Lady Asphyxia

[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, well...I have to agree with what has already been said. First of all, self insertion is [i]not[/i] conducive to good writing. When one does write self-insertion, one's ego gets in one's way mightily. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Secondly, in anything written, random isn't funny. Random is [i]possibly[/i] funny when you're standing around with your friends, but not when it's written. For some reaosn people seem to think that humour/comedy=random...but that's not the case. I'd much rather a story that has ties to what's been going on in the story. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So...yes. I don't particularly like this one much. You can do [and have done, if my memory serves me] much better, heh. ^_^"[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]To be [i]strictly[/i] honest...I haven't read any book published by Neil Gaiman. I do, however, regularly read his blog, which you can find [url=http://www.neilgaiman.com/journal/journal.asp]here[/url]. I stumbled across it one day. I'd been reading a blog by an editor, who was talking about the way writers take rejection [very badly, was the basic sentiment, heh.] and somewhere along the line I managed to click myself to his site.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]From reading his blog, I have to say he seems to be a very funny, down to earth guy, which I hope spills over into his writing. What genre does he write, do you know?[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]*grins* Is this the first recent thread of yours that I've reviewed? If so, heh, then welcome back. If not, then I've probably already said that. ^_^"[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, I think the poem is quite good. The only trouble I have with it at the moment is the ending. The first five stanzas are great, and I really like them, but then the poem sort of takes a turn for the...more depressing, which isn't really needed. In my opinion, it could be made better by, instead of dwelling on what isn't there...talk about what could be there, and then in the last line [or two] say something to the effect of "But it isn't now", or something. So that, instead of a self-pity feeling that the reader gets, it becomes more a statement, which is so much more powerful.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, I think the poem is great! ^__^[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Please remember to keep up your post quality. ^.~[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, not bad. I think perhaps it would be more effective if you shortened your paragraphs into lines. (So instead of cant [i]think,cant breath,cant see, cant touch,[/i] it becomes:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't think[/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't breathe[/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't see[/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]Can't touch[/i]) That way, when read out loud, it sounds more..desperate. And it looks better, because later in the poem you break into that setout anyway.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The poem itself is almost too short to fully express the emotions. Perhaps extending it, and delving into the emotions and the poem would be a good idea. You need to fully devlop the idea, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But not bad, heh. It just needs some work to live up to the idea...if that makes any sense. ^_^" [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Guys, please take note that 1 line posts that basically say "I like it, very good", or "It's very pretty" [i]aren't[/i] allowed. To quote [url=http://otakuboards.com/forumdisplay.php?f=57][b]The Constructive Criticism Thread[/b][/url]:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i]Posts will either be deleted or edited with a warning about post quality. Of course, post quality applies here as much as it does elsewhere on the boards. When you are talking about someone's work, try to explain why you feel a certain way about it. Talk about what you like or what you don't like...but don't simply say "I like it" or "I don't like it", or ?I wish I could write like that.? Discuss the reasoning behind your thoughts.[/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]If the quality of this thread doesn't improve, I'm going to have to close it.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]*laughs* Just gorgeous, Charlie. I love the way you managed to actually come up with something regarding ABA CAB B. I don't actually know what it does, lol, but I'm sure it's helpful.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I really like the subtly irony and the humour that's very evident within the poem. And, of course, the rhythm was great -- almost song-like? And I really like the reference to the older and newer versions, heh. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Well done, Charlie ol' boy. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][And great job actually getting it the poem to work, lol!][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Flameswordsgirl, you are not allowed to resurrect threads 6 months after the last post. Mitch already warned people in this thread and you should have taken heed of that warning. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Because of the amount of spam within this thread and the fact that it keeps getting resurrected, I'm going to close this thread.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Seeing as I actually have an assignment I'm supposed to be doing, I'll take a quick [in depth] look at a paragraphs from your Prologue to see what I can find, then tell you generally what you can improve. Normally I'd do both chapters, but unfortunately, I really do have to do this assignment. [/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana]There are five kingdoms on the world of Terra Nova[color=red].