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The Mattress: The Jeh [M-VLS]

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The Mattress: The Jeh

[B]Chapter 1-[/B]
The darkened room, but with one door in and out, and one window, forever locked. And Lady Asphyxia looked up from her computer. Watching the ?One? was tedious work, especially when the ?One? was, not only just the ?One?. But The Jeh. Leader of a whole army of otaku?s, but he didn?t even know that himself. His powers not been released yet, not been unlocked. Unplugged. She knew what she had to do, keep as close an eye on there target. Her phone rang?.?Asphy, baby, how you doing out there?. She snickered ?Kuja, why the hell are you phoning me, I?m on duty?. Kuja sighed ?Dear Asphy, you like watching him don?t you?? She shook her head ?Don?t be ridicul-? [[Beep]].

?Is this line safe Kuja?? she asked sternly. ?Of course it?s safe, what do you take me for, a n00b?? he replied. She sighed ?I better go?. And with that she killed the line. ?God damn I hate that guy? she said to herself. ?I wish he could get a ride all boot up the-? she stopped as she heard the siren?s go off below her. ?God damnit?

-- -- --

[I]Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go

Feels like something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more[/I]

The screen still searching, forever searching, taking ages. But there was so many returns, so many articles. But James wasn?t reading through these articles. Oh no, he was having some down time with his dreams.
?Beep, Beep, Beep?

[[Wake Up Jeh]]

He tried the ?Windows+X? tag but to no prevail. He just sat there staring at the screen, which then got deleted and new writing got typed up.

[[The Mattress has you?.]]

?The Mattress?but??

[[Follow the cute wittle bunny wabbit, it looks so pretty Jeh, it looks weally pwetty]]

?What the??

[[Chop Chop, Jeh]]

A knock on the all oak door startled our young, un-expectant hero; he jumped from his computer chair, and looked around the room. The computer back to it?s ?Searching?. And the door still asking to be opened.
?Who is it?? James asked. ?It?s Adam dude, open up?. James shrugged it off and went to unlock the door. The door swung open slightly. ?You got what I need?? James nodded ?You got the money?? Adam nodded. ?Excellent? James smiled taking the huge bag of coins and sitting them on the table. ?Here you go Adam my man, myotaku.com?s final ever update. You won?t get any better than that.?
Adam nodded ?And you won?t get any better chocolate that?s in those coins dude?. James laughed ?I?ve not had one of your coins is ages?

Adam looked from side to side at James. ?Dude, you look a bit out of it, well more than usual I mean?
James looked back at his computer and said ?You ever feel like your in a dream, but you feel awake??
Adam laughed, ?Yes dude, it?s called actually sleeping the good sleep?. Adam shook his head and said again ?Dude, you have to unplug your Modem for a little while, and chill out with us?

Adam clicked his fingers and a huge man came forth with none-other than the cutest white bunny rabbit James had ever seen. A pain went through James? head ?Follow the white rabbit? he said in his head. James opened the cage??Run little rabbit, show me where to go, run, run?. The rabbit glared at James and then jamp back into his box.

"Balls!" [/center]
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[color=indigo][size=1]Wonderful, Reise ^_^ I'm currently in an AIM convo with you right at this moment..or am I?

Loved the exchange of products. Chocolate coinage XD I seriously haven't had those in years.[/color][/size]
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[SIZE=1][B]lol, nice stuff. Is it just me or do these OB fanfics keeping growing over OB? We'll need a new section soon, heh.

Anyways, I like it. As you said on AIM, the last two sentences are my favourite. I think this can go somewhere, first chapter's pretty good (make it longer, damnit! How the hell am I meant to be entertained all night?). I look forward to the next chapter, no seriously I do. Write it quick and post it, please?[/SIZE][/B]
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[color=#811C3A]Oh, for some reason, this sparked some great ideas...now I'm tempted to do my own OB parody. Balls!

