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RPG - Travis and Ken's Comedy -


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[color=crimson]Alright... Rules...
1. Only Trav and I can do this...
2. This is a story...
3. Laugh...
4. Pie is good...
5. Spurs Rule...

[b][i]*someone cuts in* The last two Rules are not neccesarily the veiwpoints of the network.[/i][/b]

Ah shut up... where was I...
6. This isnt Spam. It's Comedy. Spam is not comedy. There's a line, a fine one, and it's colored pink. It's over there *points*
7. To read, you must be a cannibal.

Welcome to your Daily News Report with Ken Howell, and Travis Emert.

"Ah yes, Hello and welcome. Tonight we have a big story coming from the Basketball front. In the game between the Spurs and the Timberwolves, Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett were ejected from the game for yelling at each other. Shortly thereafter, the Ref was found dead floating in a giant creme vat. When asked for a comment, the police said 'Only suspect we have is a San Antonian from the Northwest side. His name is Ken Howell... He is a cunning, lieing son of a-...'....

Well we dont need to know everything from that, now do we?

The mother of the ref had one comment, "I told him to *sobs* never mess with Texas... but... *sobs* he just never listened to me... He had an extreme fear of Creme Pies... It was so unhuman, he was first forced to watch 4 hours of Barney... Then he was thrown in the creme vat, dressed in a Britney Spears' shirt... How unhuman can you get?!?! *breaks down crying*"

Near the scene of the crime, a giant monkey made of crap was found. It seems this is Ken's callsign, as he is the only man known to say 'Crapmonkeys'. They followed a trail of fortune cookies and found Ken. He was drunk, with tons of empty chinese take out boxes in a pyramid next to him... He was chilling with a crew of small Imp's, who he calls 'his homies'.

When asked what kind of disguise Ken was wearing when he was picked up, the police said 'He had two chopsticks in his mouth, denying he was Ken. He kept yelling over and over that he was a walrus, and they had the wrong species and person.

Ken went to court, where he was given the oppurtunity for a lawyer. He choose his own lawyer, which was a stuffed moose. The moose provided a fine arguement. The lawyer for the mother was the best in the nation, his name being 'Tom Green'. Tom provided an equally impressive show, which included showing off his 'Cheese Helmet'. He then sang 'The Bum Bum Song' while dancing... The Jury was convinced Ken was guilty, and it was only a matter of time...

Ken's final plee was, 'Save the walruses'

The jury, consisting of Rabid Squirrels, Diseased Clowns, and drunk-needing work K-Mart employee's, found Ken guilty of 'Creme Vat Murder'. He was sentanced to life in prison.

The judge lightened the sentance a tad, feeling for the seemingly innocent, crazy Teenager standing before her, and allowed Ken to choose what prison he wanted to go to.


Yes, Ken himself knew of the elusive prison, which was constructed by drunk Texans and Louisianians in 1995. He was sent to the prison and now resides there.

We will continue this story as more comes in, but now to Travis with an update on another story....

And coming later on, the CEO of Enron found working at Mc Donalds!

Now to you Travis!"[/color]
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I am Travis...bow before me...even if I am not as funny as Ken...I have the Squirrels!!!...the Squirrels I say!!...fine be that way *presses his button...a nearby city is nuked into non exsistants*
"Thank you Ken...tonight report is that of death by to much buff, Tonight in the back room of The Late Night Show, Arnold was found lying dead in a pool of muscles many times to large for him...the only nearby weapons was a hypodermic needle with steriods in it and a air pump, when asked to commit the police said that they suspected Arnolds personal trainer...but this suspect was removed when they later found the trainer with numerous squirrel bites...they stumbled upon a wounded squirrel and followed it to one, Travis Emert, who was huddling in a corner rambling about the evilness and the dilusion of the walls next to him...the police also remark that he was an increble good looking young man who would be more then willing to...."

*Travis gets smacked by Ken*

"umm that last remark is not supported or creditable to the station...back to the report... when asked to remark one Ken Howell said " Arnold!" also the head of the armold fan club was asked to remark he said "I always warned Arnold to watch out ofr those rabid Texans...it's ashamed it's ashmed" The president then fell into hysterics and was slamed into a wall by his coulgue calling him a sissy boy.

When asked about how the aresting of Travis went one police officer was reported in saying "It was pure chaos...there were rabid squirells and the wall seemed to press in on us...Travis stood thier cackling and throwing human skulls at us..." Eventully the police called in the local pound and manged to capture Travis.