[/color] the first [color=red][Don't say the first. I honestly read it and thought it was the original kingdom, and then got completely confused when it's the newest.] O[/color]f these kingdoms, the kingdom of Onin, [color=red]is [/color][color=red][watch your tense][/color] a very new kingdom, established in the last 250 years[color=red].[Sentence gets too long.][/color] a kingdom that many people have joined, it concentrates it's self on the old ways of life, they are relatively peaceful, and enjoy a quiet life. [color=red][That last sentence sounds a bit messy. Perhaps it could be changed to: Popular for it's tradition-centric ways of life, the people of Onin enjoy a peaceful and quiet life...or something like that, heh.][/color][/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#ff0000][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The first thing I've come across is this: [i]Lots [/i]of repetition. I'm not just talking about the "The first kingdom" parts, but also the way the explanation of the kingdoms is written. They all follow the same pattern.Now, a while ago, repetition was great. It was an effective way of getting your point across. However, now, readers don't really like much repetition in the story, because it gets boring. I suppose it's a reflection of civilization today; 15 minute attention span, or, in a writer's case -- 3 paragraphs. For me, I can read 3 paragraphs and know if I'll like the book or not. If there's repetition within 3 paragraphs, chances are I won't continue the book, heh. So to fix the repetition, re-arrange your sentences so that they're different. Maybe you could get rid of the "The __ Kingdom" altogether.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]*sighs* I wish I'd gotten a chance to be more in depth about this. I'll come back and have a look when I have time. It seems like it has a lot of potential, so I would like you to continue writing it, heh.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][b]I was talking with Arcadia, and I realised that I'd never actually posted my competition entry, after all that. So I thought I'd do that now.[/b][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [center][font=Verdana][size=1]______________________________[/size][/font] [/center] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][b]Flat C[/b][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Jackie Bennett squinted through the pouring rain, trying to gain her bearings. After a few seconds, her shoulders ? already hunched to try to protect herself from the downpour ? slumped even further. It was no use. She might as well admit it. She was lost. She was sure that her house was just around the corner, but with the sudden rainstorm, she had absolutely no clue where that corner would be. In fact, Jackie doubted she?d be able to see anything more than four feet in front of her face. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Jackie looked around, her face scrunching as she tried to breathe through the rain streaming down her face. It had started less than a minute ago, and already she was soaked. Her hair plastered to her face, the long blonde locks straggly and dripping. Her comfortable jeans and sweatshirt now clung to her ever so uncomfortably, the denim weighing down her legs. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]At sixteen, Jackie possessed a responsible nature and maturity well beyond her years. She was practical above all things, and her only vanities were her hair and her intelligence. Neither of which could help her if she couldn?t see where she was going. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Sighing, she let her hands drop and pulled them into the sleeve of her sweatshirt in the futile hope of keeping them warm. A crack of fork lightening flashed overhead, and Jackie realized she needed to get inside, fast. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The question was, of course,[i] where [/i]to go? She stood for a few seconds more, the problem ticking over in her mind. The rain let up for a second, and Jackie realized she was facing the opposite direction of where she had been going. However, her house was still a fifteen minute walk away, and there was no way she was going to attempt that until the rain let up. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Mr. Stuart?s hot pink house was just across the street. It shone like a beacon in the pouring rain. She couldn?t go there, though. Mr. Stuart was a crotchety old man with bad hearing and an even worse temper. An idea teased in her mind. There was an apartment block two doors down from Mr. Stuart?s house, and Flat C had been deserted for as long as she or anyone could remember. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Almost running, Jackie made her way into the apartment block, noting that the doorman had also retreated inside. He was a young guy, probably making his way through University by opening the door for strangers and not asking questions. Smiling her thanks, Jackie walked past him, at the same time trying to scrape her hair off her forehead and out of her eyes. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]She plodded up the stairs, the denim sticking uncomfortably to her legs. She felt straggly and bedraggled. It was probably how she looked, too, she thought. [/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana]Every kid in the neighbourhood knew the secret of getting into Flat C; the door was a trick door. You tapped hard on the paneling near the door three times, and then at the lock twice. No one knew who found out originally, but they were all equally impressed with it. After all, not many people could be so...devious. