her. Some were surprised that she'd even shown her face. But there Linnett was, daughter of the patriarch, in a simple cloth of silver dress, with drop pearl earrings glittering across her slim neck, and fingers painted a sort of pearly opalescence that changed as she walked across the marble floor. Kai watched her with his arms crossed, the muscles visible through his tailored suit, watchful for violence. Part of him knew that Linnett could only be so well behaved when met with prejudice and hatred.

And it didn't take long. As Linnett accepted a steel cut fold of blood to sip throughout the festivities, she turned and was about to look for her younger brother, only to accidentally bump into one of the young male vampires that had been recently introduced only weeks before. Her drink was joggled from her hand and it splashed across the white marble in a bright swath of color. She immediately turned with a simple apology, Kai's attention quickly switching over. He saw as she spoke softly, too softly for most to hear except him, who had seen this coming.[/i]

"I beg your pardon. I didn't see you."

"Watch yourself! Stupid girl."

"...what did you just say?"

[i]Kai moaned inwardly and quickly strode across the floor, weaving through the throngs of cheerful laughing vampires just in time to see Linnett bare too-long fangs and splay her fingers into the same sharp claws she'd always used to rip open her prey. The male vampire, overly confident and so cocksure that he'd live forever bared his own, even if they were a good two inches shorter than hers. Her hiss attracted the attention of every vampire that still had working ears, and she was about to leap at him face first when Kai filled his lungs and used the Voice as quickly as he knew how.[/i]

"Linnett Ip Dynn! I call and command thee!"

[i]Almost immediately, her eyes rolled back in her head and her neck snapped backwards, her body arching with it. Almost balletic, the onlookers saw her fall gracefully into her brother's arms in a dead faint, while the male vampire jerked awkwardly back, the Voice jangling his nerves and throwing off his balance. Linnett murmured something incoherent in her brother's arms, her hair sweeping across her face in a beautiful tableaux of innocence and quiet. Her father didn't even take notice. What mattered was that she'd been completely subdued before attacking. And later, reposing between white linen sheets, she curled up and dreamt of rending the flesh from his face and eating his heart from his chest.[/i] [/FONT][/COLOR]
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  • 2 weeks later...
She continues to be quite the little monster that Linnett. Instantly lashing out at anyone who dares to look at her in a cross manner. It's a wonder she still lives instead of simply being dealt with. XP

Though I'm sure you have a reason as to why she was permitted to live. =P
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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Linnett's thoughts turned outward, and for the first time, encased in ice, her eyes opened. She blinked very slowly in the darkness of half twilight, and then her eyes closed once more. She sighed, unaware of the passage of time, even though it had been fifty years since her dreaming had begun. The stories had stretched themselves endlessly, growing thin. Unlike the other vampires that had slept around her, she did not have centuries of past memories to pull into her dreams. If she could've leaned back casually, she would. Instead she blinked again, and her movement attracted the first of the vampires to awaken.

Dahler, not from the same clan as her, but the same strain of vampire, strolled casually across the frozen wasteland to her tomb. He slipped under the crevice that contained her body and stood in front of her, his face inches from the ice block that held Linnett immobile. Dahler smiled at the girl, a prize indeed in times like these. Not only was she clearly a wild child, her brothers had stopped coming around to see if she was still resting. He put one slim finger against the ice and pressed gently. Immediately it cracked all around her and Linnett found herself standing, leaning against the ice wall and staring into blood red eyes that most definitely did not belong to anyone she knew.

Immediately, she jerked back, only to slam against the wall behind her and the pain came as a surprise. While she had dreamed she hadn't felt any physical pain, just memories of mental anguish that were nothing like this. Dahler smirked and advanced until his nose was almost touching hers. Over two thousand years of arrogance and hatred glowed in his voice, and Linnett could hear her father in him.[/i]

"Little girl, woken up before her time. You should've slept longer. It would've kept you safe from me for longer."

"If I was only going to be attacked by you when I woke up, then what's the point of hoping it would be prolonged?"

"A judicious question."

