Can't help who you love?

[Drizzt Do'urden]

Now I'm looking for advice on possibly what and if I should say something to my fiancee's sister. She is, or was rather, a good person. Spent time with her kids (of which she has 2), only drank once or twice a month, didn't smoke or do drugs. (She now drinks 4-5 times a week HEAVILY, has nothing to do with her kids, and at least smokes weed)

She began seeing somebody through an internet dating site. As these things happen they met through there, emailed each other, chatted, and fell in love. About a month ago this guy called her from a nearby corrections facility demanding a ride and a place to live; it seemed he was just released from his second "tour of duty" as a resident of said facility for drug related offenses. When I say drug related I don't mean pot, I mean coke, Ex, meth, the list runs on.

Now I do believe that you can be reformed, but the way he called her and demanded a ride and a place to crash. Now this guy, don't ask me how I still don't believe it, gained custody of his two children upon release from prison (yes with no job and no official place to live. Once again I still can't believe it.)

So now it's my fiancee's sister, her two kids, his two kids, and two of his cousins living together in a two bedroom home. Now first of all, I do realize you can't help who you love. But can you help who somebody else loves?

I know there are giong to be several people who are say/think. Oh if she loves him and he's willing to work on himself its none of my damn business. But first of all its not fair to the kids, secondally she's working 65 hours a week to pick up his slack. And he's back on coke (yes sadly enough I've seen him do it while I was picking up my neice and nephew (well my fiancee's).

So I guess I need some advice. She's stubborn as a mule and if you start talking about it will just hang up the phone on you. So I need to decide whether to have her family (this is a mutual thing) sort've jump her next time they're all at her mother's house. In front of him if need be.

I've also considered calling the police, I know where he hides his "stash" and I've met a couple of his "customers" and they wouldn't be hard to track down. But then I'm afraid she'll know it was me and I won't be able to see the kids (yes she's the kind of person that uses the fact that she has kids to her advantage) anymore. Or worse she would take it out on my fiancee and not allow her to see the kids either....

To explain that a little more, due to a childhood incident. There is a slim chance my fiancee will ever be able to concieve, so she sort've "adopts" her neices and nephews as her own children (in a metaphorical way). And losing them even for a short period of time (we keep them overnight 3-4 times a week)

So any advice would be appreciated, I know that in the end its not even my decision to make. But if I can have a positive impact on the situation in any way it would mean so much.

[TimeChaser]

If this guy has a drug stash and is also dealing, it's obvious that he hasn't reformed. This situation sounds like it poses a danger to the kids, which I'm sure the law would also concur with. Their well being is what matters, so I would seriously consider calling the authorities.

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]I really think this is pretty clear cut. If this person is right back into dealing drugs, the police need to be informed so they can deal with it immediately. The way I see it, even if she won't let you see the kids again, at least you'll know they're safer with him out of the picture.

Ask yourself which is worse, never seeing them again, or leaving them in the position of being exposed to the dangers that come from him doing drugs and dealing? I think the kids safety and well being comes first.[/FONT]

[Kenso]

[SIZE=1][FONT=Comic Sans MS]I'm going to have to throw out another agreement here. The drug dealing is not only illegal, but it places the children [/FONT][/SIZE][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=1]in an extremely dangerous situation. I know it will be painful to not be able to see the kids, but you really do need to take that risk and turn the scumbag in. As harsh as it sounds, to not do so means you're not much better than him.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[James]

[font=franklin gothic medium]This is a difficult situation because, in terms of her relationship with this man... it really is none of your business. Unfortunately people that we know and love can make very foolish decisions when it comes to partners - especially when they have children.

Her taste in men notwithstanding, I do think that the bigger issue is the children. If you feel that the children are in a dangerous environment (and they obviously are), then I would certainly consider involving the authorities.

But as others have said, if you do that, you must be prepared for the consequences - she is obviously not going to appreciate your intervention.

Having said that, I certainly know nothing about this woman... it may be enough for you to also offer your support if she needs it. By that I mean, when you speak to her, offer her your help and support rather than your judgment. Remind her that your door is always open. Let her know that if she wants a break, you can babysit her kids for a while or something. You know?

Again it's hard to really say what to do here because none of us really know these people well enough. But I find that sometimes people in her situation are very defensive if they feel they're being judged - but they may look more favourably upon someone who just wants to be there to support them.

In any case, good luck with it. It sounds like a very difficult situation.[/font]

[chibi-master]

Call the police. NOW. Your fiancee's sister doesn't have to know it was you anyway! She can make guesses and accusations, but you can deny them! Once again, think of those children, NOT your relationship with the people right now. If the kids are at risk, is it really fair to leave them in that situation for fear of having the sister angry with you and your fiancee? NO, it's not. YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HELP. TAKE IT.

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=#9933ff]To put it bluntly CPS should be called immediately because your fiancee's sister is endangering the welfare of her children and this "man's" children as well. Reguardless of the fact that it's really no one's business who she's dating. It becomes someone's business when small children are involved- or children in general. It's your responsiblity as an adult and the future uncle of these children to get something done immediately. In fact CPS is going to wonder why something wasn't done sooner.

