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Writing Dan Seri [Bleach]


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Guest Kaimaster
[CENTER][U][I][B]Chapter 1
New form[/B][/I][/U]

From Naruto's world to Bleach world. Danddo transform into a the Shinigami with a wolf head handle Zanpakuto. Now His Ban-Kai is called the Nightmare mist. Now Dan Seri's face look like Ashido's face and have Ichigo Kurosaki's hairstyle but brown. He still have some Cheek Whiskers from his days in Naruto World. Only one Cheek Whisker pre-cheek.


Dan Seri landed on his butt and he saw Yadoumaru Risa. She kissed Honshou Chizuru on her lips. Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru saw Dan they ran cause they don't want anyone to watch them.

On Friday Inoue Orihime ran into Dan from a Hollow. Dan killed the Hollow. Inoue Orihime asked, "What's your sir?" Dan answered, "My Name is Dan Seri. What's your name Princess?" Inoue Orihime said, "My name is Inoue Orihime." Dan kissed her hand. Kurosaki Ichigo thought that Dan was the hollow.

Inoue Orihime invite Dan to her house for saving her life. She offer her bed to him. He didn't want to. Inoue Orihime wouldn't take no for an answer. So Dan cave in to her. That night Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru sneak into Inoue Orihime's bedroom. They force Dan to stand up staight. They each took turn kissing him on his lips.

Saturday morning Inoue Orihime came in and turn on her bedroom light. She sees Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru kissing him on his cheeks. Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru was shocked cause they are kissing a man. They are bushing. They jumped on Inoue Orihime and the both started kissing her on her cheeks and lips. Arisawa Tatsuki came over and she saw this toss Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru on Inoue Orihime. Arisawa Tatsuki toss Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru. They jumped out the window.

Arisawa Tatsuki asked, "Who is the handsome stranger?" Inoue Orihime replied, "His name is Dan Seri and he saved me from a Hollow. He didn't have a place to stay or a job yet in the real world yet." Arisawa Tatsuki kissed Dan Seri on his lips.

[U][I][B]Chapter 2
Monday[/B][/I][/U]

Arisawa Tatsuki,Inoue Orihime and Kurosaki Ichigo convine Dan to go to their school. So Dan did. When he open the door for Arisawa Tatsuki and Inoue Orihime. Dan forgot about Ichigo and Ichigo got the door slam into his face.

Ochi Misato was walking down the hallway. When she spoted Ichigo she say Not him again to herself. When she saw Dan helped Ichigo. Dan said, "Ichigo I'm so sorry I'd accidently slamed the door in your face." Ichigo yelled, "It wasn't an accidented. You did it on pur..." Arisawa Tatsuki slap Ichigo on his head to accpect his forgiveness.

Ochi Misato asked, "Ichigo whose your handsome friend? Is he related to you? Cause you both have the same hairstyle and eyes," Ichigo replied, "He's my lost long cousin and he'd move here." Dan Seri kissed Ochi Misato's hand and said, "Whose this young beauty?" Ochi Misato's was bushing and said, "I'm Ichigo's teacher. I hope you will join his class." Dan kissed her hand and said, "I love too." So Dan took her class.

At lunch time. All of the other teachers went out to eat expect for Ochi Misato who brought her lunch. Now she's in the Teacher Lounge all lone. When she saw a shadow figure that matched Dan Seri's figure. She grabbed him and started kissing him on his lips. She had her eyes close when she's grabbed the figure. Ichigo was shocked to find himself kissing his teacher on her lips. When she open her eyes. She recognized that she's kissing Ichigo on his lips. Then when Dan was done with his lunch. He went walking by the Teacher Lounge. Ochi Misato grabbed Dan and started kissing him on his lips. Ichigo ran out of their like he was grossed out by kissed his teacher.