[i]Linnett's eyes flashed a hawk's gold, and she snarled, revealing the fangs Dahler somehow knew were hiding behind her pale silver lips. Not every wild child had the enormous fangs, but thus far she was proving a textbook example. Although, like every wild child he'd ever seen before, she moved completely erratically, dodging his attacks in unconventional ways, displaying an initiative he hadn't seen in the past ones. It would explain why she was put to rest instead of kept near the clan. That same clan of course was now utterly destroyed, not that either knew, but Dahler had an inkling anyway. He inhaled her scent as he dodged a vicious backhanded swipe from her, the claws on her fingers nearly shredding apart his robe. She seemed completely self aware, and the way she'd spoken to him earlier meant that she was at least several degrees removed from the typical completely insane child born to two vampires.

Someone had either taught her to ape normal vampyric ways, or she had evolved on her own. Higher consciousness was supposed to be impossible, but the way she timed her attacks and used her power effectively made him wonder just what he had set free. In a pincer movement, he caught her by both wrists in one enormous hand and pulled her upwards until she was several inches above the ground. Instead of kicking at him and putting strain on her wrists, she relaxed her arms and let herself dangle, pushing her head forward slightly to look closer at him.[/i]

"You've very odd little girl. You smell like a wild child. You have the fangs of one. But you aren't in a blood frenzy."

"I countered your attacks. And you weren't completely rude to me. It's easier to stay calm that way. And I'm hungry. I can't waste power I don't have."

"Too true. And the other vampires will sleep forever if we step lightly around them."

[i]He dropped Linnett, and she landed more or less on her feet, her wrists crackling slightly. She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes for a moment. No visible marks, just pale skin and dark hair. European eyes, probably close to the Dynn family, and he smelled like her father. She didn't recoil right away, but held herself still. Attacking him now, after not feeding for so long would be suicide. She'd never been able to put a mark on her father, and she most likely couldn't do it now either.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Dahler sat down on the ice that had once encased the creature now currently circling around the cave, waiting for the sun to finish setting. He began to prod her mental defenses, seeing how much she revealed of herself right away. Immediately he found her name written in her thoughts the way her brother had called her once, but got no further as he immediately felt his mind repulsed by what felt like a shock wave. Abruptly she snapped her neck around to get a good look at him from her vantage point on the ceiling, and her eyes shined a brilliant gold.[/i]

"Don't like that little one?"

"You're peeking. In my clan we ask first."

"Well then Linnett Ip Dynn. May I take a closer look?"

"I'll know if you try to circumvent my free will. Daddy tried and failed when I was just a darkling. But you can try."

[i]Dahler frowned at that pronouncement. He knew that she wasn't evolved enough to form a working lie, so that meant she was either so chaotic finding her will amidst layers of psychosis was impossible or far more structured then she appeared at first glance. It turned out both guesses were almost accurate. At first all he saw were two shadowy images of two young male vampires, both old enough to have fleshed out properly in her mind anyway. Then before he could take a closer look, he found Dynn himself towering over her thoughts, huge and imposing with only his eyes visible behind a heavy cowl.

Annoyed, he tried to look beyond but found himself pushed back once more. Linnett cocked her head at his attempts, then dropped down to sit across from him, both hands resting palm up in her lap. Closing her eyes, she reached out with her own thoughts. Dahler felt almost nothing. Plucking at his thoughts like a harp, he barely registered her feelings and realized that someone had taught her how to keep from broadcasting her emotions. In short, he could tell almost nothing of her. He idly considered forcing his way in, but that would trigger another feral outburst and probably ruin his search entirely.

Linnett purred and receded. In her mind, Dahler was just an older, more bemused version of her father, and she knew how he would treat her immediately. Granted, to Dahler, Linnett was a little enigma, utterly perplexing, and very difficult to read. Young vampires, at least ones her age usually revealed themselves without even a read. He paused and opened his eyes to stare into Linnett's.[/i]

"Who taught you how to do this?"

"Not daddy."