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana][/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana][/font][/size][font=Verdana][size=1]The door swung open, and Jackie grinned her relief. She?d be safe in here, for a while at least. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]It was odd, though. The room didn?t look uninhabited at all. In fact, if she hadn?t known better, she?d have sworn that someone was living in the flat now. The carpet was clean, as if it had been washed just a day ago, and the room had the little knick-knacks and up kept feel that lived-in houses had. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Perhaps someone had moved in word hadn?t gotten around yet?[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?Hello?? Jackie called out cautiously. For all she knew, it could be an axe murderer, or worse, a Mr. Stuart clone. [/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana]A woman bustled out of the kitchen, her lined face creased into a smile. ?Come in, come in!? She called. ?I?ve just poured some Ouzo, if you would like it?? The woman?s speech was slightly accented. To Jackie?s uncultured ears, it sounded slightly Italian. That didn?t say much, though. From what she knew, the old lady could be Greek. [/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana][/font][/size] [size=1][font=Verdana][/font][/size][font=Verdana][size=1]Cautiously, Jackie asked, ?Ouzo?? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The woman nodded. ?It is one of the traditional Greek drinks.? Jackie looked closer at the woman?s clothing. She was wearing the traditional black garb of an old Greek woman, including a shawl and scarf. Jackie could understand why; her drenched clothes were freezing. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?May I ask what?s in it?? Being as polite as possible, Jackie tried not to give anything away. The woman didn?t know yet that Jackie wasn?t here to see her, and Jackie wanted to keep that situation. She wasn?t about to let the woman know that she?d intended on breaking and entering to keep herself out of the rain. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?It is aniseed liquor, wit coffee beans.? The barest trace of her accent sounded in the sentence. When Jackie paused, the woman?s face fell. She shuffled out of sight and returned with a towel. ?But you would not like the Greek drinks. You are young. You should not be drinking alcoholic drinks. I can get you some water, if you would like it.?[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Jackie hated the taste of water, and she didn?t want to disappoint the lady. ?Ouzo is fine, thank you, but just a little.? She wrapped the towel around herself, trying not to let the cold get to her. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The woman beamed again, and went to the kitchen. Jackie hurried to follow her, worried about the woman?s health. She seemed to be old and, well, old-fashioned, like she should be taken care of. Jackie took the tray, carrying it carefully into the living room, trying to keep the towel on her shoulders at the same time. She managed the feat, just. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The woman directed Jackie to sit in a lounge chair, and Jackie did so gratefully, feeling her clothes squelch. The lady seated herself, then asked, ?May I inquire as to what your name is??[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?Jackie...Jacqueline Bennett. Miss???[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?I?m very pleased to meet you, Jackie. You are company for a lonely old woman.? The woman grinned ruefully. Jackie was pleased to see that her age hadn?t made her bitter. ?My name is Aikaterina Christakis. You may call me Katerina, if you wish.? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The woman was Greek, then. Jackie smiled and nodded, then took a sip of her [i]Ouzo[/i]. It was cold and almost liquorice-like. The coffee beans floated on the top, and Jackie watched them with fascination until she saw Katerina chewing slightly. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Grinning, Jackie took a bean into her mouth and started chewing. The flavour exploded into her mouth, and she made a slight face at the strength of the flavour. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Katerina took note of the expression, smiling again. Her skin crinkled into birds? feet around her eyes, her cheeks full and round, dimples flashing quickly before disappearing again. Jackie realised this woman, while old, would stay young in spirit forever. ?Normally in restaurants, the coffee beans are set alight when the drink is served, but I am an old woman, and I am worried about fire. I could not get out in time.? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Jackie nodded understandingly. Her own grandmother, Sybil, was forever worried about fire. ?I can understand that.? An awkward moment passed between the two women, and Jackie looked away. She could see through the window to the outside. The rain had slowed to a slight drizzle. She should have been home quite a while ago; her parents would be worried about her. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?Thank you for your hospitality,? Jackie said politely. ?I must return home.? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Katerina?s face fell. On impulse, Jackie kissed the lovely old woman on the top of her scarf-covered head, smiled and returned the towel. When Jackie reached the door, she turned and waved, nodded once and left, thankful that the woman had been so hospitable.