[U][I][B]Chapter 2
Tuesday[/B][/I][/U]

At Lunch Time. Ochi Misato was once again eat lunch alone in the Teacher Lounge. She saw two shadow figures that matches with Dan's figure. She said to herself She won't make the same mistake like yesterday. So she grabbed both of them and she started kissed each of them on their lips. She had her eyes close again when she'd grabbed the figures. When she open her eyes. She recognized that she's kissing Ichigo on his lips. Dan was sitting on the Teachers couch and chuckled to himself and watched Ochi Misato kissing Ichigo. Then Ochi Misato jumped on Dan's lap and she'd started kissing him on his lips.

After School was done. When she saw a shadow figure that matched Dan Seri's figure. She'd grabbed the figure and start kissing him. When she open her eyes. She recognized that she's kissing Ichigo on his lips.

When Ichigo showing Dan the town. Meanwhile in a dark ally Yadoumaru Risa kissing Honshou Chizuru on her lips. They stop kissing when they saw Ochi Misato grabbed Ichigo and Dan started kissing them on their lips. Ochi Misato still have her eyes close when she'd grabbed the figures. Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru want to join in. So they do. They pushed Dan and Ichigo out of the way. Now in the ally Yadoumaru Risa and Honshou Chizuru are kissing Ochi Misato. Ochi Misato open her eyes and she recognized she's kissing females not Dan. She ran and spiting all the way home. Then Honshou Chizuru kissing Yadoumaru Risa on her lips.



[U][I][B]Chapter 3
Wedesday[/B][/I][/U]

Ochi Misato was once again eat lunch alone in the Teacher Lounge. That what she thought. After she grabbed Ichigo and Dan and started to kissing them with her eyes close. She hear the Principal foot steps. Then she grabbed Honshou Chizuru and Yadoumaru Risa. Ochi Misato told the girls to started kissing Dan and Ichigo on their lips. If they do that she'll give all four of them good grades. So they did. Yadoumaru Risa kissing Ichigo on his lips and Honshou Chizuru kissing Dan on his lips. When the Principal came in and sent Honshou Chizuru, Yadoumaru Risa, Dan and Ichigo out of the Teachers' Lounge. Ochi Misato said, "Hi Honey what's up?" Principal said, "Nothing with me but I want to spend the lunch with my dear wife." Principal kissing Ochi Misato on her lips.

Shinigamis, Quincies and Vizoreds . They found out the Aizen Sousuke and Orochimaru. They also are Cousin. In the Leaf Village those Blackoops are actually a ninja style of Shinigamis.

So Ayasegawa Yumichika,Ise Nanao,Koutestu Isane,Kuchiki Rukia,Kurotshuchi Nemu,Matsumoto Rangiku,Sarugaki Hiyori,Shiba Kuukaku,Shihouin Yoruichi,Soi Fong,Tsumugiya Ururu,Unohana Retsu,Yadoumaru Risa they spend the night at Inoue Orihime's house. Yadoumaru Risa grabbed Inoue Orihime and started kissing her on her lips. Then Yadoumaru Risa grabbed Matsumoto Rangiku on her lips.
Honshou Chizuru was walking by Inoue Orihime house and she saw Yadoumaru Risa kissing someone.
Honshou Chizuru thought that Yadoumaru Risa and Inoue Orihime are a couple now. Honshou Chizuru got mad. That was the last straw for her. She vow to herself that she'll never kiss an another girl in the world.

Back in the Inoue Orihime house. Dan came to visit. Inoue Orihime, Ayasegawa Yumichika,Ise Nanao,Koutestu Isane,Kuchiki Rukia,Kurotshuchi Nemu,Matsumoto Rangiku,Sarugaki Hiyori,Shiba Kuukaku,Shihouin Yoruichi,Soi Fong,Tsumugiya Ururu and Unohana Retsu took turns kiss him on his lips. Dan got done kissing Inoue Orihime,Ayasegawa Yumichika,Ise Nanao,Koutestu Isane,Kuchiki Rukia,Kurotshuchi Nemu,Matsumoto Rangiku,Sarugaki Hiyori,Shiba Kuukaku,Shihouin Yoruichi,Soi Fong,Tsumugiya Ururu and Unohana Retsu on their lips. He looked at Yadoumaru Risa and grabbed her and start kissing her on her lips. Yadoumaru Risa was shocked at first but in short while should was enjoy it.