[i]Her voice was lilting, singsong. Now that he didn't have her by the wrists, she had reverted to an almost playful, sarcastic tone. Part of it made Dahler want to laugh, and simultaneously break her in half.[/i]

"My brother, brother brother... He taught me how."

"Why did he want you to know that?"

"So daddy wouldn't seeeeee."

[i]She giggled abruptly and then leaned forward a little to peer into Dahler's face. Up close he looked both young and old to her, with lines around his multi-colored eyes and little wrinkles in the corners. But his skin was otherwise smooth and as translucent as hers. Not like daddy then. He showed his age and didn't bother hiding it. Maybe Dahler wasn't as old as he smelled. Maybe he was just an illusion. But his mind was too structured for that. Or appeared structured. Linnett paused and then began to nibble on her fingers. Then she pointed towards the curved entrance.[/i]

"It's all dark outside now." [/FONT][/COLOR]
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  • 4 weeks later...
[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Dahler looked closer into Linnett's eyes as the sun finally began to lip itself down beyond the glaciers. He knew the sun had gone, but the matter of fact way she'd said it and pointed with one exceedingly slender finger made him wonder why she said it like he wasn't aware. Maybe she hadn't spent enough time around her father to find out. Or maybe she was just teasing him. He knew she was capable of deceit. Just not too interested in it apparently, from the open way she held herself, the eyes she constantly let flicker past her surroundings. He pulled himself through the crevasse that had led to her resting place and stepped out barefoot onto the night ice. Linnett followed automatically, eager to get out of her prison now that it was safe.

The landscape glittered with the lights of the Borealis, and she looked up at them with the eager eyes of a child, lips parted slightly, head tilted upwards. He followed her entranced movements with an almost paternal smile and then began walking towards what his body assured him was civilization. North, away from the darkness, and the constant expression of nature's harshest thoughts and feelings. Linnett pounced from precipice to precipice, her fingernails long and naturally pointed, digging into the permafrost like it was styrofoam instead of solid water. Dahler seemed to glide in his cloak, a dark form against the lighter grays and browns of the ice fields. Linnett giggled as she caught his shadow repeatedly, and she rolled down a long embankment and sprang to her feet, pirouetting gracefully before tumbling on an angle down the next hill. Dahler turned to her unexpectedly.[/i]

"Are you always so playful?"

"The ice is nice. Nicey nice. So nice after dreams and dreams and dreams and drea-"

"It is nice, but no unnecessary movements. There may be more of us that have also awakened."

[i]Linnett shook her head fitfully and bounded past him and pointed straight down between her bare toes.[/i]

"One sleeps right near here. And another nearer to my bed. But everyone's asleep. And some of them died in their sleep."

"Show me the closest live one?"

[i]Dahler frowned slightly, his brow furrowing forward, drawing his face down towards his equine nose and thin lips. He couldn't sense a thing.

Normally, when not separated by ice and snow, and in the civilized world he could sense his fellow vampires as easily as he could smell fresh humans. But out here it was as if a psychic blanket had been thrown over him. Part of it irked him, but the other part was curious. If he, ancient enough to be considered an Elder, was incapable of sensing his own kind out here in the southernmost part of the world, just how was she doing it? Was she even telling the truth?

All this as he followed her, heading northwest in an almost straight line, although every now and then she tilted her head to one side as if listening to the music of the spheres, before bounding off in the same direction she'd already been heading. Just when he was about to ask her if she was sure of herself, she took a step forward and threw her arms up as she slid down into a hidden tunnel he would've ordinarily bypassed. He followed and slid several feet down until the almost natural slide tapered off and brought them to a seemingly empty cavern. Linnett padded on the tips of her toes to the far wall, and leaned up against it. She spread her arms out as wide as she could as if reaching for an enormous hug, and tipped her head against it, the starlight colored hair cascading across her face and shoulders.[/i]

"My sleeping friend is right here. Here here here."

"You know him?"

"No, but I love him."

