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Writing Aaryanna_Mom vs. Darren [Poetry Contest]


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[FONT="Tahoma"][CENTER][SIZE="3"][B]Poetry Contest - Round One [/B][/SIZE]

[CENTER][SIZE="4"][B]Aaryanna_Mom [/B]vs. [B]Darren[/B][/SIZE]

Topic: [B]Vacation[/B][/CENTER]

[B]Triple Quatrain Poetry[/B][/CENTER]
For this round you are challenged to write a triple Quatrain poem. Now a basic Quatrain is a poem that has four lines and also has a specific rhyming scheme. So for a triple Quatrain, you will be writing twelve lines in groups of four, based on the topic that you have been given. For example:

[CENTER][COLOR="Sienna"][B]Topic: The Fall[/B]

I love the mountains in the fall,
as the leaves begin to turn.
Like decorations for the ball,
it makes my heart just yearn.

Fall colors seem to transcend
with yellow, orange, and browns.
It'll soon cover all the towns
with a warm and hearty blend.

The cool crisp autumn air
there's nothing that can compare.
To this color filled wonder land
what could ever be this grand.[/COLOR][/CENTER]
As you can see in each section the ending lines rhyme with one of the others. And just like the poem, they do not have to be in a specific order. So long as they rhyme, it works. In theory, for this contest, the ending of each line could rhyme with every single one.

Each contestant has till [COLOR="Sienna"][U][B]Friday the 11th[/B][/U][/COLOR] to get their poems in. At which time the voting will begin, sooner if both members submit their poems before the deadline. Now all members are welcome to vote include those involved. If it is the thread you are in though, only comments and critiquing is allowed since obviously you can?t vote for yourself. But definitely take the time to vote on the other entries! Now if there are any questions, be sure to direct them to this thread here: [URL="http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=58871"][U]Poetry Contest[/U][/URL] And now lets have some fun![/FONT]
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[CENTER][B]R & R[/B]

When was the last time you saw something grand?
Oh the adventure to be had, as you boldly set forth.
The ocean, the mountains; deep south in Dixieland.
A winding path that all can take, don?t hesitate!

In all your life, there is more than you can see,
I think I?ll go, for I will not stand by and wait,
Above and beneath the turbulent wide seas,
Such beautiful treasures to be discovered, so great.

So when the night begins to call and sing it?s song,
Telling me it?s time to take my leave and head home,
Those pictures taken will hold those memories strong,
Till the next vacation when I declare, I?m gone![/CENTER]
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[CENTER][B][U]A Vacation In My Head[/U][/B]

Throughout the year, I'm bored in class
With never a chance or change of pace.
My mind wanders to the greenest grass.
Oh, how I wish I could escape this place.

Perhaps to go hiking on a mountainside,
Or rappel down its deep and dangerous cliffs.
Maybe, on a Mexican cruise, I should ride
To entertain my friends with hysterical riffs.

But, to me, what would be the most fun of all
Would be visiting Europe for a month or two.
The bell rings, and kids pour into the hall.
Next time I'm on a trip, a real vacation is due.[/CENTER]
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[FONT=Arial]Coupl'a minor things before I say anything important.

[B]A_M:[/B] [I]"...sing [COLOR="Red"]its[/COLOR] song/"[/I]
      (also, [I]"Oh, the adventure...."[/I] or even [I]"Oh! the adventure...."[/I] for style,
        and to make the pacing more obvious to the reader.)

[B]Darren:[/B] [I]"Or [COLOR="Red"]rappel[/COLOR] down...."[/I]

[I]*shrug*[/I] Little stuff.

I like how both of you had slightly different takes on the same aspect of vacationing: one with the desire to go; and the other urging at first, and then doing so yourself. I also like the listing of the variety.

What decided me was simplicity. The beauty of poetry, to me, is it ability to tell a story, or convey an emotion or a concept, without the same intense level of description as prose. That's part of the reason I rarely engage it writing it; I find it difficult to be as precise as I need to, sometimes, and prose allows me more room, more time.

A difficult call to make, objectively, but I'll shut up and cast my vote for [B]Darren[/B].

[B]Edit:[/B] [COLOR=DarkRed]A_M[/COLOR]? Rhyming "something grand" with "Dixieland" made me smile a lot. Nicely done.[/FONT]
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[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"][B]Aaryanna_Mom:[/B] I enjoy how your poem is like a song telling you to go and then wraps up with the memories of having done so. I can see it as a journey to get out there and experience things.

[B]Darren:[/B] Yours is fun in how it?s a vacation when one can?t, the dream of being able to get there someday. It has a fun feel of; I need to get the heck out of here! Heh.

Excellent poems, both of you, I cast my vote for [B]Aaryanna_Mom[/B].[/FONT][/COLOR]
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[COLOR="DarkGreen"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Okay, for my mom, I like how it?s talking like one is remembering a past vacation. With it wrapping up with a person having pictures to remind one of the trips they've taken. For Darren, its fun how it?s more about being unable to take that trip because the person is tied down. So the vacation is more in their mind or rather the desire to take one is.

Naturally I like both. XP and since I need to pick, I vote for [B]Darren[/B]. [/FONT][/COLOR]
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[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"]I felt kind of awkward after having read [B]A_M's[/B] poem. It was the best of the two in terms of emotion. A few words didn't rhyme when I read them, but that's no big deal. I just felt a little awkward cause of the happiness and glee that the poem expresses, it sort of feels like a child's poem.

