Lady Asphyxia

[font=Verdana][size=1]Please watch your spelling and punctuation. And put a line of space between your paragraphs -- it makes it easier to read. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anway, I think perhaps instead of [i]"Dear Journal todays date is 03/23/1504:",[/i] the following would look better:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]03/23/1594[/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]Dear Journal,[/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]...[/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I find that it seems more natural. I, myself, write in my journal in the same manner as above, and it's the conventional way people write it.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Some of your sentences are extremely long and run on. They can easily be broken into shorter sentences. For example: [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Today I have gotten on the boat to the new town called Synaric[color=red].[/color] [color=red]I[/color]t is a town of Wizards and warriors[color=red].[/color][color=red] I[/color] don't really believe in that stuff but I figure what the heck it can't be that bad there.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]And so one sentence bcomes three shorter, easier to read sentences. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Try to use a different word than 'gotten'. It sounds horrible, and there are so many nicer words to use. Perhaps, "Today I boarded the boat"? From the date, this piece is set in the 1500's. You need to be careful that your story and vocabulary is like that of the time period. If you are speaking from the veiw of a noble, refined lady, try to keep your speech in the same tone. Alternatively, if they're a slave, keep their vocab. as that of a slave. The reader should immediately be able to guess the character's class/station in life by the way they speak. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The short length of the entries don't really pull the reader in, so try to expand it. For instance, describe the boat and it's surroundings. Who were the other people on the boat? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So, that's what I recommend. Try to send the reader into a role, shorten and simplify your sentences, and try to describe the surroundings more, so that the reader can [i]be[/i] there. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Eh. I'm going to ask if you could please put spaces between paragraphs. I find it really hard to read otherwise, because it becomes a big glob of text rather than paragraphs, if that makes sense. I often find that sometimes I simply don't want to read a piece of text if it's in a big clump. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway. It's a good story. I like the slightly frantic, yet at the same time resigned feel that this piece has. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I thought maybe that at the end, he shouldn't complete the word 'you'. Instead perhaps he should say "I love yo-" And leave it there. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, I really like this piece. Well done. ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]There are only three things I find that slow me down when I'm reading this story, and the rest is fine. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The first is sentence structure. Sometime the sentence is consructed very awkwardly. Granted, it doesn't happen very often, but I'll give you two examples.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]However, under the lab was where their real project, RIVAL, an enhanced creature[/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]In the middle of the room, a large tank filled with green water stood[/size][/font][/i] [i][font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font][/i] [size=1][font=Verdana]The first sentence was probably just a mistake, and that's understandable. The second sentence would sound better as [i]In the middle of the room stood a large tank filled with green water.[/i][/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The second thing is that the description sometimes seems to focus only on what they're doing, rather than what they're feeling. This means that the reader can't get into the character's head. To fix this, just add bits and pieces telling us what the mood was -- where they nervous? Why? What did so and so think? -- and it should be a lot better. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The final thing is that your dialogue is always the same. I'll give you an example.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]"Who is she?" He asked.[/size][/font][/i] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]"Countess Delacroix" She snapped.[/size][/font][/i] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]"Speech," how they said it.[/size][/font][/i] [i][font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1]So just try to mix it up a bit. Her voice was terse. [i]"I don't know".[/i] That sort of thing. Change the sentence structure around and just experiment. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, I think it's fine. Well done! ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Do you know, I've been looking for this book for over a year, and I still haven't found it?[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I first heard of it in a conversation that was in this forum, and then I read the prolgue [or part of it] at Amazon, and I've been looking for it since.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Is it good? What's the main plot? Who is the main character? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]If it's good, then I'll probably get around to ordering it from the bookstore.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Well, technically, if it isn't based on an already existing show/book and if it doesn't involve any already existing characters, it isn't a fanfiction. However, I won't tell if you won't. ^.~[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]It isn't really that long, though. I've written much longer before, so don't worry about it, I don't think.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Becareful with tenses.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I see this as a short scene/extract from a story. It doesn't mean that it has to be written, but it is there, which is great.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]A few sentences that could be improved; [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]He did the same with his other hand.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]It sounds very awkward, especially with the feel that comes from the other words. Perhaps you could change it to the following:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana][i]He traced the path with his other hand[/i]. Hrm, that sounds a bit awkward, actually. [i]His other hand repeated the movement[/i], maybe? *frowns* Combine the two, perhaps. [i]His other hand repeated the movement, tracing the path slowly[/i]. Yes, that sounds better.[/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana][i]Dark hazel brown eyes[/i]. I was flooded with adjectives. Try to cut one out. [i]Dark hazel[/i], or [i]hazel brown[/i], or [i]dark brown[/i].[/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana][i]He tightened his grip on her [/i]sounds menacing. Perhaps you could change it to [i]His grip tightened automatically[/i], to make it less so.[/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Instead of [i]She took her left hand[/i], just say, [i]her hand[/i].[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana][i]Moved forward[/i] can become [i]leaned foward[/i]. Moved gives the impression of his feet moving, if that makes sense.