[U][I][B]Chapter 4
Thursday[/B][/I][/U]

At school Yadoumaru Risa grabbed Honshou Chizuru and started kissing her on her lips. Honshou Chizuru pushed her off and said, "You was cheating on me with Inoue Orihime last night. We are no longer a couple." Yadoumaru Risa replied, "If that's how you feel." Then for the last time she grabbed Honshou Chizuru and gave her a long good-bye kiss on her lips. When Honshou Chizuru saw Dan walking by. She grabbed him and pushed Yadoumaru Risa off of her. Now Honshou Chizuru is kissing Dan on his lips.

Ochi Misato was once again eat lunch alone in the Teacher Lounge. She made sure that she sees Dan. She grabbed Dan and started kissing him on his lips. When she'd hear her husband's foot steps coming near. She switch spots with Dan. The Principal came into the Lounge and saw Dan on his wife. Ochi Misato put Dan's hands when it look like Dan is hold her. Ochi Misato gave Dan a detention after school. She whisper in a flirtous voice in Dan's ear, "You and me in the detention after school."

After school in the detention. So Dan went to detention. Ochi Misato started kissing Dan on his lips for half-hour. The Principal want to check on Dan. He peek inside the detention window. He saw Ochi Misato threw herself on Dan. Then the Principal told Ochi Misato that he wants a divorce from her cause she's cheating on him. The Principal said, "Sorry Dan. I thought you was hitting on my wife but now I see my wife was hitting on you. Can you forgive me?" Dan replied, "I already have forgive you and forgot about it." The Principal lift the detention from Dan's records.

[U][I][B]Chapter 5
Danddo Return to Leaf Village.[/B][/I][/U]

Dan Seri disguise himself as a Blackoops to get into the village and to Tsunade's office. After Dan got into the office. Tsunade was looking out the window and just remembering her times with her boyfriend Dan, her brother and Danddo Seri. Dan jumped on Tsunade's lap and took off his ANBU's masked. He started to kissing her on her lips. Tsunade asked, "What the heck are you doing? Also you are you?" Dan said, "It been a while sense we kissed like that. I remember our first kissed. You thought that I was your beloved Dan. So you jumped on my lap and started kissing me on my lips." Tsunade stare was at Dan and said, "You are miss two Cheek Whiskers what happen to them?" Dan replied, "That's what happen when your dead in this life." Tsunade said, "The only way to tell if you are Danddo-kun." Tsunade grabbed Dan and kissed him on his lips. Tsunade said with a soft surprise voice, "It is really you! Your face and your hair change so mush." Dan said, "I'm not a konoha ninja anymore. Now I'm a Shinigami." Tsunade said, "I thought that was just a myth or a legend." Dan said, "That's what I thought too but look at me now."
Tsunade said, "You look more handsome now than when you had my beloved's hairstyle." Tsunade grabbed Dan again and started kissing him again on his lips.

Dan said, "I came here for a mission and I think you should know that. A evil Shinigami named Aizen Sousuke related to Orochimaru. They are Cousins. We also found the Sai is your son with Orochimaru, Kabuto is your son with Jiraya." Tsunade said, "It can't be. Cause I would remeber giving birth to them." Dan said, "You probably would remember it. If Orochimaru wash your brain clear and just put in all the stuff he wants you to remember." Tsunade hit her desk in half and said, "If I get my hands on Orochimaru he'll be dead meat." Dan kissed Tsunade on her lips and left to go back to Soul Society. Before Dan left the village. He went to peek in on Kurenai. He see Shikamaru and Kureni holding babies.