[/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana]When she reached downstairs, the young man was still standing there. He saw her and grinned. ?Let me guess. You?ve been up there trying to visit the ghost.? [/font][/size] [font=Verdana][size=1]?The ghost??[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Still grinning, he ran his hand through his hair, then reached to pull the door open for her. ?Yeah, you know, the ghost of Flat C. The one that helps weary travellers caught in the rain.? He sighed. ?That place is so deserted. The entire apartment is decaying. No one can get in to fix it up, though.? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]He leaned in close. ?That is, unless they have the knack. Or,? he knocked on the door three times near the frame, then at the handle twice, ?the knock.? He laughed and shooed her out. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Grinning, Jackie looked up at the window of Flat C. She didn?t really believe the woman was a ghost, but if she were, Jackie would keep her secret. It was the only thing to do to repay such kindness.[/size][/font] [size=1][font=Verdana]Hunching over again, Jackie turned and made her way back to her house, grinning now that she knew which corner it was around.[/font][/size] [center]_____________________________[/center] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I had this idea [or something like this idea] in the beginning, but I thought that it would be too close to my previous work, [u]Past Tense[/u] [which some of you have read], so I chose not to continue it. In the end, it was Sunday night, it was due on the Monday, and I still wasn't happy with what I'd written, so I chose to pursue this instead of not submitting anything.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, yes, I chose to make an old lady give a teenager alcohol, lol. Mainly because I wanted something Greek -- and that was the only Greek drink I or my mother could find/remember. And also because from everything my Mum has told me [she's actually been to Greece and Italy and Germany], it isn't unusual for Greek children to drink alcohol from a young age, and the woman was traditionally greek. *nods* So, that was my reasoning, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, thoughts and so on would be appreciated.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][quote name='Zidargh']Being the age of 16 isn't the greatest considering quite a number of films that appeal to me (Such as Dawn of the Dead or The Passion of the Christ) have been released with an age rating of 18+.[/quote][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Really? Passion of the Christ was released as an MA15+ here, and I think Dawn of the Dead may be, too.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]By the time we're 16 in Australia, we can see most movies, heh, although there are the occasional R18+ movies that come out.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway, the reason I go to the movies can be summed up in three words; [b]Suspension of Reality[/b]. It's fun to watch a story and get involved in it, and not having to decide what will happen. It's also easy to forget your troubles when you're watching a movie, and that's what I like about it, heh.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I have to agree about Orson Scott Card. I personally don't like Sci-Fi that much, but I read this book after I saw Miss Sara post something on it [I think it was in a thread, but I know I was impressed with what she said] a while back.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I figured I'd read it, so I checked it out of the library. I honestly could not put it down until I finished, and then I wanted to re-read it; I liked it that much. I loved the way the very [i]human[/i] nature of them. I loved the psychological aspect that was such an intricate part of the book. It seemed so realistic, and the book, I thought, was just fantastic. I really liked the ending, although I almost cried when I realised that all of his friends would have died by then. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But yes, it's a great book.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][quote name='dposse']So, what kinds of books do you like to read?[/quote][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Don't forget the why. ;) To keep this discussion open, we need to know why you like them, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Anyway...I suppose it's sort of hard for me to define what type of books I like. I don't particularly like many Fantasy -- I often find them hard to get into and they seem almost boring to me at times. Stories about real people -- stories based on true stories, written by those it happened to -- don't interest me much either. They just seem to be...I don't know..self-pitying, which really annoys me.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]There are four series/books that I love, however.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][b]Harry Potter[/b]. There's just so much to do with this novel, and these character. The plot's very well placed, the characters are solid, and J.K. Rowling really seems to know when it's time for a new villain. I loved the way things tie together; something from the 2 book can be brought up in the third. It really makes it so that it's a series, not just a series of books.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][b]Duckness[/b], by Tim Richards. Loved that book. Absolutely loved it. It was a series of short stories that related in absolutely no way at all, but I loved the humour and I loved the descriptions and I loved the first story in there. Some of the stories really hit a nerve and I thought it was absolutely fantastic. However, other people who read it didn't like it as much, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][b]The Dark Jewels Trilogy[/b], by Anne Bishop. I think these were one of the greatest books I've read. I mean, they were different, yes, but there were themes of love and loyalty and such running throughout the books, despite the dark vibes in the book. It was this really great piece that both accentuated and complimented each other...and I plan to by the 2nd book of the trilogy [I hired them from the library to read them] tomorrow or so.