[/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The thing I find with this piece is that you [i]over[/i] describe. Instead of telling us what they're doing, let us figure it out. Instead of saying [for example]; She walked to the door, opened it, and walked through into the room, just say, She walked into the room. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I'll show you how I've changed your piece to make it flow smoother.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][quote]There they were, standing in an open meadow, their only light the moon and stars above them. They looked into each other's eyes, never looking away. His hand combed his fingers through her hair, then moved down her cheek, down her neck, and down the side of her breast to her waist. His other hand repeated the movement, tracing the same path slowly.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]She stared into his dark hazel eyes. His grip tightened automatically as he pulled her close. Her left hand [color=black]combed [/color]through his hair. As he leaned close, their eyes never left each other, until finally, he kissed her. Her heart was pounding like a drum. Their lips were like two strangers meeting for the first time. Their tongues caressed each other as they kissed. He pulled away. She was looking at him as if she wanted to say, 'Why did you stop?'. He looked at for the longest time, until with all the breath he had left; and with a choking voice; said the three most beautiful words ever spoken; 'I love you'. Her eyes filled up with tears of joy as she rested her head into his chest. And then, with a choking effort, said the four most beautiful words back, 'I love you too'. He held her very close and would never let her go."[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/quote][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]There. I've changed some phrases and deleted others. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I'm sorry if this review seems long and nitpicky, however, I really liked the feel to this, and the soft, sweet sentiment that was involved, and I really wanted to try to help you improve it, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So very well done! I really like this piece, actually. I think it's great. ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I'll just reply to what you've said and then go on and critique your poem.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][quote name='NashvilleDream]In the context, set is a verb. When you go into the hospital with a broken bone, they have to [i]set [/i']the bone so it will heal straight.[/quote][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]That's true, however, when you read over the poem, the word 'heal' seems to relate to the word 'are', because 'set' relates to the word 'are'. So perhaps you could change 'heal' to 'healed', so that the reader isn't confused.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][quote] The line: Far back in your memories goes with the line above it.[/quote][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I'm going to suggest using punctuation to remove confusion about that. A simply full stop in the right place could fix it quite easily. Rememer; the reader is ignorant -- they know nothing about your poem and how it should be read. The only way they can know is through punctuation, which is why it's a must for any writer. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][quote]I would if I could, believe me, It's jst that, in order to do that, I'd have to pay 10 cents per page to print it out, then take the papers home, bring them to school the next day, stay after and retype it on the computer, save it on a floppy, and check all the words. Complicated ne?[/QUOTE][/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana]Why? Do you only have a computer at school? Why don't you type them and then check them as you go? Correct spelling and grammar are a must here -- and while you seem to have the shorter words [and contractions] down pat, you have trouble with the more descriptive words, i.e. Disappear, [color=black][font=Verdana]guaranty, [color=black][font=Verdana]warranty. Of course, the last two I have trouble with myself, and occasional errors are allowed -- we can't all be perfect, after all.[/font][/color][/font][/color][/font][/size] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]With the poems themselves; lovely feel to it. I thought that was very good. And I disagree with Grey Aurora. You shouldn't sacrifice fluency for a more sophisticated word. Personally, I thought "Disappear" worked wonderfully where it was. It seemed to rhyme with something, but as I went back over the poem, it didn't -- and that is a very cool thing to be able to do. Ying and Yang was very sweet, very simple, and it was a good title, too. So I like that poem, well done. ^_^[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][quote name='Grey Aurora']Yet still far from perfect[/quote].[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]*grins* Who writes for perfection? :p [/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I read the poem, and then I realised I'd read a few lines incorrectly -- and then I thought that perhaps the incorrect lines were better. For instance, instead of [/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]Those whose hearts you hold[/i] [i]Consider if you're really so unloved[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][font=Verdana][/font][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]I read[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]Consider those whose hearts you hold;[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][i]If you're really so unloved[/i] [i]That you need to leave this world.[/i] [/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]And I thought that sounded okay, and brought a really nice rhythm to it.[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]The other thing that jumped out at me was the repetition of [i]hurt[/i] in the last few lines, and the presence of 'you will'. Perhaps if you change [i]you will[/i] into [i]you would[/i]. It seems to make the poem softer.[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]I know how much you hurt[/i] [i]But you have to learn[/i] [i]To live with the pain[/i] [i]Just think of the others you'll hurt[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]Perhaps if you change it to something like the following:[/size][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][font=Verdana][/font][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]I know how much it aches[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]But you have to learn[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][color=black][font=Verdana][i][size=1]To live with the pain.[/size][/i][/font][/color][/font][/color] [color=black][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][i]Just think of the others you'd hurt.[/i][/size][/font][/color][/color][color=black][color=black] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So, yeah. Nice poems, heh. ^_^[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana][b]EDIT -- [/b]*laughs* It's true, he doesn't. Totally clueless, of course. :p The last time he graded me [or close to the last time] I was given a B...or was it a B-? I won $240 dollars for that essay, heh. He knows what he's talking about when he does give you helpful hints, though. Mnemmy's been with me throughout most of my writing 'career'. ^.~[/font][/size][/color][/color]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Do you know, as shameful as it is for me to admit it, [i]America's Next Top Model[/i] is one of the only shows I watch. We get it on our pay TV, and I watch it on Tuesdays mainly to de-stress. [Yes, I am Australian, watching America's Next Top Model.][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]It isn't that I find it particularly amusing that these girls want to be models. I think most of the fun I get in it is seeing the pictures they've made -- some of them turn out absolutely gorgeous, and I wish I could shoot photography like that. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, at the moment my favorite contestant is Shandi. I know she's [i]really[/i] hypocritcal with the whole boyfriend issue, but she strikes me as a basically nice person who is just gaining her self esteem. And that photo that was taken in ...what was the place again? >.< The Italian place...anyway, that photo in the pink dress with the huge hair -- they were right in saying the could be an add just as it was. I could picture the glossy pages of the magazine just by looking at it, and I was pretty impressed with it.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So that's my take at the moment. I watch it mainly as a de-stress thing, but I do enjoy it, even if it is trivial. At least it's somewhat more constructive to the participants lives that something like the mass made "Everyone hook up and then break up so that people all over the world can pretend to share your pain" sort of deal that goes on a lot nowadays.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I found the lack of punctuation really hard to read. It seemed to be one big run-on sentence. If you took it all and got rid of the line-breaks, it would read like this:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]This goddless wanderer is more then you he knows himself before the truth you have faith in an Illusion of death that comes to those who wait he knows to live he must act...etc.[/size][/font][/i] [i][font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1]See how it comes across? Because the reader hasn't written the poem, they can't tell where they have to stop and start a new sentence, which is why you need punctuation. Just thought I'd let you know, heh. ^_^"[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I thought the poem had a really nice rhythm to it. [/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]is more then you he knows himself before the truth[/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]^ Absolutely fabulous lines. I thought they were so good, and rhythmical and flowing. It loses it a bit in the following lines, but every time I re-read those lines I smile, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I don't really understand why it was titled Hypocrite's Dream, but I thought that the poem subject matter was pretty cool. I liked how you priveleged the non-believers. I think it would be great if you had a contrast poem, taken from the side of the believers, and they pity those who don't believe just as those who don't believe pity those who do. It would be very interesting to see the contrasts; the two sides of the fence, if you will. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So yes, a very nice poem. Well done. ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]You know, I think this poem would be better if it were separated and divided. Not just into stanzas -- although that is often helpful too -- but also with punctuation, to give the reader the intonations that you want them to find.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I'm not sure if this is the way that you wanted it to be read, but I'll show you how I read it, and what punctuation would make me read it like that.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [i][size=1][font=Verdana]Someone so oddly delightful[color=red];[/color] Who would have thought[color=red]?[/color] Not my ignorant mind[color=red].[/color][/font][/size][/i] [color=#ff0000][/color] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]It was just a coincidence[color=red],[/color] I told myself[/i][/size][/font][i][size=1][font=Verdana][color=red], [/color]That you came and let yourself in[color=red].[/color][/font][/size][/i] [color=red] [/color][i][size=1][font=Verdana]But the more I thought about it You meant to do it All along[color=red].[/color][/font][/size][/i] [color=red] [/color][font=Verdana][size=1][i]It was peculiar[color=red]; [/color] The way our minds work[/i][/size][/font][i][size=1][font=Verdana][color=red]. [/color]We didn?t even think it through It just happened by chance[color=red].[/color][/font][/size][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]Clear the air Of its obscure course[/i][/size][/font][i][size=1][font=Verdana][color=red]. [/color]Meaning to do so Was not in the deal[/font][/size][/i][i][size=1][font=Verdana][color=red]. [/color]Placing your foot on the road of danger Is not as wise as you may deem[/font][/size][/i][i][size=1][font=Verdana][color=red]. [/color]Its? a risk you?re taking Also a mistake[color=red],[/color][/font][/size][/i] [i][size=1][font=Verdana]Be decent and understanding It will lead you right[color=red].[/color][/font][/size][/i] [i][size=1][font=Verdana]And not into me, whose mind is corrupt Of the evil in this world Which is to be cleansed soon enough[color=red].[/color][/font][/size][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]It breaks me, that you even considered it To be used and drawn into the ruse And where did you end up[/i][/size][/font][i][size=1][font=Verdana][color=red]? [/color]Like me Lost and still wandering[color=red].[/color][/font][/size][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#ff0000][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]Yeah, something like that. Possibly not the stanzas; they were just roughly done, but do you see how adding full stops and question marks and the like can emphasise words/ideas? You don't actually have to use everything -- I was just showing you how I read it, as I said -- but keep it in mind, because it can be very effective.[/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]As for the poem itself, I thought the last 3 lines were great. They bring the piece to a full conclusion, and it links all the thoughts together. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]And there are some really lovely phrases in there; [i]Of it?s obscure course[/i], and [i]used and drawn into the ruse[/i] to name a couple.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I think the other great thing about the poem is the reflective, slightly puzzled feel to it. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So all around, I think it's a great poem. ^_^[/size][/font]

[color=black][font=Century][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]I highly reccomend that you read the novel before trying to decifer what the heck I'm talking about, heh.[/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]As some of you might know, I've recently hit Year 11, which brings me into my final two years at school. I've just done one of my first English assessment pieces -- write a 600-800 word essay on one of 5 topics.[/size][/font][/color][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]All the topics had to do with the novel [u]Looking for Alibrandi[/u], which is by Melina Marchetta, and is one of the most well known Australian novels. The topic [we weren't given questions, just topic areas] I chose was the following:[/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][i]The relationship between Josie and one other character in the novel.[/i][/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]The character was free-choice, and I chose Michael Andretti, Josie's father.