Anyway, this is pretty funky (you got my face just right, by the way). And you really [i]are[/i] addicted to that song, aren't you? Not that I blame you, of course. ~_^[/color]
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I say I was a bit amused from this :^D My favorite parts have to be that you renamed The Matrix "The Mattress," which is such a random thing, but rhymes that it earns you 50,000,000 DW points. That's good. Perhaps you can trade them in for some chocolate coins. But the best line ever has to be "Follow the cute wittle bunny wabbit, it looks so pretty Jeh, it looks weally pwetty." Nothing gets more priceless.

I see in your sig I'm Agent Smith. Sweetage, baby.
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[SIZE=1]Yes you are Smith. And you make your 'oh-so-sexy' appearance in this Chapter. Heh. Be prepared for hangovers and taking-overs. Yes confused? So am I. ^__^[/SIZE]

[b]Chapter 2[/b]
After going off with Adam and the Mod Squad. James found himself in one of the most biggest and well known club in the whole of Melbourne, Australia. ?The Unknown Place?. James had followed the cute little rabbit all the way to this club, and the little rabbit disappeared with Adam and his squad once James got in. ?I have work tomorrow? James complained, looking around with a drink in his hand. A woman, with long pointed ears walked up to him. ?Hi James, I?ve been looking for you? the mysterious woman said.

?It was you on my computer wasn?t it? he asked, raising an eyebrow and smiling.
She glared ?Don?t use the eyebrow on me again. And yes it was.? she looked around and said again ?Let?s dance.? They were dancing for a little while before James went to speak ?So who are you?? She got closer, looking around again ?I?m Lady Asphyxia?. James looked shocked ?Thee Lady Asphyxia, the one who hacked the Shinmaru myO page?? ?That was a long time ago James, now focus, why did I bring you here??
?The hell do I know, I?m just a pawn of the writer?s game?
?Gah, you?re useless you are, I brought you here because you know something?I can tell you what it is??
?Tomorrow??she left him there.

She shook his head thinking to himself ?Bleh, so many mysterious meetings, I gotta cut down?. And he walked into the crowd, going to get another drink. 3AM and he was still there, hanging with Adam and the Mod Squad, he had power?he had sophistication. He was pissed?.

[Beep Beep Beep] The alarm clock went off for 17 whole minutes before James realized, I?m surprised the clock never went and hit him over the head. But finally he got up and switched it off, the droning finally stopping, he was late for work, and had a hangover. ?I don?t have a hangover?.just a sore head? Ok so he had a sore head, but he still had work. He carried himself out the door and drove his way, without falling asleep, to the huge Software Company. Gah, don?t you wish to story would hurry up at times? Well I do, it?s getting boring?oh wait he?s in the office, sorry to have kept you >_>. So our hero is in his bosses? office. Getting a right ballocking?let?s see it.

?So if you have a problem with authority, we?ll have to fire you?
?But man, you can?t fire me?I?m the Site Director of the OB, I?m not letting you take over my company, hey?wait, I can fire you. Get out?

With that the ?boss? of Jeh walked out the room. ?Heh, that taught him, he should know that I?m not easily fooled?. With that the door opened and a short but really skinny what looked like a 17 year old came into the room. ?Delivery for James B-? the door slammed behind the Delivery Boy.

?That would be me then?
?Excellent, just sign here?and I?ll be on my way?
?Okally Dokally? James looked around, ?You never heard me say that?. The boy nodded and James brought out a pen signing the appropriate part he got the package.
?Have a nice day? the boy added before leaving. James nodded, and opened the package to find a ?dramatic music??wait right there. James just put the mystery item down, because his comp is beeping. ?Bleh, stupid n00b?s I?m betting, checking his computer to see he had received a PM?

He opened the PM straight up, and found a face appeared on the screen. ?Hello Jeh?

James jamp out his chair, and stood staring at the screen once more, he thought for a second. ?You?re Alan, aren?t you??

Alan snickered ?Yes I am Jeh, but you have to listen quick?? a few minutes of silence past. And Jeh still looked content. He then got annoyed.