[/CENTER]
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[FONT=Arial]And after reading this thread in addition to your other one, I have sincere doubts that this project has any merit. It appears to me that the only reason you created this character was to live out a wet dream based on universes that do not exist.

If the only reason you're writing this stuff is to stimulate your groin, I highly suggest you reconsider. It's not worth your time.[/FONT]
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Guest Kaimaster
[quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial]And after reading this thread in addition to your other one, I have sincere doubts that this project has any merit. It appears to me that the only reason you created this character was to live out a wet dream based on universes that do not exist.

If the only reason you're writing this stuff is to stimulate your groin, I highly suggest you reconsider. It's not worth your time.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

No. It's not that.

I'm think out of my box.

Does Star Wars have Incest? Luke's sister kissed him on his lips.

Does Bleach have girls trying kiss girls?
Does Please Teacher have a Teacher go out with one of her students?

I'd mix those with some part of Naruto. This is how it came about.
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[quote name='Kaimaster']Does Star Wars have Incest? Luke's sister kissed him on his lips.

Does Bleach have girls trying kiss girls?

Does Please Teacher have a Teacher go out with one of her students?[/QUOTe]

[SIZE="1"]1) Star Wars doesn't count considering neither of the two knew they were related at the time, and Leia kissed Luke simply to make Han jealous, there was no romantic intent there. While you could also bring up the "Kiss for Luck" from Episode 4 I would also debate its legitimacy.

2) Yes it does, but Chizuru is a source of comic relief only, she will never actually get to kiss Orihime no matter how hard she tries. In fact romance seems to be simply used for comic relief in Bleach as opposed to a genuine aspect, while there are more serious notes between Ichigo and Rukia, Rukia and Renji, and Ichigo and Orihime it is almost never overt (the only exception being where Orihime nearly kisses Ichigo and then doesn't before Hueco Mundo).

3) I have no idea, but seeing are your previous two points were incorrect, I don't hold heavy hope that this one is accurate either.

While I don't mean to sound as blunt as Allamorph, this does seem to have been written purely for ecchi purposes.[/size]
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[COLOR="Indigo"][FONT="Arial"][quote name='Kaimaster']Does Please Teacher have a Teacher go out with one of her students?[/quote]Please Teacher deals with a woman who is an alien and a student who due to a medical condition isn't an underage hormonal kid. In addition to her curing said medical condition and eventually [spoiler]marrying him.[/spoiler] There was no screwing around like you're implying. Far more than simply writing out sexual fantasies that serve no purpose other than to gratify oneself.

The others are trying to give you input since it seems like there isn't any story other than the kissing. That's all they are saying here.[/FONT][/COLOR]
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[QUOTE=Kaimaster]No. It's not that.

I'm think out of my box. [/QUOTE]
[FONT=Arial].......ooohhh-kay.

[QUOTE][I]Does Star Wars have Incest? Luke's sister kissed him on his lips. [/I][/QUOTE]
No incest there, mah friend. As [COLOR=DarkRed]Gavin[/COLOR] pointed out, that instance was a foil for Leia and Han's relationship. Leia was being petulant to show her contempt for Han's arrogance, despite (and in denial of) her inner feelings.

Incidentally, I think you should read [I][U]Oedipus Rex[/U][/I]. Incest there, but well-done, and a necessity to the actual plot.

[QUOTE][I]Does Bleach have girls trying kiss girls?[/I][/QUOTE]
This is called fanservice, and serves no purpose in advancing the story. Since fanservice seems to be your primary staple, I am concerned you have no real story.

[QUOTE][I]Does Please Teacher have a Teacher go out with one of her students?[/I][/QUOTE]
[I]Please, Teacher[/I] is a romantic comedy, and not one in which I place a great deal of value?though I'm sure others disagree. However, the series delves into what you seem to be skimming: character interaction and development.