[/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]The essay was an exam, so I had to prepare the essay and learn it -- we weren't allowed to take any notes [or our novels] into the exam. This was the prepared copy -- I haven't yet gotten the exam back, so I don't know how I went. [/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]Anway, I figured that I'd kill two birds with one stone [anyone noticed how I like doing that? Poor birds. :p] and also start a discussion on the book. What did you think of the novel? Who was your favorite character? Did you blame Nonna for her actions? What did you think of the ending compared to the movie's ending? How did you feel about Nonno Francesco? Which of Josie's friends did you like most? [And, of course, feel free to discuss the technical merits of the book.][/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [center][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1][b]LOOKING FOR ALIBRANDI[/b][/size][/font][/color][/center] [color=black][/color] [color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]Relationships between Josie and other characters in Marchetta?s [u]Looking for Alibrandi[/u] are critical of our understanding of her search for meaning. A significant relationship is that between Josephine Alibrandi and her estranged father, Michael Andretti.[/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [color=black][/color][font=Verdana][size=1]At the novel?s beginning, Josie sees her father as more of a ?myth? (15) than reality. She finds the idea of actually meeting him ?mindboggling?. This idea is partly due to her mother?s attitude; Christina does not refer to Michael Andretti by name, instead preferring to call him ??[her] father? or ?he??. Josie has ?spent all of [her] life slotting [him] into the furthest part of [her] mind?.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Josie?s ?We don?t need him? (16) attitude towards her father is greatly influence by her readings of the representations of other fathers. The representation of fathers that she has experienced has been those of her friends and family, and she finds the relationship between father and daughter to be lacking. Sera?s father ?thinks she?s the Virgin Mary,? when Sera is the only girl in Josie?s group who had slept with a guy. Lee?s father is an alcoholic. Christina Alibrandi?s father wouldn?t acknowledge her presence. Michael himself is shown as abandoning his pregnant girlfriend. [/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana]At the beginning of [u]Looking for Alibrandi,[/u] Marchetta positions the reader to see fathers negatively. However, [/font][font=Verdana]as Josie?s relationship with Michael develops, the reader is repositioned to see fathers in a more positive light.[/font][/size] [size=1][/size] [size=1][/size][font=Verdana][size=1]When Josie first meets Michael Andretti, she finds that ?every image [she] had of [her] father flew out of the window.? (38) He wasn?t tall, good-looking, or a weakling. Her image of Michael Andretti as a ?myth? who she will never meet is destroyed when she sees ?an obvious resemblance.? (39) Their second meeting at a family barbecue is initially less pleasant, however, it serves to leave Josie with the realisation the he is not just a villain who left Josie and her mother to fend for themselves, but a human who has human weaknesses and emotions. Her father becomes very real to her, even if he is still not present in her life. Michael himself thinks that even if he wanted to be a father to Josie, it was too late for him to do so. He retains the opinion that Josie is too old to need a father. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The main turning point for Josie and Michael occurs when Josie hits Carly in the nose with her textbook. Carly?s father threatens to sue, and Josie panics, calling her father and leaving a message for him. ?Nobody [is] more surprised than? (85) Josie when he walks in. [color=black]Carly?s father is a representation of a privileged discourse and yet he does not intimidate Michael Andretti, which allows Josie to draw strength from him and become more confident. [/color]Josephine?s father handles the situation with ease, while Josie is still surprised that, despite saying he didn?t owe her, Michael Andretti had ?come through?. Josie?s changing of opinion towards her father is evident in the pride she feels when they walk through the school together:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?I walked past my class-mates with Michael Andretti beside me and for a few minutes I knew how it felt to walk alongside one?s father."[/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=1] (90)[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Their next encounter occurs after Josie and Jacob?s 10 minute date. Josie finds the situation ?weird? (126). On the one hand, she?s finally met her father, and she is getting along very well with him. On the other hand, she hasn?t yet forgiven him for not being there during her childhood. Still, Josie ?quite [enjoys] talking to Michael Andretti.? She finds him to be ?a great listener?, and the two have ?plenty to say.? When they ?[forget] ?that biologically he [is her] father,? they can be friends. This scene is crucial to the formation of a friendship between Josie and Michael. Josie likes that she ?[can] make him laugh? (127). She finds him to be ?honest and not a hypocrite? (153), and realises it?s ?stupid to hate someone for something they did eighteen years ago?.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Josie?s holiday in Adelaide with Michael further allows their relationship to develop and Josie ?[falls] in love with the idea of [Michael] being [her] father.? [/size][/font] [color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]When she returns, she realises that she no longer cares about what people think of her. She has learnt to accept her heritage ? both Australian and Italian ? and she no longer worries about the circumstances surrounding her birth. This is partly as a result of her growing relationship with Michael Andretti. Because Michael represents a successful man from an Italian culture who still lives with the traditions associated with it and at the same time demonstrates success in the world of money and prestige, he assists her to accept her traditional roots and believe in herself. [/size][/font][/color] [color=black][/color] [color=black][/color][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]Jose and Michael?s relationship is strengthened further by the death of John Barton. Until this point, Michael was more a friend than a father. The climax represents Josie as vulnerable and in need of a father figure. Michael is represented as a loving, tender man who gives Josie the strength she needs. She clings to him like a child, and he comforts her with the truth as he sees it, not sugar coating the truth or lying to her.[/font][/color][color=#339966][/color][/size] [size=1][color=#339966][/color][/size] [size=1][color=#339966][/color][/size][font=Verdana][size=1]Michael Alibrandi represents a hero type father figure throughout the novel, and the reader is positioned to see him as a strong, caring, sensitive and clever male role model. Marchetta repositions the reader to believe that fathers like Michael Alibrandi are important to a young person?s development. ?Seventeen year olds don?t need fathers.?[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?For gods? sake, Michael, I?m thirty-four and I still need my father.?[/size][/font][/font][/color][font=Century][font=Verdana][size=1].?[/size][/font][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I'm sorry, but I [i]really [/i]don't believe in scoring literary works. I hate the practice, quite frankly, because it relys so largely on your opinion. I may not like something, but I am able to see its merit, and scoring just seems so...impersonal. It's like saying "Your hope and joy is only worth half of this other person's hope and joy." if you know what I mean. Writing is often so personal that I find it a horrible practice to judge it so clinically. I just wanted to explain my reasons for not scoring/rating your work.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]As for the story itself...first of all, it isn't really a story -- no narration [[i]i.e. Joey walked through the door and sat in his chair][/i]. The reader doesn't know who Joey is, and as such cannot connect with the main writer, or the hate that is involved.