?What then??
?Ah, sorry, they?ve come for you Jeh!?
?Who are ?they???
?See for yourself?

Jeh looked around the room. ?I can?t damnit, I fired the ?boss? I don?t have the little cubicle anymore, keep up to date, Christ?

Alan glared at Jeh, and then shrugged ?Oh well, makes it easier for me. You just have to go outside, risk your life, and climb down scaffolding, conveniently placed right along from your window, have a nice day? and with that Alan?s face disappeared.

?Fuck that, I?m not going out there to be thrown of a building and die, so who are these Agent guys then?? James asked himself. Only to be answered the very second later with the door swinging open.

?Mr. James, good to see your well? came from the voice of the ?oh-so-sexy? Dragon Warrior in his suit, with his ship and shiny boots. But he still had his mage hat on though, his oh-so-sexy Mage Hat.

?What do you want with me?? James asked the daunting figure of Agent DW.

?We need you to come with us? he sniggered. Grabbing James, he hauled him out of the room, down the stairs where James was complaining because the elevator worked perfectly well. And finally out of building only to see a motorcycle and two black cars. Agent DW seen the motorcycle, and James waved at it, instantly seeing it was Asphyxia. ?Heya, Asphyxia, where you going??

He never got a reply. ?Fine then? he said hurt.

?Just get in the car for crying out loud? Agent DW said with glaring Black Mage eyes.

?Fine fine? James said finally shuffling into the car. ?Soooo, are we there yet?? he asked with a big grin on his face.
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[quote name='Reise][SIZE=1']James looked shocked ?Thee Lady Asphyxia, the one who hacked the Shinmaru myO page?? [/size][/quote]

[color=green]I think that's my favorite line so far.

My complements to you on a well thought out, and very funny, parody. Keep up the good work.[/color]
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[QUOTE=The Mattress: The Jeh] "?I?m the Site Director of the OB, I?m not letting you take over my company, hey?wait, I can fire you. Get out?

[color=indigo][size=1]XD Oh my! All this talk about balls is getting me hot, bothered, and emotional.

Great chapter, Reise.[/color][/size]
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Teh funnah! DW in a suit and mage hat, eh? ONLY 'oh-so-sexy'? You'll upset him, dear Reise. ^_~

Great first two chapters. Make them longer! >=O Me want more entertainment than four- no.. five- no.. however long this entertains me, damnit! Go the Jeh! I like how he got all upset when Lady A didn't say anything to him. That was funnah.

Keep up the good writing and creativity! ^_^[/COLOR][/SIZE]
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[center][b]Chapter 3[/b]
So we left Jeh with Agent Dragon Warrior in the last chapter. He was getting taken away to?well we don?t exactly know where he?s getting headed off to. But we know that it?s unexpected, and knowing DW it will be something of a horrible, but sexy torture chamber. Oh dear god the innuendo. But let?s see where our dashing hero is, and let?s see how DW is coping with Jeh?s child like behaviour.

?Are we there yet??
?Are we there yet??
?Are we there yet??
?No for crying out sexah!?

James lip pouted, and his started to swell up. ?You?re not being nice Mister Agent Warrior sir, not nice at all?. Dragon Warrior got a bit edgy now, and his started trying to loosen off his suit and shirt. The sweat gathering just about his forehead. ?Eh, sorry?I think?. And with this James face brightened up and another big smile appeared. The all was right with the world for another little while.

They finally arrived at another unknown place seeing as James had no clue where the car went, and had no clue as of what the building looked like. He just went in, and sat down in a little room with a chair and a table. He whistled for quite a bit before he got bored and started twiddling his thumbs.

?Mr James. Good to see your well? said Agent DW when he got. Agent DW looked up at the Narrators panel with contempt. ?Yeah we get the point, I think that people would have guessed it was me damnit?
So?.yes, Agent Warrior sat down just in front of James, who was now rocking back and forth on his chair, looking extremely bored.