All of these cases can be used effectively in entertainment media. However, a story consisting almost exclusively of the unnatural, convenient popularity with every female character present does not typically lend itself to quality writing.

My concern, again, is not so much [I]how[/I] this concept came into being, but [I]why[/I]. I question your motivations.[/FONT]
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Guest Kaimaster
[quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial].......ooohhh-kay.


No incest there, mah friend. As [COLOR=DarkRed]Gavin[/COLOR] pointed out, that instance was a foil for Leia and Han's relationship. Leia was being petulant to show her contempt for Han's arrogance, despite (and in denial of) her inner feelings.

Incidentally, I think you should read [I][U]Oedipus Rex[/U][/I]. Incest there, but well-done, and a necessity to the actual plot.


This is called fanservice, and serves no purpose in advancing the story. Since fanservice seems to be your primary staple, I am concerned you have no real story.

Here's a clip from Star Wars Incest:[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXFf8R6Thm0[/url]


[I]Please, Teacher[/I] is a romantic comedy, and not one in which I place a great deal of value—though I'm sure others disagree. However, the series delves into what you seem to be skimming: character interaction and development.

All of these cases can be used effectively in entertainment media. However, a story consisting almost exclusively of the unnatural, convenient popularity with every female character present does not typically lend itself to quality writing.

My concern, again, is not so much [I]how[/I] this concept came into being, but [I]why[/I]. I question your motivations.[/FONT][/QUOTE]

Bible have Incest, Have Joacb had lots of sons from other women than Rachel.

I thought that freedom of speech. Is was allow on this site. I guess I was wrong.

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE ME. DO YOU?
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[quote name='Kaimaster']Bible have Incest, Have Joacb had lots of sons from other women than Rachel.

I thought that freedom of speech. Is was allow on this site. I guess I was wrong.

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE ME. DO YOU?[/QUOTE]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"]The Bible has very little to do with Bleach I'm afraid. Also Jacob as I recall had four wives, a fact that was never disputed or hidden. He had twelve sons, and only two by Rachel, so why even mention her? Leah was the one who did all of the heavy lifting so to speak.

It's kind of hard to like someone who can't express himself without relying on anger as a fallback when given constructive criticism.

For the record incest typically is defined as oral/vaginal/etc sex between blood related individuals. So kissing your sister isn't incest. Screwing her over a table is.[/FONT][/COLOR]
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[quote name='Kaimaster']Bible have Incest, Have Joacb had lots of sons from other women than Rachel.

I thought that freedom of speech. Is was allow on this site. I guess I was wrong.

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE ME. DO YOU?[/QUOTE]

[font=franklin gothic medium]Hey now, chill out. Okay?

First of all, you can't be surprised at the reaction to this piece. It contains no real story and doesn't make a great deal of sense - every second line is "kissing on the lips".

My gut feeling is that this is an age-related thing more than anything else. I don't know how old you are, but if you're very young...then the limitations of this writing make sense. Either that, or English isn't your first language.

Secondly - and in all seriousness - everyone here has attempted to offer you [i]advice[/i] on your work. Even if people don't like it, they're giving you the courtesy of critiquing and letting you know how you can improve.

So you'd do well to listen to that genuine advice.

This is clearly not an explicit story (far from it), but one of the problems is that it's entirely based on sex. If you're going to involve mature subjects in a story, it's a good idea to have a core story where these ideas are involved - rather than shoehorning a "story" into an entirely sexual situation.

As far as free speech goes...you've been able to post this thread. Nobody has closed or deleted it. Nobody is censoring you.

You're simply being offered advice on how to improve. This story will be of little interest to anyone while it remains almost entirely centered on "kissing".[/font] :catgirl:

[quote]For the record incest typically is defined as oral/vaginal/etc sex between blood related individuals. So kissing your sister isn't incest. Screwing her over a table is.[/quote]

[font=franklin gothic medium]I nearly spat my water out when I read this. People must be wondering what the hell I'm laughing at...[/font]
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