Travis called upon the president George Bush to be his lawer...in the middle of his defense of Travis George fell to the floor choking on a Pretzel...he later stated that he had " been mooned by a young texan who had a moose for a lawer". Many believe he was drunk. Later Bush's father was found attempting to pay off the media and was quoted for stating "read my lips...this story will not be realesed to the general public".

Upon seeing George choking the jury decided that anyone willing to hire him must be stupid or mentally ill and deemed Travis guilty. The judge at first decided to have Travis located at "The Padded Prison" but upon pulling out a button and threanting to nukeing the local gentlemans club the judge agreed to send Travis to "The Panty Prison Of The Dirty South"

When asked to reply about his situation a squirrel scampered out and attacked the camera man...a dog infected with rabies was released by the police to hunt the squirrel and instead began to attack jurers. Travis joined in with the dog and began to gnaw and bite jurers. 7 people were biten...the 4 bit by Travis were infected with Ebola Ziare and the entire area was quarenteened with the removal of Travis and loaded into a Hot Zone until reaching "The Panty Prison" where he was realesed within.

More as we get more Reports...and back to you Ken"

Note to all who are "blonde": I am funny in a sick and evil kinda way...Ken is funnyer then me...enjoy
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[color=crimson]"And we have another story...

The great Warden of Murders, Miss Britty Southgate, is now warden of the Panty Prison. She is a Canadian, and has delt with Ken before. She comments, 'Ken can be tricky. Right when you think you know him, he changes. He is insane and deemed dangerous.' Ken denys he is dangerous and says all he lives for is 'Pie, Beer and the Great Walruses of Lore.' He is Texan, and as we know all Texans are dangerous with guns.

Asked to comment on the state of Ken in the prison she simple states, 'Its an infestation. We have people running around yelling 'Crapmonkeys' and 'WEEEE HOOO' Everywhere. Pies come flying out of no where, hitting guards. He has hidden self in the depths of the prison, in the forgetten areas. Statues of a man named 'James' made out of cream have been seen, and it seems Ken worships James. ' James comments, 'I Do Not Know Him. I have never seen him before, and he does not go to The Otaku Boards, which may I add, are the best boards in the world. Head there.'

When we found Ken running around, we asked him who James was. He said 'Bebbies?.... James?... You mean... THE James? He is god... If I do bad bad, he send me away for long time... Bebbies... Now excuse me. Things to do, World to conquer you know! Bebbies...' and he skipped off talking about 'Cream Pies n Beer for supper.'

Britty continued, 'Also there seems to be a recurring theme in Ken's vandalism. It seems to be the Walrus. We have found Statues made of Deoderant with Chop Sticks sticking out of their mouths all over the inner forgetten area of the prison. Ken calls them 'The Sacred Guardians of Oz' and runs off.

Also in the past weeks, the rise in insanity has risen, the prisoners talk of a 'Shadowed Man who has a sword made of a pickle, and says he uses the power of the Walrus to defend the prison from evil.'

And in other news, George Bush was found dead choked on a pretzel. He had been watching Satellite TV, and it turned on a N Sync concert, where he promptly choked.

Then I was bored and nothing was going on, so I got in the news van and ran over some people.... We happened to run over the CEO of Enron, and I got the Military's 'Award of Getting Rid Of Someone Who We Dont Care About Really.'

And here's breaking news... a teenager named Neil from Lousiana has been arrested for holding up a man with a banana and a rabid cow. Neil comments 'I am a SuperSaiyen... you cant arrest me... BWA HA HA HA HA *door slams in his cell* Aw poo...'

More news as it comes...[/color]
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"and we also have an update on Travis...

Travis today arrived in "The Panty Prison"....upon entering he quickly disappeared and numerous screams could be heard...when asked to comment Britty SouthGate responded "What!?!?!....you released Travis into the Prison...and he is Rapid...no thats not the least of our problems...just pray to James or the Walrus or God that him and Ken don't meet" Britty later pushed us out of her office stateing she had work to do.

We sent a crew to update on Travis and they stumbled upon the head of an infected cow...none of the prisoners had seen the cow and say that it appeared when travis disappeared into the shaodws...many skulls rangeing from cows...to walruses...to Children have been found at the recent spotting of Travis...many say he has disappeared...but they can occaisonally hear evil cackling in the walls, when asked to comment a local guard told us "We are staying away from the walls no...and traveling in pairs...recently we found a guard who had wandered to close to the wall missing his head...he was still alive though...just like that chicken..."

