Writing Treble vs. 8bit [Poetry Contest]

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"][CENTER][SIZE="3"][B]Poetry Contest - Round One [/B][/SIZE]

[hr=Sienna]100[/hr]
[CENTER][SIZE="4"][B]Treble [/B]vs. [B]8bit[/B][/SIZE]

Topic: [B]Ocean[/B][/CENTER]
[hr=Sienna]100[/hr]

[B]Triple Quatrain Poetry[/B][/CENTER]
For this round you are challenged to write a triple Quatrain poem. Now a basic Quatrain is a poem that has four lines and also has a specific rhyming scheme. So for a triple Quatrain, you will be writing twelve lines in groups of four, based on the topic that you have been given. For example:

[CENTER][COLOR="Sienna"][B]Topic: The Fall[/B]

I love the mountains in the fall,
as the leaves begin to turn.
Like decorations for the ball,
it makes my heart just yearn.

Fall colors seem to transcend
with yellow, orange, and browns.
It'll soon cover all the towns
with a warm and hearty blend.

The cool crisp autumn air
there's nothing that can compare.
To this color filled wonder land
what could ever be this grand.[/COLOR][/CENTER]
As you can see in each section the ending lines rhyme with one of the others. And just like the poem, they do not have to be in a specific order. So long as they rhyme, it works. In theory, for this contest, the ending of each line could rhyme with every single one.

Each contestant has till [COLOR="Sienna"][U][B]Friday the 11th[/B][/U][/COLOR] to get their poems in. At which time the voting will begin, sooner if both members submit their poems before the deadline. Now all members are welcome to vote include those involved. If it is the thread you are in though, only comments and critiquing is allowed since obviously you can’t vote for yourself. But definitely take the time to vote on the other entries! Now if there are any questions, be sure to direct them to this thread here: [URL="http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=58871"][U]Poetry Contest[/U][/URL] And now lets have some fun![/FONT]

[Treble]

[center][B]Longing to be free[/B]

I stand before this vast blue ocean,
As the hungry waves twirl in motion,
One dip in, and I?ll be grasping for air,
Watching from above, I wish didn?t have to care.

Streams flowing everywhere,
So free and so alive,
While I?m just standing here,
I wish I could just take a dive.

That relaxing sensation,
Allows me to see,
The beauty of this creation,
Forever grand and free. [/center]

[Ellerby]

[FONT="Tahoma"][COLOR="DimGray"][INDENT][B]The Wayward Waters[/B]

Out there in that vast blue wonder
there is a forgotten ship.
A wreckage of a long lost boat
that never finished its trip.

It serves as an aquatic graveyard
for the abandoned sunken crew.
It ties their lives to the ocean,
with a knot that will never undo.

My father was on that lost vessel,
and so this is my final farewell.
I'll give my life to the ocean
and become tied to him as well.[/INDENT][/COLOR][/FONT]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"][B]Treble:[/B] Your poem is fun in how it really captures how much you?d want to be at the ocean. It?s simple and to the point and flows well.

[B]8bit:[/B] I like how your poem not only talks about the ocean, but ties in the connection between father and son. It?s expressive and I like the feel it gives.

Deciding between the two of you is kind of hard. Both of you have points that in my opinion outdo the other. Treble for the simplicity in his poem, 8bit for the depth of expression it conveys.

Excellent poems, both of you, I cast my vote for [B]8bit[/B]. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Treble]

Agreed. I like how there?s a tragic story behind 8bit?s poem, and how everything just seems to connect to the ocean. Good stuff!

[Aaryanna]

[COLOR="DarkGreen"][FONT="Book Antiqua"]Treble, I like the nice simple feel to your poem, it?s like one needs to actually go to the ocean to experience it for themselves. 8bit, as Beth said, yours is nice and expressive and has a great depth to it. I like both of them, making it hard to choose since I like how the first one is playful and the other more serious. And since I need to chose, I pick simple, placing my vote for [B]Treble[/B]. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[Allamorph]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR="DarkRed"]Treble[/COLOR]: Interesting how you varied the meter of each successive stanza. I'd almost be tempted to say it was an accident if you hadn't gotten consistently simpler. Intentional or no, it was a neat effect.

One line struck me: [I]"I wish I could just take a dive./"[/I] It's probably just me, but the use of the word "just" allows the feeling to dissipate slightly. Perhaps if you rewrote it [I]"Wishing I could take a dive./"[/I] it would feel more pronounced, and might also fit with its counterpart line [I]"So free and so alive,/"[/I] a little easier. (^_^)

Watch for "just" in all your stuff. Not that it's bad to use it, just be careful.

[COLOR="DarkRed"]8bit[/COLOR]: Very precise rhythm and meter. Nicely done. I also like the way you used a bit of history, made it personal, and ended in suicide (I'm pretty sure), but still held the ocean as the unifying theme.