?Can I have a juice?? James asked.
?No you can?t, sexiness better save me? he replied
?Oh ok? and James rocked back and forth again in his chair.
?So, Mr. James, we know that you?ve been contacted by a man?that we know to be Al-?
?Yeah I have, don?t have a clue who he is, I think he said he was called Alan? James smiled
?Yes, well, we need your help in catching this known terrorist, he?s become so L337 with his Advanced HTML knowledge?
James laughed ?What can I do you for Governor?
Agent DW glared at James again ?I just bloody told you! You have to go and be a traitorous byatch and fake Alan that you?re some big holy guy, blah?

James smiled, and then laughed ?Byatch, hehe?. James then stood up, and paced the room. He had grown prone to doing that now, more of a habit than really thinking of anything. Agent DW looked a bit angry now after 10 minutes of mindless walking from one end to the other.

?Sooooo?? DW finally said

James looked up ?Hm? I?m deciding what to have for dinner tonight? James laughed and then continue pacing. DW stood up and walked out the room. Arriving tow minutes later with what looked like a vacum cleaner. ?Eh what?s that for??

?Your face?
?Why?s that??
?You?ll see, now lie down on the table, this probably will hurt?a lot?

James smiled and did what he was told. The vacum came closer and the head of the cleaner got smaller and smaller, till it was barely a needles size, and DW put it right on the end of his nose. And then he stopped. The job done. ?So what is it? Ah god! Noooo, I have a spot, not a frikkin spot!?

?Yes a spot, back to your teenage years? and then came the evil laugh. The very long evil laugh, the very long and evil evil laugh that was so evil that the evil of evilness got scared. Yeh that?s right, so be scared of the laugh of evilness. Yeah?back on track.

James fell backwards and hit his head on the floor. ?Ouch!? came from his mouth before he drifted into a sleep. But if anyone has watched a good film, they always wake up in a different place, so you know what?s going to happen.

James un-expectantly wakes up to what seems to be his own room, wait it isn?t what seems to be, it is his room. His mattress, his covers, his computer still not blown up from being on for more than 3 days in a row. And James felt his nose, ?The zit EXISTS! I don?t need a bloody spot at this day and age? James got up from his snooze and walked over to his computer. But as soon as he sat down, the phone rang.

?Balls!? he said to himself.

He picked it up saying politely ?What the hell do you want??
?This is Lady Asphy, Jeh?
?Ah, Heya, you ignored me? James said, with his hurt tone in his voice again.
?Yeah, I wasn?t meant to be spotted?
?Ah sorry?
?No problem, but to business, do you what the Mattress is??
?Yeah, I sleep on one??
?No, not your Mattress, but thee Mattress?
?Not a clue?
?Ok, meet me at the Sydney Opera House?
?I don?t live the god damn close to it!!!?
?Meet me there anyway, capish?

She hung up, ?Geh, two hour walk to there, probably more?. So James had to hurry to meet up with Lady Asphy. ?I don?t need to hurry up, I need some bullet time action here, damnit?. Ok, so James needed to move faster than bullets to meet up with Lady Asphy. And if he didn?t, well she would wait I suppose.

?She bloody better!?
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[SIZE=1][B]Hehe, nice chapters, sorry I didn't post sooner I was a little busy and only had time to post on some random things on OB. Anyways, the two chapters were brilliant, I can see "balls" looks like a quote to go down in OB history somewhere, hehe. I guess this looks great so far, lots of people seem interested, so nice work!

I hope to read more soon.[/SIZE][/B]
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[center][b]Chapter 4[/b]
So after James was phoned by ?thee Lady Asphyxia? yes, that Lady Asphyxia, yup that?s right, her, the one who hacked that Shinmaru myO page, well James decided he better get changed, have a shower, and brush his teeth. Not in chronological order though, he actually decided he had no time, so did nothing and ran out the door. Then ran back locking it behind him. And after 4 bus journey?s, getting off at four wrong stops, and walking the rest of it, he finally made it to?The Sydney Opera House. Where guess who was standing? Yes that?s right, nobody.