We sent a reporter to find travis...and found Travis decabitating a state to James built by Ken...he was wearing a loin cloth and stared at us huddled in the corner, when asked to commint on the recent actions he responded "Thee dark ones did it....they...took over body...and told me to eat... eat I did...tasty humans...James...evil god...need beer...beer god...must burn nsync..." Upon close examination of the decapitated statue it was an image of 5 young men being tortered...Travis scammpered into the shadows and disappeared...a scratching could be heard within the walls...the reporter refused to investigate and is currently in a psychiatric ward under going treatment....

on other news, earlyer today an epidimic of Writers Block broke out...one RolePlayer Siren is suspected to have been the carryer...When we asked her her account she responded "I...can't think...Writers block...destroying plans...NOOOOOO"...many other RolePlayers are in a simler condition and the whole area has ben quarenteened.

More Reports at they come in.....Ken?"

"Yes Travis?"

"Wanna go get some beer and explore the dark?"

"Must promote the walrus...."

"I will give you a cream pie..."


"....why do those guys have the same name as us?"

"because they are us?...nah"


"Lets go...need beer and cream pie"
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[color=crimson]"Dude.... this place's beer tastes horrible..." Travis said at the bar.

"Dude... beer is rotten stuff.... When does it taste good?'


"I mean... Rotten! You eat a rotten strawberry amd what happens? It's bitter and bad... worse than Jurrasic Park 3..."

"I wonder if we should be back in the prison?"

"Prison...? Oh... You mean the Temple of the Walrus. Nah. Britty doesnt mind, I mean all we did was murder some people. She wont mind at all! At least that's what the Walrus god said! Then he said BSB sucks, and he started eating a pretzel. Then I mentioned that he was eating an N Sync pretzel, and he choked and died."

"Dude... you kill alot people while they eat pretzels...."

"I say they drop like a ton of pretzels on some terrorist type country... and send me in... and I'll have them all dead in a few minutes... I'd be... [i]PRETZEL RAMBO[/i]"

".... Pretzel Rambo?"


"Pretzel Rambo?... Walrus?... Need some rabid squirrels?"

"Nah. I have it under control. If needed i'll call on the Royal Walrus Navy."

"...... Walrus Navy? Are you drunk?"

"It's a grand navy... with..... Walrus Aircraft carriers... that launch UFB's..."


"Unidentified Flying Bananas... The Pilots are brave Grapes from the orchard of the Seal in Tusk City..."

"..... You have had enough to drink... TO THE NEWSROOM!'

----- A few minutes later -----


"And i'm Fluffy-In-Certain Areas...."

"Here's the news for RIGHT NOW..."
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[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by DeathKnight [/i]
[B][color=crimson]It's bitter and bad... worse than Jurrasic Park 3..."
[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[i]In a prison cell far, far away[/i]

Neil: Guard.......I am......you father!
Guard: :therock:
Neil: Gah! My ploy didn't work! NITRO BLAST!

[i]BA-BOOM! *alarm from Gundam Wing*[/i]

Neil: Now........where..... *GASP!* MY BANNANA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[i]The bannana lays on the ground........the....yellow.......stuff........seeping out.[/i]

Nril: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! *starts shooting up the area with ki blasts*
Funny shite you guys..........But........WHERE AM I?! I SHOULD BE IN THIS! I'M FUNNY! *trips over a chipmonk* BLAST IT! *boom*..........I wasn't serious........Especially since I'm right here....Blast it....*boom!* ..................-_______-;;;;;;;;;
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"Sighting of Ken and Travis are next to none...they were last seen deep within the Panty Prison hosting there own network for news..."

"In other News...today one Bryan was dragged in to the prison after a long trail...he was charged with murdering two young adults...when asked why he stated "they had been warned about doing stuff like that in my bed...they didn't heed the warning" Bryan was juryed by a squad of escaped circus monkeys...the found him squished banana and the judge decided that he should be released to the mercy of Ken and Travis, in light of recent events...when asked why they let him join Ken responded "he knows where the good beer is at" Travis responded " ...he he he...he makes...best...cooked human...precious has ever...tasted..." Later a party was held "within" the walls...when we moved to ask Britty Southgate on her opinion she was found huddling in the corner of her office, with big red eyes...when asked to comment " WHYY....WHY did I have to be in the same prision with those three!?!?!....DEAR GOD WHY!!!!" aftr that she broke down into hysteric sobs...and was mumbling something about beer, coffee and rabid squirrels...it is currently believed the Beer Drinking, Human Eating, Walruses Loveing, Hoe Hunting, James Worshipping, Preztel Chokeing, Mostly Texan gang had paid her a visit.

and now to Ken"
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[color=crimson]"And in the news today, the American Member of the Taliban that was captured, was sentenced on serveral counts.

One of which was, 'Stareing at Women, When They Were Covered in A Sheet'

The Judge commented, 'That is just un human. He should have stripped them down to nothing and...'