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The description of the death leaves nothing to the imagination, which makes it so much less creepy or disturbing, and because the reader doesn't know what's going on -- [i]why[/i] this person wants to hurt them, who this person is, who Joey is, etc -- the descriptions just get...silly. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The reader won't really care about what happens to the character unless they care about the character, and the only way to do that is to draw them in. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]That isn't to say that you don't have some potential. The descriptions of deaht were certainly imaginative. So perhaps you could turn that imagination to the settings and characters involved so that the reader is drawn into the story. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I'd like to help [and watch] you improve as you get stronger with your writing, and learn to focus that imagination into something other than death and maiming, heh. Because you do have a great imagination. ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Well, thank you for the education offer, heh. Most of us read as much as we have time to -- I know that lately I'm far behind in all the books I want to read -- so we welcome suggestions and encouragement.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1] I'm perfectly happy to let this continue and may even join myself, however, might I suggest that you allow anyone in at any time -- in case people find this after it's started -- and that the reading of chapters extends to over a few days. I myself know that I can't read much on the internet because it hurts my eyes. And I don't always have time for an indepth discussion each day. So perhaps if it extends a few days, to allow for the total chaos people's lives can become? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I will sign up here, although my time-allowances may change, as I'm nearing the end of term here and have many exams and/or assignments. So, yes, this is a good idea, and once we finish this book, perhaps we could even extend it to continue to other books...if people are still interested.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Much better, Fire Phoenix. Just remember to keep it up. ^.~ [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]As for the Poetry, I [i]loved [/i] [b]Song In The Silence[/b]. It had a lovely feel, with a great description to it. The rhyme scheme was perfect, with just enough edge to make it seem original. The rhythm was good, and it was all around a good, solid poem.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The only problem I had with it was this paragraph: [/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana][i]Sound returns as the presence retreats The wings once again beat The noises return, but not to their full brink They know not what to think;[/i] [/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1]The third line really hurt the rhythm of the poem, and you'd need to reword it to something else for it to flow properly. *scratches her head* I'm not sure what you'd change it to, though. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I hope that helped some. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]The thing is, it's the Battle Arena. There is no great depth to the characters. Yes, the type of person they are defines how they fight -- they might be more passive and defensive than agressive, etc. -- but a life's history is not necessary. And that is what's been cropping up in the Battle Arena.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The Battle Arena is designed for short, quick spars. Sparring, not RPGs. For me, even in the RPG forum, 13 pages seems a bit excessive. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The way I see it, a bio in the Battle Arena [keeping in mind this is for sparring -- no plot development, little to no character development, just basic fighting] should be clear, and most definately [i]conscise[/i]. The spar won't last forever. 30 posts is often a set limit, but spars rarely get to that amount anyway. Why have a huge bio for a 30 post fight? The bio is just to provide the bare facts -- name, age, description, weapons [both physical and magical] -- the sort of things that the other sparrer will need to be able to write your character. And that's it. At least, that's the angle I'm coming from. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]As for those huge bios that get shut down anyway, I just think you should save it for when you enter into an RPG. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]And lately it seems to be becoming almost a competition as to who can come up with the biggest bio, rather than "Here, let's fight." The long bio posters also take it upon themselves to tell the rest of the forum how horrible they are at sparring because their posts aren't long. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][quote][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Actually, everyone's here is entirely to short and all but worthless. And you say people need 1/4 of what I'm giving them to fight, well thats because most the people here aren't any good.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/quote][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Which is just ridiculous. As we've oft heard, the aim of OB is Quality, not Quantity.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]However, I will be one of the first ones to agree that those replying that the posts are too long should refrain.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So that's my view on the situation.[/size][/font]

[size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]Now, before I start my critique, I have a confession to make; I didn't read it all. Which sounds so horrible, I know, but I'm just so pressed for time at the moment. I have 500 words to write on mood for Drama, a 15 page Accounting Assignment to do, and 800 words to learn by Monday for my English Novel Exam. I shouldn't really be on here, but I doubt I'll get a chance for the rest of the weekend, so I wanted to post in your thread while I could, heh. ^_^"[/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]First thing; roomous isn't a word. Roominess is. Lungable isn't. Vacuumous isn't. While some linguists may argue that as soon as it's made up it's a word, as long as people get what you mean [like Impressionist art, I suppose. You get the impression of what it is.] I personally think it's a bigger challenge to use words that aren't made up. I prefer to stick with real words, because people can get confused with words that...aren't.[/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]The speed of the poem is quite fast, like a gasping for breath, running, fear sort of deal, which is cool. With my short reading, I didn't really understand what it was about, heh. [/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]I really liked the first verse, except for the aren't words. I thought they had a great flow and rhythm, and I can see that carried on throughout the poem. [/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][size=1][color=black][font=Verdana]I think, however, just from looking at the line structures at the end, that you sort of lost the flow and rhythm a bit, so you could possibly tighten that up to flow better with the rest of the poem.[/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size] [size=1][color=black][font=Verdana][/font][/color][/size][color=black][font=Verdana][size=1]But from what I've read, it was quite good. ^_^ Well done.[/size][/font][/color]

[font=Verdana][size=1]*smiles and looks at her hands* I thought the piece was lovely, and I could definately connect with it, heh. *currently has ink all over her hands from a drawing she was doodling during English*[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I thought the piece was reminiscient, definately, and wistful, too. It had a [i]lovely[/i] feeling to it. Just magic. You always write so beautifully, and it flows so well. Another gorgeous piece, and I daresay this will be continued? Please? I really wish to see it finished.[/size][/font]