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][b]Digital Fortress[/b], by Dan Brown. My boyfriend of the time was reading this when I came over to his place one day. Anyway, I looked at the back and it didn't seem that bad, so I read the first page and thought 'Yeah, not too sucky'. So I hired it from my library and read the first chapter [which wasn't too long] and got completely hooked. I love the way all of Brown's novels twist and turn and just keep suprising you. I thought it was absolutely fantastic.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]This is...a character bio? Is it for a game, a spar, a story or what? The reason I ask is that different types of history require different information. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]My first piece of advice is to use a spellcheck and watch your punctuation. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Since this piece is short, I'll go through it for you, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The world never goes away no matter how much we torture it. But life does die [color=red][personally, I think it would be better as 'But the [i]living[/i] do die...'][/color] and for me it won't. I'll be alive for centuries to come. No one will ever know [color=red][Why won't they know?][/color], nor will they ever capture me for all of the blood shed that I bring [color=red][Do you mean despite all the bloodshed, or that they'll be trying to capture you because of the bloodshed you cause?][/color]. You might know who I am [color=lime]but[/color] I swear when I come around you'll wish you've [color=red][Should be you had -- you'd.][/color] never heard of me. [color=seagreen][color=lime]But[/color] [/color]when the time comes [color=red][What time?][/color] I will be unknown[color=red] [Why? You've already said that he was known in the previous sentence.][/color] you will never see me in the darkness of the night, nor shall you sense that I was ever there. I might seem like I was sent from hell [color=lime]but[/color] no, I turned [color=red][Became, would perhaps be a better word.][/color] this way by bieng tormented [color=red][Those three words don't sound right. Perhaps [i]Because of torment[/i]][/color] for centuries before your ancestors [color=red][Before their ancestors? Why should they enter into it? If you want to give a time span, add [i]were even born. [/i]If you're trying to get at the fact that he was tormented by their ancestors, say that, heh.][/color]. I may not look old but you [strike]really have no idea[/strike] [color=red][Sounds odd. Perhaps you can change that to 'appearances can be decieving'?][/color]. I walk the streets day and night not needing water or food [color=red][I'd say swap water and food around, to keep with the normal pattern that people heard.][/color]. I kill just to see blood; its wonderful sight [color=red][You've already said you like the sight. Perhaps you could change that part to 'to [i]smell it's wonderful scent.[/i]'][/color]. You might think [strike]b/c[/strike] because [color=red][Don't shorten words.][/color] I like the view of someone oozing blood out [color=red][Oozing reminds me of two things; Green slime and Ouzo (Ouzo is an alcoholic drink). Also, you've already spoken about [i]seeing[/i] blood. So perhaps you could change the imagery to something like 'I like hearing the [i]drip, drip[/i] of blood pooling on the floor'?][/color] that I am [color=red][might be is too wishy washy.][/color] a vampire. [color=red][End the sentence here. It's too long.][/color] You'd be wrong. I'[/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=1]m just a eight thousand century year old man stuck in a twenty five year old's body. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Okay. There's a lot of red in there, but don't stress because of it. The 'but's are highlighted because you seem to use them a lot, and a piece this short shouldn't have much repetition.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Now, first of all, the reader needs an explanation as to why this person [who isn't a vampire] is still alive despite being 8,000 years old. Secondly, you need to describe something other than the sight of blood. Delve into the other senses; touch, hearing, smell, even taste. Sometimes you need to concentrate on what you want to say and clarify it for the reader -- remember, we don't know as much as you do in regards to this character.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]However, other than that, it's quite good. You just need to expand it a bit more and give the reader a bit more explanation as to why, and it'll be fine, heh.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Like I said when you showed this to me; it's a great piece. It flows well and it seems easily transcribable to music. I'm glad you cut out those few words -- it definately makes it flow better and allows the lyrics to be more concise. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So well done, hee. Especially when it's one of your first.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Hee. That's cool. Like I said, I was just throwing out ideas, lol. I'm still extremely interested in it, though, so you had better develop it. I think this would be really odd/cool [or even codd, heh.] so please continue.