[i]The effect was instantaneous. Ice began to light itself as if from within, and Dahler tiled his head back slightly to find the figure of another vampire, this one at least as old as him standing immobile in the ice, frozen in place perhaps by his own will. Linnett smiled, still with her eyes closed, then brought her head back to face the sleeping vampire's and pierced her lower lip with one fang, then coated her lips with the blood and kissed the ice.[/i]

".....oh dear."

[i]The ice shattered into a thousand pieces, and the vampire stepped down as if from a ledge, fully awake, with none of the eye rubbing and confusion that Linnett had indulged in. He looked down and saw Linnett still with her arms around his waist, head against his chest, with her lower lip trickling blood onto his robe. Dahler didn't take an unconscious step back so much as he felt his body recoil slightly at the surge of cold power that flickered and whispered over this newly awakened vampire's body.[/i]

"Now what's all this? I was in the middle of such a good dream too. Who're you? And who's this?"

"We pray your indulgence. Linnett woke you up without asking me first. I am Dahler, an Elder if you like."

"Linnett? Little Dynn. I can smell it on her. Just like her old daddy dearest, but much much prettier. I saw you far across all the dreaming you did last year. And you are very pretty. Aren't you? "

[i]The girl in question looked up at him and giggled a little. Just a tiny sound in the enormous cavern, but to Dahler's highly trained senses, it seemed to lance across his mind like a braided whip.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[size=1]Well it's pretty interesting, and forgive me if I can't flesh out a good few paragraphs of praise or criticism... not tonight, anyway, haha.

I like the last chapter best and as someone has already stated the story has great atmosphere. The first chapter was harder to follow than the ones that came after (I only had to skim through it again though) so that's my least favourite, but the story as a whole... I like it.

Very nice.[/size]
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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Just as Linnett's laughter was beginning to pop Dahler's ears, the newly awakened vampire placed his hand gently over her mouth and shushed her, just a quiet soothing sound. As he did he placed his lips on her forehead and she arched back, her arms spread out on either side of her, falling backwards. He knelt to catch her, and laid her out on the ice, folding her arms over her chest. Then he looked up over his shoulder at Dahler's face and gave him a slightly scathing look.[/i]

"Do you have any idea what you woke up?"

"A wild child, Dynn's very own precious little daughter."

[i]Dahler raised a skeptical eyebrow and folded his arms across his chest, not confrontationally as he might've done earlier.[/i]

"Precious? Last I dreamed, he'd kicked her out of the clan and her brother had brought her here for safety's sake."

"So she's really a monster, more than the usual."

"You probed her mind earlier. You've seen."

[i]His expression became pained, as if remembering his failing to get closer into Linnett's psyche. The girl had been like a glass wall.[/i]

"Actually I didn't. She closed herself off pretty well. Too well in fact to be a real monster. Her capacity for higher thought is bigger than it should be."

"You think she's not really even one of us?"


"Ah well. I'm Enige by the way. Enige of the Jahaena clan. Last one surviving probably."

"Dahler of the Myind."

[i]Introductions over, Enige picked up Linnett and cradled her small form against his chest, turning to face north again where the moon was hanging almost lazily against the star speckled sky. She stirred slightly in her sleep and Einge stroked her hair as gently as any doting father.[/i]

"I watched this one flit through my dreams like a child in a candy store. She's perfect you know."

"Perfect? Dynn couldn't control her, her brothers could barely keep her leashed."

"Dynn was an overambitious fool. Siring this girl on a witch like he did."

"You don't mean-"

[i]The only sign Dahler gave that a phosphorous grenade had gone off in his stomach was a slight twitch of his left eye. Witches, such as the kind who hunted vampires in both an amateur and professional capacity were generally very risky business. Poisonous blood, wild and untamable, Dynn had probably caught one, raped her, and imprisoned her somewhere for the duration of the pregnancy. Such an act was both considered an abomination, and highly questionable.