?Grrr, fucking, bloody, profanity!? James swore, quite loudly actually. Waking up several people around the area, and that?s when he seen a head popping out the window of windowness. Yes, it was Lady Asphyxia, and she was in a night gown. Why she was in a night gown I don?t know. But I guess she does, so I suppose if you give me a quarter I?ll ask her later on.

?Oh Jamsey-kun, your early!? she exclaimed, waking up several more people around the area. And the voices from inside the Opera house went silent. Why were there voices in there, who was the leader of the Italian Job, and why am I asking so pointless questions? I guess we?ll never know. But back on track, yeah, I?ve been going off-topic a bit, *shudders* don?t close this thread?pwetty pwease?yeh, shut up. I know.

?Yeah, you bet I?m bloody early, wait?I?m early??

?Yes you are Jamsey-kun! I?ll be down in let?s say, 5 minutes?

?Oh ok? he smiled contently. And sat down the side of a big massive bridge that surprisingly just appeared in front of his very own eyes. Yes a bridge, a big one. Leading off to some unknown continent of Atlantis or some shizzle like that. But again?back on topic. James sat down by the newly-created bridge for about 10 minutes. Sighing and moaning as the time ticked away, getting more and more cold as the rain poured down. The rain beating off his head, like ?Thump Thump Thump?. But you know there always has to be rain at a dramatic point in a story.

Soon Lady Asphyxia walked out with all her leather gear on again. What?s it with the Mattress and leather? Are they all into bondage or something, ?cause it seems like that to me, being the narrator and all. But she walked down and greeted James who was now soaked all the way through to his undies. His incredible ?JEH? undies. ?Awww, Jamsey, you look wet, but the car should be coming any second now, so don?t you worry? she smiled.

25 Minutes Later? ?Whare d4 h3ll 1s dAt vIcKy w3n U neEd hEr????//slash slash?

James gasped. ?Nooooo, don?t turn to the dark side!? He magically appeared a laptop in front of him, and smiled gratefully for the narrators? good willingness.

?Here, run spell check damnit?

Lady Asphyxia sighed and did what she was told. Magically the words turned from the affore-mentioned n00b speak into a proper grammatical sentence, with perfect structure. James sighed once the transformation had been complete.

?Never do that to me again?? just as he had said that, the black car of blackness appeared in front of them, no not drove, it appeared magically, just like the nice bridge. But who cares about bridges. James and Lady Asphy sat in the back, with Vicky in the passenger seat and Patronus driving the car. Vicky turned around and smiled.

?Now lift up your shirt!? she glared.

?What?? James pronounced looking quite scared ?I?m not turning into the whole bondage thing like all of you guys, if that?s what you want me for??

?No byatch, now lift your shirt up or we?ll set Boba Fett on you!?

?Ahhhhhh, not fine, with his L337 Star Wars knowing-ness!?

Vicky grinned as James lifted his shirt up, she then laughed, quite loudly actually. ?Now where is the leather suit we customly got for him?? she asked. No-one answered. ?Only kidding, pull your shirt down kiddo? She then dug around the little chamber in front of her. ?Ah found it? she laughed and handed James, what looked like a small tube.

It wasn?t just any tube, it was ?Spot-Be-Gone?, the best damn spot cream around. ?Now put that on your nose, it?s making me sick damnit?

James sulked, but did what he was told. The white creamyness of the bottle smothering James nose, dripping off slowly.


But James caught it before it stained the perfectly black car. He smiled and waited a while. Vicky still looked suspicious. But they arrived at the place they were going, wherever that was.

Lady Asphyxia kindly gave him a damp cloth to wipe his nose with, and when all the spot cream-ness was gone, there was no spot aswell. Vicky sighed with relief, and they lead him to there master.

?Alan - The HTML God? [/center]
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