To be honest if this woman has time and effort invested in this guy it'd be next to impossible for her to see his [Many] faults with help. Sometimes it's easier to see what's wrong when you bring it to her attention. And of course if you're going to bring up all the bad stuff on the 'love of her life' then of course she's going to shut down. But who cares? She's an adult who is making her decisions no matter how bad those decisions are. Your main concern should be the kids. Do something about them first then concentrate on the mess your soon to be sister-in-law has become.[/color]

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"][FONT="Arial"][quote name='Drizzt Do'urden']I know there are giong to be several people who are say/think. Oh if she loves him and he's willing to work on himself its none of my damn business. But first of all its not fair to the kids, secondally she's working 65 hours a week to pick up his slack. And he's back on coke (yes sadly enough I've seen him do it while I was picking up my neice and nephew (well my fiancee's).[/quote]If this person is back on drugs then it becomes your business since this adversely affects the kids and to be blunt, it affects her too. That kind of behavior can end up being grounds for the state taking her kids from her for endangering their safety and well being.[QUOTE=Drizzt Do'urden]So I guess I need some advice. She's stubborn as a mule and if you start talking about it will just hang up the phone on you. So I need to decide whether to have her family (this is a mutual thing) sort've jump her next time they're all at her mother's house. In front of him if need be.

I've also considered calling the police, I know where he hides his "stash" and I've met a couple of his "customers" and they wouldn't be hard to track down. But then I'm afraid she'll know it was me and I won't be able to see the kids (yes she's the kind of person that uses the fact that she has kids to her advantage) anymore. Or worse she would take it out on my fiancee and not allow her to see the kids either....[/QUOTE]If she's that stubborn, going to the police would be best. If she's willing to use her kids to manipulate the rest of you I doubt she's going to just reasonably take your advice or anyone's to put an end to the destructive relationship she has with her newly found love. If she were so inclined to do so, she would have instead of putting you and her family on the spot by using threats of never letting you see the kids again.[QUOTE=Drizzt Do'urden]To explain that a little more, due to a childhood incident. There is a slim chance my fiancee will ever be able to concieve, so she sort've "adopts" her neices and nephews as her own children (in a metaphorical way). And losing them even for a short period of time (we keep them overnight 3-4 times a week)

So any advice would be appreciated, I know that in the end its not even my decision to make. But if I can have a positive impact on the situation in any way it would mean so much.[/QUOTE]I hate to sound harsh, but which is better, letting those kids go through hell or being more responsible and turning him in? Sure if you say nothing you'll still get to see the kids, but you'll also have to accept that you contributed to the problem by doing nothing. Don't put your own feelings above doing what's best for the kids. Otherwise you're being selfish. Think about this...

How will you feel if something happens to them because nothing was done to get them out of that kind of environment? You'll know that you could have done something and didn't. I've seen firsthand what happens when kids get caught in the crossfire with that kind of crap going on.

It's not pretty and if you think losing the right to see them is bad, it's a thousand times worse to see them get hurt because you could have tried to help and did nothing at all.

Turn him in. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Aaryanna]

[COLOR="Sienna"][FONT="Tahoma"][quote name='Indi][COLOR="Indigo"][FONT="Arial"]Turn him in. [/FONT'][/COLOR][/quote]That's what my advice would be too. You can try to be there for her, but only after you've gotten that idiot away from the kids. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[quote name='Indi'][COLOR="Indigo"][FONT="Arial"]Turn him in. [/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE]

[SIZE="1"]Agreed, this man obviously hasn't reformed at all from his time spent in prison and is now putting four children in danger through his illegal trade.

If worst comes to worst, and I'm hesitent to bring this up you and your fiancee could consider applying for custody of the children by proving her sister is an unfit mother. Evidently she's shown little concern for them and given the amount of care you and your fiancee give to them exceeds hers and would probably be a far, far better environment for them to grow up in. That may be the best way in the end you can care for them. Hopefully after she's cleaned up the kids can be returned but right now you might need to think of the best interests of the children.[/SIZE]

[Drizzt Do'urden]

Thanks so much for everyones help. I know, as most of you pointed out, without knowing somebody it's near impossible to give advice.

I've decided to go ahead and contact the authorities, but I'm going to do so without informing anybody, not even my fiancee. This way if push comes to shove she can't hold too much of a grudge against my fiancee since she didn't have any knowledge of it beforehand.

I'll post on here at a later date and let everyone know how things went.

Again, I can't thank you enough for the advice, I hold the opinions of those here higher than most people I know. That may sound odd since I don't speak to much of you directly, but it's easy to see that kind of people that are regulars on here.

[Rachmaninoff]

[QUOTE=Drizzt Do'urden]I've decided to go ahead and contact the authorities, but I'm going to do so without informing anybody, not even my fiancee. This way if push comes to shove she can't hold too much of a grudge against my fiancee since she didn't have any knowledge of it beforehand.

I'll post on here at a later date and let everyone know how things went.[/QUOTE]That's good to hear that you've decided to turn him in. As hard as it will be, it's the best route to take for those kids. The others already went into detail on that so I'll not repeat that bit.

And yes, do let us know how that works out.