In fact, it was a marvel Linnett had survived this long without imploding. To prove his point, Einge leaned down and pierced Linnet's lower lip again with his fangs. Bright red blood welled up immediately and he turned her to face Dahler. He bent his head down and tasted, then staggered back, visions exploding in his mind's eye, out of control, surging, writhing, tenuous fibers of sanity snapping all around him, and then the moment passed. He steadied himself with one hand against the wall, and looked askance at her. Einge didn't chuckle, but his wry smile said it all.[/i]


"You probably should've warned me she would-"

"It's always better to walk into these without any preconceived ideas. How did she taste?"

[i]Dahler shook his head. Not salty like human blood, and not thick and syrupy like vampire girls tended to be. More like wine, bitter and tangy with a hint of something he couldn't quite name. And the visions just a taste of her blood had given him, of destruction, fire, and ruin had almost shattered him.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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That's an interesting twist, though to be honest, I'm not sure what I think of adding witches into the mix. Probably because there are so many variations about just what they can do out there and that makes it hard to know where you're going. So... I think I'll wait and see where that goes before I decide just what I really think of that. It does explain a bit of why she's so odd though. =P
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[FONT=Arial]I still maintain that the story had more appeal for me back when it was just a short story and only as long as the opening post. More poignant, I think.

Still, depending on the goal of the narrative now, I could get back into it. And with that in mind, I have a few questions.

What if you included more of Dahler right after the initial scene, and let Linnett's dreams continually interrupt the reader's following of him until he awakens her? If you did that, you could work towards not just revealing Linnett's identity, but do so as Dahler tries to do so.

Since you seem to have definitively shifted to Dahler's pov by now, that concept has some merit, I think. Additionally, that would give you a solid goal to pursue, and would pace Linnett's dreams better; you could also use Dahler's presence to influence her dreams, and so add to Linnett's character by letting her use the dreams to sense someone's arrival.

Basically just thoughts on presentation and purpose.

Also, watch your modifiers.

[QUOTE=Raiha][COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]Terrible and overwhelming, Kai and his brother.....

Like many deep sleeping vampires, Linnett's dreams,....[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]
There, you described Kai and his brother as terrible and overwhelming (instead of Dynn), and you described Linnett's dreams as "like many vampires" (instead of like the dreams of many deep sleeping vampires). Check yourself. (^_^)

Apologies for the cursory tone of this post, but that's really all I can think to add at the moment.[/FONT]
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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Curling Linnett up into a pliable fetal position, Einge carried her as he and Dahler ran, outpacing the night, heading for the next safe place to hide until the sun rose again. The two didn't speak, and the only sound was their footfalls on the frozen wasteland. Eventually, just as the rosy fingers of dawn were spreading across they slipped into a cavern pressed up against the sea cliffs and laid out to sleep out the day. Dahler leaned against a wall for a few minutes, getting the feel of their new resting place.[/i]

"We'll reach Tierra Del Fuego tomorrow."

"And find real clothing, real flesh slaves, real blood again."

"Will you keep her leashed? She seems to like you."

"Naturally. I'm her grandfather after all."

[i]Dahler made some noncommittal sound and slid down until he was stretched out on the ice. Einge did the same with his own private smirk, letting Dahler work out the ramifications of that statement. The Dynn clan was a branch family of the Jahaena clan, and as such he could say without too much deceit that he was something of a grandfather to Linnett, even if the blood was a couple times removed. That and he'd watched her far more closely than her own father had, probed her mind delicately, with the same sort of finesse that Linnett herself had used. He'd taken sips of her pain and found them as delicious as her forbidden blood had been to Dahler, just less filled with visions of terror and zorn.

Linnett had spent the night in a strange sort of slumber, dreaming of being tossed from brother to brother in a game they used to play to test their strength and reflexes. Now she was laid out in the traditional position with her hands lightly crossed over her chest, Dahler and Einge on either side of her in the same position. As soon as she felt her body stretch out the true sleep overtook her and she found her dream self dancing down the staircase of her former home.