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Have you decided what sort of medium you want to use yet?[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, guys. Both of you have had your say. You've both stated your points and your opinions, and I can't honestly see this thread going anywhere but in circles if it were to continue. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]If you really feel the need to continue this discussion, PM each other, heh. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Thread closed.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Well, I'm not altogether sure, but perhaps something like hide and seek, and then the little child couldn't find anyone [Cause she's little and doesn't know where to look.]. Then perhaps you could develop it and the child's looking again -- although there are a lot less children to look for [Unless all the children go missing?] -- and instead of finding a child s/he finds the body. *blinks* Wow. Morbid, really. But I suppose it could work. Or instead you could cut out the latter idea and just have them playing hide and seek, then one child not being found at all -- and that's the first kidnap, or something. *shrug*[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I'm not altogether sure on the game idea -- by that point I was just throwing out ideas, heh.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I liked most of it, except for the ending. I think she should have had to have dealt with not being there to say goodbye, rather than ending up with her grandfather after all. I liked the compassion that she showed and I liked the loyalty to someone who isn't loyal to her. She's real, which is good.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]However, I didn't like the ending. It didn't explain what had happened well enough. The way I saw it, she was hit by a car as she left the cemetery. But I don't think she should have died. I think she should wake up or something, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But other than that, I thought it was fine. Well done.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay. For a while, I liked it. It was a lot more...honest, and to me a lot more real than some of the other stuff you've done.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]However, there were still some parts that I didn't like. First of all, the Maggot metaphor I found to be...annoying. I really liked it up till then. It had a great narrative feel and it told a story. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The Stepfather This Man Whose Name Doesn?t Matter and so on gets [i]really[/i] confusing, but you can stand it. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]However, after a while, you stop telling the narrative and just fade off into ramblings, which I don't like. I think you should just stick with the narrative. If you feel you really need the rambling, make a seperate story, in my opinion. The narrative was good, but the stuff after didn't fit. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But yeah, I did really like the first bit.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Pirokiko, when you create a thread, you also need to provide a topic for discussion. People really need to state [i]why[/i] they like a book. Just saying they like it is spam. Because there are many new members coming in, they won't know to say [i]why[/i] unless you specify it. Philimene, please keep depth to your posts. 18 words isn't enough depth, heh.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Liamc2 made me read Artemis Fowl last year. For some reason, I just couldn't get into it. Yes, I liked it, and I thought it was a great bridge between technology and mythology, but it took me forever and a day to read. I found I got bored easily and the characters didn't really draw me in much. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]However, I did like the technical aspects that were included. The acorn thing was very cool, heh. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But I don't think I'll read anymore, although an Artemis Fowl RPG would be interesting.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]No! Not cliche at all. I loved it! I thought it was wonderful and well written. It's got a lovely sentiment -- slightly melancholy, [i]very[/i] vivid, resigned but at the same time still hopeful.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]It's lyrical and lovely, and quite honestly, I can't think of constructive criticism for this poem. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I thought the imagery was fantastic. It really puts you in place and it delves very deep. So well done![/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I'm sorry, but I just don't like this one as much as your others. I found it to be slightly...all over the place? It didn't really have a concentrated plot, and it was silly and random, which I didn't really find funny. Your other stories are often much better, though. Of course, like you said, you were bored, which could just be that.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1] [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]This was my favorite part of this piece:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1] [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1] [/size][/font] [i][b][font=Verdana][size=1]Inside, the two endure complete and utter horror. Pictures of Carrottop are plastered all over the walls.[/size][/font][/b][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]Princess: AHHH!!!11[/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [i][font=Verdana][size=1]???: Sowwy :< *turns on lights and the pictures turn to sexy photos of Gavynn* For some reason, my pictures look like that in the dark.[/size][/font][/i] [font=Verdana][size=1] [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]I thought that was pretty good, actually, hee.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1] [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]So, yes. While usually I immensely enjoy your pieces, this one wasn't as good. [However, [i]do[/i] keep writing them, or I shall be incredibly displeased, heh.][/size][/font]