Erm. Well. you get the point.

In the south, it was snowing. Many people there couldnt believe it, and actually [b]stopped drinking booze[/b].

For the first time in histroy, the Texans in Dallas stopped drinking booze. When asked to comment, one Dallas resident said 'The only reason we stopped a drinkin' beer, wus we couldnt git outta dat' derned driveway... Snow makin' it hard and all."

Ken had one thing to say about this, "Bebbies... SNOW! Never seen snow... does it taste like pie? Pie is good... Bebbies... Walrus God says... Snow is good... Bebbies... Now... me have to kill Kmart employes... Bebbies!'

And all across the net, people were scared when on one message boards a user with the name 'Transtic Nerve' uploaded an avatar. The avatar was so scary, some people from the 'Otaku Boards' peed in their pants. When asked to comment on what the avatar looked like, Ken commented 'AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!....' and nothing else...."

*stares at the picture of TN's Avatar*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *runs off into the distance*


[i][b]We're sorry, but we're experciencing Techincal Difficulties. Please be patient, while we fix them[/i][/b][/color]
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*breaks out in hysterics, laughing uncontrolibly* GAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! DEAR LORD THIS IS FUNNY! YOU GUYS ARE TOO FUNNY! YALL MAKE...........some.....other......funny-person.....-type-.......thing.....LOOK LIKE.......Some........boring-...person........-type........-thinger-ma-bob...

Now, about my position in the news cast............
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[COLOR=crimson] *falls over laughing* *gets up, still giggling* This is hilarious, you guys! :D And I'm honoured to be part of it!

(NOTE: I'm Britty Southgate)

*bows to her "adoring" fans*

Ken: HAH! WHAT "FANS"?!?!

Travis: *looks around* Fans? Where? Oh, are there any cute girls in her "adoring fans"? :D

*Ken and Travis get smacked* [/COLOR]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Dragon Warrior [/i]

[COLOR=crimson] :devil: Gavin, you shall die for that comment! [/COLOR]
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[color=crimson]"Hey Trav, Ya know Neil wanted a postion on the news cast"


"DUDE! He has an army of rabid cows!"


".... Plus he has hentai"

"HE'S IN!"


[i]James steps in and raises a giant mod gun[/i]

"DID YOU SAY HENTAI" James yells.

"Er... Ken did"

"Wait... Wait... no I didnt..."


[i]James steps out[/i]

"DUDE!" Ken exclaimed.

"Hey. You're the one that said it"

".... Would you like fries with your extra crispy Ken?"

"*cough* Uh... Ken, our newscast"

"Oh yea, Oops. Are we on?"

[i]Liam the Cameraman Nods[/i]

"Errrr... As you can see, law enforcement is cracking down on bad evil pictures that men like."


"Errrrr... bebbies?"

"......... go to commercial...."

[i]Image fades to commercial[/i]


[i]Image fades back to the newsroom, Ken having a black eye[/i]

"Remember no talking about that"


"*coughs* Well, We're back. Ken has learned a valuble lesson"

"I learned something?"

".... ON TO THE NEWS!"

"Right. Sorry...."[/color]
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I think you guys should do a report a moose or the plural form i made up...Meese. They totally rock. (And if ou knwo me personally in real life you probably think I am obsessed with moose or meese.)


Oh yeah keep the good work up!
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OOC:...me entertaining?....*falls out of his chair in hysterics*....errr oh yeah o.O;;;

"Today two girls visited the Panty Prison...upon entering numerous screams...then giggles...then loud partying was heard...what happened no one knows...just the partying could be heard through the walls of the prison..."



"Fear ME!!!"

"ahh stop biting me!!"

"Mwhaha...you got writers block now...BWHAHA...along with Ebola Zaire...since your mostly blonde Ken....it is the strand where your survival rate is 10%"



Writers block...ahhhh!!! *gets an idea*
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[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by SuperSayian [/i]
[B]Eh? WB? Well, I'm always here......:D

E. Bola? Isn't that deadly? *sees T fall over* O.o [/B][/QUOTE]

Britty: Yeah... It is deadly... And Travis has a weird obsession with saying it lately... :rolleyes: *leans back in her chair in her office and listens to the sounds of loud music echoing through the walls*.....*sweat drop* Oh, god, why am I stuck in here with these guys? -.-

*a voice is heard*
???: Iono why you're in here... You just are...

Britty: *sits up* God? O.o;;;;

Ken: *walks out of the shadows* Where?

Britty: *Sweat drop* n/m... *shoves him out the door and locks it*.... Geez. -__- *sits back down in her chair and music continues to echo throughout the place*
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