[quote name='Godelsensei][color=gray][font=Courier New]It was written in the way whipped cream is made: to be light, enjoyable in any circumstance, and to make you keep wanting [i]more[/i].[/font'][/color][/quote] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]You know, too much whipped cream makes you sick. :p [/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But yeah, I did enjoy the book. I thought the way Adams [who is dead now, unless I'm mistaken?] related it to life on Earth was lovely. And Arthur squelching in the mud was what first drew me in. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Zaphod was a lovely character, and the woman [can't remember her name!] was cool, too, heh. ^_^" I'll have to re-read it sometime, I think, just so I can remember exactly what I'm talking about. All I can remember at the moment are scenes.[/size][/font]

[size=1][font=Verdana][color=black]Most of this thread is pretty much spam. However, as this is a poetry thread [with actual poetry in it], I'm hesitant to close it at this point in time. However, please read the thread on [url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=37710"][b]Constructive Criticism[/b][/url][/color][color=#000080][color=black] If it isn't Constructive, don't post it. And Callmegoddess, the [url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=27614"][/color][color=black][b]Forum Rules[/b][/url] that Sara has set down clearly state that off topic posts should be kept to PMs and IMs. Off topic in this case means not relating to your poetry. I'm giving you guys a warning here. I'll leave this thread open for now, but if the spam continues it will be closed.[/color][/color][/font][/size] [color=#000080] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]As to the poem;[/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]It had a nice sentiment to it, however, the rhymes were often obvious: touch/much, things/rings and so on. It didn't really hold much of a story to it, though. Perhaps if you have a character to focus on it would give a better story. You could probably tighten it up, but I believe that would probably come with a main character to focus on. [/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]The earth and nature are really hard things to write about, and I commend you for your efforts.I thought the feel to the poem was lovely. Please, continue.[/color][/size][/font] [/color]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I've only read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, not the continuing stories, and while I enjoyed it, I don't particularly want to read any more. Now, before I get completely attacked by die-hard Douglas Adams fans [or fan girls, heh], let me explain why.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]First of all, while it was to some extent funny, I prefer my humour to be less random and more...well placed, less obvious, and rather sarcastic, heh. Reading Hitchhiker's Guide made me feel very scattered at the end. I enjoyed it, definately, but it was [i]very[/i] light reading for me at least, and I couldn't deal with more light reading like that. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I'm also not much of a fan for Sci-Fi. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So while I did have fun reading it, I'm not sure that I'll read anymore of the books in the series.[/size] [/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Not a bad story, really. I think in your effort to be mysterious you occasionally left the reader feeling...like they weren't part of the story, if that makes sense. There were some really good parts where one was drawn into the story, and then that feeling was lost because the reader didn't know what was happening. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The only other thing that got to me was that I felt in parts the you were almost -- [i]almost[/i] -- godmodding your character. Your character's a vampire, which is fine. But then they can change into a hawk, can move big things with their mind and so on. The character needs a weakness, if that makes sense. There has to be something that they can't to -- something [i]big[/i]. That usually where the story comes in; the character is faced with a challenge. The problem is, they don't know how to beat it. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]By the way...what gender was the vampire?[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, all around, it was a pretty good story. You started building tension -- for instance Eritus' appearance certainly made me sit back and wonder who he was and why the character didn't like him. Later on, you can explain more fully what happened, and draw the reader into the story and make us more sympathetic towards your character, which in turn makes the character more 3-D, which is always a good thing. Even when the character is brilliant, 3-D (metaphorically, of course, heh.) is very good.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So well done, and keep writing![/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Coffeee night, hey? :p We don't have that at our school. I wish we did, although seeing as I can only appreciate poetry, and I cannot write it, it would be slightly silly for me to enter it, anyway.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, onto the poem. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]There's a nice rhyme scheme to it -- very subtle, but it edges the poem along. The rhythm came out quite fast (at least the way I read the poem). It slowed a bit in the last stanza, which was probably caused by the change in rhyme. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]It's a realy nice poem with a great flow and lovely last line. Well done. ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Oh, lovely piece of writing. The interjections in italics -- inner monologue? -- first seemed to be a song to me, which was cool. It was even cooler when I realised that it wasn't a song, that the main character was just replying to himself. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I thought the last paragraph was exceptionally good; [font=Tahoma][size=2][font=Verdana][size=1][i]My mind--I think I wrecked it. Wrecked like I wrecked my first[/i] [i]car. Or was that a dream? I can't remember.[/i] I really liked that bit. It was very honest, with the slightly confused monologue of someone who isn't quite sure[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]of their sanity and the reliability of their thoughts.[/size][/font][/size][/font][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]This piece has a very furtive sort of feel to it. Like the idea of someone not being sure of their footing, so they put their foot down and lean on it, then decide against treading there and take their weight off it...it has an indecisiveness and a [i]should I, should I not?[/i] sort of feel, which is very real. Most people suffer from indecisiveness at some point of their lives.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, the piece is very good, really. My only complain would be that I don't really know who the characters he's talking about are. To fix that, you'd probably have to interrupt his monologue or something, which isn't a good idea, heh, seeing as that's rather beautifully done. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Put basically, Mitch, I agree with you. However, if you do wish to discuss this any further with me, please PM me. We've gotten extremely off topic. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The last story I discontinued because it was absolutely horrid. On re-reading it, I realised how flat the characters were -- they weren't real, or didn't even seem real. The person was forced, because I had made myself write through writer's block. So I decided that I'd sit down and wait. If somehting got written over the weekend, I'd submit it. If not, then too bad. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I wrote this next attempt on the Saturday, and this felt much more honest to me -- a feeling that I believe has always been a strong point in my writing; the fact that what I write -- though false, usually -- is based in honesty. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I didn't complete the story, though, because I got bored. I had no where to go and I wasn't sure where I could move within the 1,500 words I'd been given. So I started again, heh. And the piece after this one was my entry.[/size][/font] [center][b][font=Verdana][size=1]_____________________[/size][/font][/b][/center] [center][b][font=Verdana][size=1][u]C Flat (Revised)[/u][/size][/font][/b][/center] [size=1][font=Verdana]When it comes to the arts ? that is, drama, music, and visual art ? I have always been a drama student. I love drama, I always have. It?s a family legend (or, more aptly, joke) that I was a drama queen as soon as I learnt to walk and talk at the same time. It wasn?t until Year Three that I cemented that belief by taking up Drama lessons, but after that my liking blossomed into pure love. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana]My imagination has always loved the dramatic element. A phrase, an expression, a gesture...as long as it drew the audience into the play, I would use it. I didn?t mind if it was melodramatic, or if it was underplayed. I loved watching the expressions on the faces of the audience as they became wrapped up in the story that my fellow cast and I were weaving. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana]My interest in the dramatic arts was such that I never fully explored or understood other art forms. The Visual Arts were a mystery to me; I?d taken it as a compulsory subject in Year Eight drama and succeeded only in getting paint all over my school uniform. Music had it?s appeal, but it never seemed to shine like the bright lights that beckoned me to the stage. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana]So when the music teacher announced that, because our teacher was ill, the drama class was to combine with the music class for the day, I accepted the situation with a mixture of feelings. The first was disappointment because I wouldn?t have drama today. The second was interest; I could experience another art form. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana]As we filed into the classroom, I looked around with curiosity. The room seemed to be divided into to parts; classroom and performing area. There was a piano near the wall, and a large bookcase packed with booklets about music. Next to it, there was a smaller bookcase, containing textbooks on music and instruments. Shelves ran the length of one wall, brimming with instruments. Afraid to touch anything, I just stood there, taking in the atmosphere. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana]The music class was energetic. They talked and laughed and joked around. There were plunks from a corner of the room, where a boy with curly brown hair sat tuning his cello. Next to him was a girl with short auburn hair that flicked out at th[/font][/size][size=1][font=Verdana]e back. She was fiddling with a violin. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana]The music teacher pursed her lips at us, looking thoughtful. ?If you study the theory half of the lesson with my class, I can let you do drama prac. the other half.? [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana]For some reason, ?theory? in drama isn?t writing or theory it all; it?s practicing for the next assessment piece you have, which is usually a play. ?Prac? isn?t practicing, either. It?s theatre games and sports that are meant to lower inhibitions and create a strong working bond with each other. Most days I prefer theory, beca[/font][/size][size=1][font=Verdana]use it?s set in what happens. Prac is often synonymous with chaos. [/font][/size] [font='Times New Roman'][font=Verdana][size=1]?Theory? in music, however, is actually theory. For about fifteen minutes, the class studied notes and scales. I haven?t ever studied an instrument, so I only know the notes by counting and using the age old ?F.A.C.E.? for the space notes, and ?All Good Boys Deserve Fruit,? for the line notes. Most of the drama class sat and watched, not having a clue what the teacher was talking about. [/size][/font][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I haven't actually read Huck Finn, so I really can't say whether or not it's unacceptable, but I find that in most cases like these, banning the book is just silly.It's denying a part of history, which is just ridiculous.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So I'm not really in favour of banning books. Even if something is controversial -- which Huck Finn wasn't meant to be, I think? It wasn't written just so that people could talk about racism, anyway. -- everyone is entitled to their own opinion.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So I stand on the side of the future generations. Even though I don't belong to America, our kids still need to know what happened, why, and why we shouldn't treat people badly -- and that is one of those reasons..[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Mitch, believe me, you are [i]welcome[/i] to critique any of my stuff whenever I post it, unless I have a huge disclaimer at the top saying "[b]Don't criticise this[/b]", heh. ^.~ However, I was trying to warn you that some people aren't always as happy to hear the honest truth, especially if it comes out as discouraging. Because we aren't all confident in our abilities as a writer or a poet, and so negative things can sometimes hit very hard without the reviewer realising it. As for me, I don't mind. Some people may, however.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]I didn't really take much that you said personally. A few things came across as personal, but as you said, the written word is so much harder to convey tone with. I myself may have come across harsher than I intended.[/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I usually try not to think of opinons as 'right' or 'wrong'. A very, very wise and good friend of mine said "The only way to enlightenment is by sharing contradicting opinions, really." And I can fully understand your opinions. If I don't agree with someone's opinions, that's my problem to deal with, heh.[/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]What I meant by my whole tangent on writer's block was that most of the time, writers who say they have writer's block just need to space it out a bit; write more of something else. Then come back to what they're writing and it'll work.[/color][/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]I agree completely, heh. Like I said, it's one of the methods I use when I end up with writer's block. Sometimes you need to let things lie for a while before tackling them again.[/color][/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]I wasn't talking about deleting whole blocks of text. I wasn't talking about just trashing older stories because they're lame.[/color][/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]That part of my post wasn't really referring to you, sorry. I was speaking in general. I've met quite a few people who have deleted their first stories because they were bad, and I honestly think it's a horrible idea. It's like deleting your past, in my opinion.