[B]Darren's [/B]was very simple, which was nice but it was meh for me. It just didn't work out for me like A_M's did and to be honest it was boring.

So my vote goes to [B]Aaryanna_Mom[/B].[/SIZE][/COLOR]
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[quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial][B]Edit:[/B] [COLOR=DarkRed]A_M[/COLOR]? Rhyming "something grand" with "Dixieland" made me smile a lot. Nicely done.[/FONT][/QUOTE]I'm glad you enjoyed that. It was the one thing I was determined to fit into the poem because for me, a vacation or the sense of one comes most from where I grew up, and that would be in Dixieland. ^_~ So living in Utah, the song "I Wish I Was in Dixie" tends to come to mind when I think of taking a vacation.

Anyway, I like very much how your poem Darren takes such a different approach to the concept of a vacation. :catgirl:
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[size=1]I'm trying to be objective here, but Mom used 'Dixieland' in her poem and I absolutely love that. Touches like that really add personality to a poem (or any writing, really) and instantly draw me in as a reader.

So for that single solitary reason I choose [b]Mom[/b].

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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]I think I'm going to have to [b]march in lock step with Shy.[/b]

If only because I've BEEN to Dixieland. Oh the sweet sweet memories of sweet tea and tobacco fields on fire. Not that I don't sympathize with being locked in a classroom with no escape in sight. That's my entire Spring Quarter.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[COLOR="Indigo"][B]Kathy[/B] - I like the personal touch to yours in that it specifies a specific desire and closure in that one has been on vacation before. The idea of pictures making it last longer is nice.

[B]Darren[/B] - Though yours is nice in a sense of wanting to escape. It seems more of a desire to get out instead of a real desire to go on vacation. Though being a student myself I can appreciate that sentiment.

Both were nicely done and my vote goes for [B]Kathy[/B][/COLOR]
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[SIZE="1"]Again, another set of difficult choices.

For Darren, actually still being in high school, and the weather starting to get better really allowed me to identify with your poem. The frustration and the pent-up energy of wanting to just get out and have fun on vacation, instead of day-dreaming in class is something I know pretty intimately at this point.

A_M, I suppose not being American meant the Dixieland line had no real effect one me, other than it being something interesting to rhyme against "grand". Of the three paragraphs, you last is my favourite, because of the way you bring the vacation to a close, but also talk about the photos and the prospect of the next vacation.

Based on the fact I identified more with your poem [B]Darren[/B], you get my vote.[/SIZE]
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[FONT="Tahoma"][COLOR="DimGray"]This is a very tough decision to make. I really enjoyed both of these.

A_M, your poem is excellent in that it has good imagery and just the way you've written it seems very professional. Now I have never heard of Dixieland, unfortunately, so I can't relate to that part of the poem at all but I can still relate to the piece as a whole with or without Dixieland.

Darren, you took an interesting approach at the topic in that the person is going over their dream vacation in their head. I think this is a great idea and it's pretty original given that your topic was simply "Vacation."

This is a tough call but I'm going to have to go with [B]Aaryanna_Mom[/B]. Really great work, both of you.[/COLOR][/FONT]
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[I]Aaryanna_Mom[/I], the impression I got from your poem was that of a commercial song for a traveling agency, but incidentally, it fit the theme. The poem had a fun, upbeat feel to it.

As for [I]Darren[/I], your poem seemed to me as almost a school essay about "what's your dream vacation?" written in rhymes. It worked technically, though.

But for originality and fun imagery, [B]Aaryanna_Mom[/B] has my vote.
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Aww man another tough call for me.

I like how Aaryanna_Mom?s poem gets me all pumped up to visualize how much there is to see out there. However, being a student myself I felt more connected with Darren?s poem. Whenever I?m in class, I?m always thinking about getting out of class just to travel to somewhere nice.

And with that said, I vote for [B]Darren[/B].
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[B]Kathy[/B] - I'll just admit it upfront. Dixieland wins. I served an LDS mission in Dallas, Tx and that bit about it really gives the poem a personal touch I can relate to. The feeling of being excited about revisiting places you care for.

[B]Darren[/B] - I can also relate to the being stuck in a classroom wanting out, but unlike the other touch, that one just reminds me too much of being stuck in a class. It is nice, but it doesn't really stand out in my mind.

Anyway, I vote for [B]Kathy[/B].
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A_M: your poem is very good. It makes me daydreaming when I'm reading it. I can see so much images with your words. Great job ~

Darren: I really like your idea. It's very original. I think that your poem touched everyone,'cause who doesn't want to go on vacantion? Between your lines, I can easily feel the emotion of someone who wants to escape from reality. Nice done.

I vote [B]Darren[/B]
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[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][B]Aaryanna_Mom[/B], your poem gives off a feeling of excitement and joy at the prospect of heading out for a little bit of fun. It flows well and it's just enjoyable to read.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][B]Darren[/B], you went with an angle we can ALL relate to. I like that. While nowadays those thoughts are in my head in work instead of class, I can still relate.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]I liked both poems a lot, but [B]Darren[/B] gets my vote because of how well I can relate to it.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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[FONT="Tahoma"]Thank you very much everyone for your poems and participation on all sides. With Aaryanna_Mom receiving 8 votes and Darren 6 votes... [B]Aaryanna_Mom[/B] wins this round. Congratulations! You advance to the second round. :catgirl:[/FONT]
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