[size=1]I liked it. It had a backstory and a story to follow, which is good. The only thing I found was that the action could be made better. I'll show you the changes I've made that I think would make it better.[/size] [quote] [size=1][font=Verdana][size=1][color=indigo]?Lash!? he cried, salty tears running down his face. He burst through the open doorway of the Surgery and ran down the short corridor to the birthing room where his son had been born. And What he saw set his heart ablaze. Lying in a pool of her own blood and release, her throat slit, was Lash, his wife. A soldier held his son in one hand. He had a sword tip placed softly over where the child?s heart would be. The baby was crying loudly, protesting his imminent death with all the power he could muster. ?Nooooo!? Tor cried, feeling a massive surge of power run through him. An untapped supply of strength erupted inside him. and Using speed no human had possessed for over 600 years, his sword lashed out. and cut the head of the soldier holding his boy so tenderly?s head off *. He stabbed another nearby soldier and left his sword embedded in the man?s chest, preferring to reach out and grab his child before it [it is to impersonal. This guy is fighting for his child's life, so use 'he'] hit the floor and died anyway. Tor caught him, but immediately felt a sword plunge through his chest. The sword didn?t stop him. Still accessing the untapped power[/color][/size][color=#4b0082] within him he stood up[color=red].[/color] [strike]with the/strike] Blade still in his chest, he [strike]and[/strike] [color=red]secured[/color] his baby in the crutch of his left arm. He pulled his sword from the soldier he had left in with his right free hand and beheaded [color=red]killed[/color] the soldier who [color=red]had wounded him.[/color] currently had his own sword embedded in Tor?s chest. [/color] [/font][/size][/quote][font=Verdana][size=1][color=#4b0082][color=black]See, the problem I found was that your sentences were too long for what they were describing. When you write action scenes, the sentences need to reflect the fast paced actions they're describing, which means short punchy sentences. [/color][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]* I got rid of this bit because the syntax sounded wrong. A better sentence would be [i]his sword lashed out and the soldier's head toppled to the floor[/i], or something along those lines. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Otherwise, it was great! ^_^[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]EDIT -- The editor decided to hate me, so the red where I showed what I'd done has gone away. *sigh* Sorry.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]*cough* Well, actually, Depp played a detective who was in over his head in the movie [u]From Hell[/u]l; the one about Jack the Ripper.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Now, personally, I think this idea could be fantastic. I'll tell you how I imagined it being 'carried out' when you described it.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Movie. Set in France, in the Middle Ages (speaking english, though). Either grungy and grimy, or remarkably well kept. Throughout the movie, there are all these bird symbolisms -- hidden, but there, just to bring more meaning into it. I saw Pip as a drunkard/alcoholic with no credibility. Now, with this, you could use it so that people suspected him, or you could use it so that no one would believe him. Several plot twists, of course, to keep the viewer thinking. You could start the first scene with a child's game or something, to give it that innocent, creepy sort of feel. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Of course, you need to be careful if you do write script. It needs to be believeable and non-cliched.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But, oh gosh, the idea sounds fantastic! You've got my mind racing now and I keep seeing scenes, so you better write this! Hee. Well done. I think this is a brilliant idea.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I found that my favorite part was the following:[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][i][b]Knight of the Rose:[/b] We people of the Mountains believe that Vamptakus live at the castle. [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black][b]Shinfield:[/b] [Less confident] Vamptakus[/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black][b]Knight of the Rose:[/b] [Very seriously] Yes, they are the Unbanned, they rise from their MyOtaku's at night.[/color][/size][/font] [/i][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The inclusion of the MyOtakus was just great. I thought it really fit in the context, and it was very clever and witty. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]My advice for this piece is that, while you keep in mind you're writing about vampires, you just be as original as you want. You don't really need to have the same as Dracula Dead and Loving It. Even if you just have the same basic plot: Lawyer goes to Dracula, something happens, it gets resolved [I haven't actually seen Dead and Loving It]. That way, you have some direction. Then just continue writing what you want. I mean, it's about creativity, I think, so if you feel like writing a scene, write it, hee. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But well done, and please post some more. [/size][/font]