Clad in a white linen shift she shuffled her feet, then swept her arms around her in a circle and cartwheeled one handed down the hall into the main lounge. In her dream, the room was empty, and she stood alone in the middle of the seven pointed star circle carpet, woven of human hair, dipped in the blood of their clan's enemies. While there she combed out her hair with her fingers and carefully braided seven small strands together, tying them with threads ripped from the hem of her clothing. Then, personal hygiene satisfied, she sat down cross-legged and sang to herself in a soft high voice, the sound drifting from her mind to Dahler and Einge's, slowly incorporated into their own dreams.[/i]

"The Eater comes down near,
His blade is on my skin,
To carve a new feeling,
And then I let the cut begin."

[i]She repeated the verse again slower, and then slower, and then she felt her dream self curl down into a small circle, like an exhausted kitten and closed her eyes.

Dahler heard her song echoing to him, as in his dreams he strode down a marble hall, pillared almost excessively, knowing he was home. In his family's mansion, he saw young vampires flickering in the corners of his vision, but when he tried to look directly, they disappeared completely. Disappointed, he went back to his own clan's main hall and found Linnett, looking very out of place, sleeping as carelessly as anything and leaned down to pull her hair away from her face. Just as his hand was about to touch her overly fair skin her yellow eyes snapped open and she snarled at him, recoiling and leaping backwards to cling to the furthest corner of the wall. He held up a hand in pacification and took a step towards her, but as he did he heard a long low chuckle come from over his left shoulder.

As he whirled around he saw Einge, clad in a simple cowl of black, holding out a palm full of blood, walking towards Linnett's corner. As he did he spoke in a soft, soothing voice as if comforting a fractious babe.[/i]

"There there, Dahler didn't mean to take liberties with you. Come down child and drink. You must be so thirsty."

[i]She hissed at first, then slowly slipped down, her claws leaving huge strands of crackled plaster and stone behind her and cautiously stepped closer to Einge. Then, lured by the scent of the blood, she leaned her head down and lapped at it with her perhaps almost overlong tongue. He smiled over his shoulder at Dahler, who hadn't moved from his first position. Einge's voice, still in that gentle tone reached his ears.[/i]

"You see? Easy as breathing."[/FONT][/COLOR]
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  • 2 months later...
[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="times new roman"][i]The dream stretched and grew thin, then shattered completely. Just as the sun was beginning to sink, Linnett's ears perked and twitched, and she hurtled herself up from her place between Einge and Dahler. Stretching out the nails in her fingers and toes, she leapt from place to place, sinking her digits into the ceiling, the walls, the ground below.

Eventually she peeked out of the cave and saw the frozen ocean. She blinked her eyes once, twice, and then her Sight activated. Immediately things far away pressed closer into her vision, opening up for her, revealing their destination at last. On either side of her, Dahler and Einge appeared, quietly and calmly, observing their feral kin as she used the Sight as easily as the best trained among them. Then she shook her head, and smiled up at the pair of them as brightly as any happy child.[/i]

"Not far now, not far at all. The fires are out for the night."

"See? I told you she was perfect."

[i]Einge smirked at Dahler's bemused expression, then he took Linnett's small hand and curled it up into his, pulling her across his shoulders to let her lock her legs around his hips. Then he broke into an easy run, Dahler loping next to him, both looking straight ahead, headed for the city Linnett had seen.

Two hours at the same pace brought the three into the capital of Tierra Del Fuego, the city of Ushuaia, where there were both people and supplies. Breaking into a store was the first order of business, with Dahler bypassing the security systems and guards both. Once there, Linnett waited for the men to finish. Vanity was an unknown quantity to her, and she didn't object with Einge gently wrapped her in a long sleeved dress of dark red and slipped a pair of sturdy boots onto her feet. She combed her hair with her fingers while Dahler and Einge pulled on form fitting pants and shirts, boots and overcoats. Taking her hand, Einge led her back out into the nearby alley and waited for Dahler to shut the door and join them.

Once there, Einge waited patiently for a pair of humans to pass them by, perhaps more, enough to stun quietly and then bring back for a brief snack. Dahler's eyes widened as a group of late night carousers drifted towards their waiting place.[/i]

"Fatal feeding or stun and abandon?"

"Should probably make it fatal. Linnett is really quite hungry."