[/color] [/size][/font][i][font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]And you don't recommend deleting whole blocks of text? What about a second draft, third draft, et cetera? [img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif[/img][/color][/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]The problem I have with deleting text is that I often find the paragraphs and chunks coming back to me subconsciously, and I write them into another story -- and I then have to edit them out of that story. So I keep my deleted blocks in a file named 'discards', and if, when I'm writing, something sounds familiar, I'll check it to see if I'm writing the same thing. It's worked before, for me. [/color] [/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1][color=red]It's not terrible that you made a few mistakes in the story. I make mistakes all the time. It's human Kat. It's something to work on. It's not like you're a terrible writer just because you made a few mistakes and I showed them.[/color][/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]Heh. I was just saying that it was a first draft. I wouldn't have bothered checking for the mistakes yet.[/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=red][i]And it's how someone says something that can make it sound completely different to you. Can make it seem what they didn't intend.[/i][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]*grins* As my english teacher would say, there's the intended reading, and the actual reading. And sometimes, they don't always match.[/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I think we can consign anything non-writer's block-related to the PM box, before we get really off topic.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, onto the next attempt. This piece was the low point in the entire thing. I got to this point, re-read what I'd written, and burst out crying, heh. You guys read it and see why. We'll see if our estimations of the story differ much.[/size][/font] [center][font=Verdana][size=1]_________________________[/size][/font][/center] [center][b][u][font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]C Flat[/size][/font][/font][/u][/b] [/center] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]?Can anyone tell me why a C Flat is considered odd?? [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]The class groans as our music teacher fires off another question. It?s the last period of the week, and it?s a hot summer?s day; you?d think that she?d give us a break to clear our heads. The heat has made us drowsy and lethargic. This summer has brought the kind of heat that makes your hair curl, and while we might be used to it, we still can?t deal with it.[/size][/font][/font] [color=black][font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]?The term ?C Flat? is an anomaly, because it is actually the enharmonic equivalent of B natural.? I repeat the definition that has been drilled into me since I took up violin, and, later, piano.[/size][/font][/font][/color] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]?Very good, Maxine,? the teacher replies, then continues on with her lesson. I tune her out, once again returning to dreaming up characters for my stories. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]I, Maxine Chandler, am a C Flat. I?m not quite normal, rarely used, and often misinterpreted by other people. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]My parents, young and foolish, and without a decent income to support themselves, had a child, not realising that the reality of parenthood was much less realistic than the reality. Our family stayed together long enough for my brother to be born. After that, Charlotte and Jack, my parents, realised exactly what their mistake was, and did probably the best thing they could for us: they allowed my grandparents to adopt us.[/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]When I tell people that, they think that I must harbour a lot of anger and resentment for my parents, but I don?t really. They were very young, and didn?t know any better. I sometimes think that my parents just weren?t supposed to be parents. I rarely think of them as that, too. They?re more like an adorable aunt and uncle who call by every few months.[/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]So my brother and I live with our grandparents. They?re quite strict, and very firm, but they?re fair, and they?re sweet, and they love us dearly. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]I?ve been playing violin since Year Three, when I first picked up the instrument during our weekly music class. I fell in love with its sound. It resonates through the room, smooth and mellow like a warm winter?s day.[/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]I respect my teachers, and I love my classes. I don?t get annoyed with people very easily, and I try to participate, even if it?s just to put the teacher at ease. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]However, all these factors combined seem to make me somehow different from the other students my age. She got on well with most people, but never seemed to get close ? or have much in common with ? anyone. It could be to do with the lack of patience I have for people my age. Most of the time, all they do is complain about things that don?t even matter, and misinterpret everything a teacher or parent says.[/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]The bell rings. I don?t bother to go back to the lockers. Dragging my bag behind me, I wonder if the teachers just got sick of us and decided they?d pile on the homework so that we?d have to stay home because of severe back pains caused from carrying our bags.[/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]The school bus is overcrowded, but mine is the first stop on the way home. All around me, people are chattering about the upcoming dance, or the homework that has been set. The bus shudders to a stop in front of my house, and I step off, dragging her bag behind her. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]My house is the kind of place that I used to dream about. The front of the house is hidden from view by the tangle of mulberry trees and tall hedges that someone planted years ago. Once you get inside the yard, everything blooms into colour. There are flowers all over the place; in hanging baskets, in flowerbeds, in pots and even in an old shoe that we found over the summer holidays. The house itself is painted lemon yellow, with green trimmings, and a red roof. It looks old ? it hasn?t really aged very well ? but I love it all the same. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]My grandparents come out of the house to welcome me. It?s a foolish and slightly embarrassing tradition, but I don?t really mind. Grandma Morgan?s face is wrinkled into a smile that reaches for ear to ear. Her hair is wisp thin and curled into ringlets. She has plump cheeks and a gorgeous smile, and she cooks the best food this side of Australia.[/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]Grandpa Perce is wearing his old cap, his face red and sweaty. He?s obviously been out tending to the garden, but he doesn?t look winded or puffed. My grandparents are in great health. I like to think that they?ll live forever. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]James is already home; he comes tearing out of the house as if there?s a dog on his heels. I grin at him. He?s just turned nine, and tends to get overexcited for no reason. His hair is mussed and his tie has disappeared to the mysterious realms of the washing basket. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]When he doesn?t smile back, I know something?s wrong. ?What did you do?? I ask in my most threatening tone of voice. He doesn?t seem too scared, just sorry. I guess intimidation doesn?t work when your face looks like a pixie and your nose is upturned just enough to make you look like you?re six years old. [/size][/font][/font] [font='Book Antiqua'][font=Verdana][size=1]?I broke your E string.? He holds out the string. [/size][/font][/font]