[i]Both turned to see that Linnett had already left them both without their noticing, and was gesturing at the five young males who were on their way over. They came with some laughter, nudges and winks, seeing only a pretty girl with oddly colored eyes and hair, no danger. None of them even noticed when she had led them well past six feet into the alley, when Einge and Dahler dropped down from the walls. One gently pushed Linnett against a wall, taking a kiss from her, which became longer and more drawn out while the rest of the group erupted into cat calls and hoots.

Einge waited patiently for the others to notice that Dahler had already picked out his prey and sunk his teeth directly into the jugular. Nobody seemed capable of taking their eyes off of Linnett, who was still running the tip of her tongue across the young male's lips. He felt an abrupt tugging sensation, and realized that she'd begun to use whatever blood gift she'd been born with on everyone present. Indiscriminately ensorcelling and smiling all the while, Linnett was eating not only their free will but their desire as well. Drinking it like the blood she was now gently pulling from a simple wound in her first prey's wrist.

Just as the male began to go under, Linnett tugged her lips free from his skin and let it ice over. She let him sink to his knees, shivering in the snow, while the next male walked jerkily toward her like a badly controlled puppet.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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  • 1 month later...
[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Linnett flicked her fingers in a rolling gesture that reminded Einge of a dancing girl. The male jerked to a halt and sank to his knees before her, proffering up his wrists like a penitent about to receive the rites at the altar. Linnett drank, barely inclining her head, and Einge smiled to himself, drawing another youth's throat up to his mouth, the ensorcellment taking all of the fight out of the boy. Dahler dropped the corpse, drumming and twitching reflexively to the ground, then smiled bloodily as Einge did much the same. Both watched as Linnett finished her feed and abruptly released her psychic hold on the two surviving males.

Both began to scream convulsively, shuddering with the cold and agonizing paralytic fear, only to have their screams choked off as Linnett's image blurred, wavered, and surged past the pair of them, her left and right hands flashing outwards faster than either Dahler or Einge could follow. Then arterial sprays of blood, and two more corpses decorated the floor, both with their throats ripped open into hideous gaping smiles.

Linnett turned and smiled at Dahler and Einge impartially, both noting that her lips and mouth were completely clean and free of blood.[/i]

"Hunger sated little one?"

"Yes. But now it's nap time."

"Aren't you tired of sleeping? You slept for a long time you know."

[i]Linnett tilted her head slightly to one side, and Einge considered that perhaps Linnett didn't have as good grasp of the flow of time as other vampires did. It was entirely possible she didn't know when she hit puberty, or was conscious of any other time markers that most people notice on a regular basis. She could be 200 and she probably would still feel the same as she did when she was 12. Instead of pondering this further, Linnett held her hand up to Einge and gestured with her fingertips.[/i]

"We should sleep. Dawn comes soon."

"Does it?"

[i]Dahler and Einge looked back over their shoulders and saw the gray predawn growing over the horizon. Taking her advice, they withdrew from the alley into an abandoned warehouse to wait out the day, headed for the basement. Once there, Linnett immediately curled up with her skirt twisted around her like a blanket and fell asleep, blood dreams filling her mind immediately. Dahler and Einge took their time, leaning against the cold stone walls and considering their next move. Since coming back to the mainland, they didn't sense any untoward happenings or people that might signal danger any more than usual. No werewolves, no witches, and nothing else came up in their radar.

Instead both could feel nothing, making them wonder just what they had missed. Dahler leaned back once more, closing his eyes, while Einge folded his fingers in his lap and considered Linnett impartially, just visible in the dark room. Her skin appeared almost luminescent to his night vision, and around her he could sense the mild aura of power that most vampires could draw into themselves after feeding on both blood and the psychic magnetism of humans. Hers swelled and billowed randomly, shrinking and growing and then coiling around her like a barely contained vapor. Then it contracted again and Linnett sank deeper into her dreams.

Einge picked up her line of subconscious and followed it into a chain of memories, drawing himself slowly along her thoughts until he felt like he was hovering over her left shoulder.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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