My one thought is again a single line: [I]"It serves as an aquatic graveyard/"[/I]. Somehow "aquatic" doesn't feel right to me, given the meter; perhaps "watery" might fit better? (I'd even go for "wat'ry", for even more of a 'poetic' feel, but that's just archaic ole' me. :p) Given that, [I]"...serves a watery graveyard/"[/I] sounds kind of odd, so if you took that advice, you might switch "serves" to "stands" or something similar.


Graa. Tough call. I'm really drawn to both of them about the same.

Hmmph. :p I vote [B]White[/B] and his miniature epic.[/FONT]

[Darren]

Well. 8Bit's poem flows better... I can't help but love that...

But I simply like the content of Treble's, although, I may not be reading into it enough...

(I don't suppose I could give .5 to each, could I?)

Ultimately, I have to vote [B]Treble[/B] just because his poem seemed to connect to the topic more... And that was the only deciding factor.

[Aberinkula]

[SIZE="1"][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]My vote goes to [B]Treble[/B], the first stanza was very strong, and while the last stanza was small and seemingly weak, it was a simple end. And simple is what ruled over these two poems.

As for [B]8Bit's [/B]poem, I liked it, but it just wasn't as good.

EDIT: Grand just didn't fit, sorry.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Ellerby]

[FONT="Tahoma"][COLOR="DimGray"][quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial]I vote [B]White[/B] and his miniature epic.[/FONT][/QUOTE]
You make me blush. :animeblus

I think you're right about "aquatic" and I even thought about changing that but I couldn't think of anything better. Watery would probably work (at least better then aquatic) but like you said I'd have to change around that whole quatrain and by that point I had been working on the poem for like 2 hours so I just posted it, haha.

Wat'ry, haha. I wish I had thought of that. xD

[quote name='Allamorph][font=arial]Watch for "[b]just[/b]" in all your stuff. Not that it's bad to use it, [b]just[/b'] be careful.[/font][/quote]lol[/COLOR][/FONT]

[font=tahoma][color=dimgray][b]Treble[/b], thought I would say that I like how even though your poem has no real story behind it, it's still more then just blatantly describing the ocean. I really got a sense of how relaxing the ocean can be from your poem where in mine the ocean is more of a killer. :)[/font][/color]

[Aaryanna_Mom]

I'm going to fall back on simplicity here again because though I think 8bit's poem is a bit more epic, it doesn't have the playfulness that Treble's poem does. I like the simple nature of making one want to go to the ocean to experience it vs the serious slant in the second poem. So with that in mind, I vote for [B]Treble[/B].

[Shy]

[size=1]I like [b]Treble's[/b].

I find it strange that both poems' first lines are so similar, and that kind of bothers me. I think 8bit should have made an effort to change his opening line, even if the rest of the poem is totally different. 8Bit's tells a good story, but like a lot of the poems here it seems to be trying too hard. I think a more subtle approach could have been used to tell the came story in a more effect way.

Treble's poem was simple, and probably deceptively so. I approve.

-Shy[/size]

[Raiha]

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i][b]8bit[/b]. Congratulations. You did what I did and broke away from just the main topic given to work with. And thus, I do show my solidarity.

Perhaps the reason I was turned off a little by your altogether still decent poem Treble was the line in which you are "grasping for air." If only because that didn't strike me the correct way.[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"]I like the simplicity of Treble's poem, like a call to just go and see the ocean for yourself. The feeling to 8bit's is more dark and though the imagery was vivid, it didn't appeal to me as much.

The playfulness of the first poem calls to me the most so I vote for [B]Treble[/B].[/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"][B]Treble[/B].

Like everyone who's voted for you Treble, I liked the simplicity and the gentleness of your poem, there was an almost child-like love or appreciation of the ocean itself. And given I loved going to the ocean as a kid, that really struck a cord with me.

8-Bit, genuinely you had the better story, and if judging on that alone, you would've certainly got my vote. However, I have to admit, I didn't care for the darker nature of the poem itself, particularly the overtness of the last paragraph.[/SIZE]

[Ellerby]

[FONT="Tahoma"][COLOR="DimGray"][quote name='Aaryanna_Mom']I like the simple nature of making one want to go to the ocean to experience it vs the serious slant in the second poem.[/QUOTE]
I agree, but I really just couldn't write about having fun in the ocean or describing the ocean as a good thing because [i]I[/i] dislike the ocean. All experiences I've had with the ocean are [B]bad[/B] and so that had to come out in my writing.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[size=1][b]edit:[/b] Damn, I'm 5 points behind. xD[/size]

[Sandy]

[B]8bit[/B], you sold your poem to me by weaving a touching story into it. Thus you get my vote.

[I]Treble[/I], your poem was too simple for me, and seemed somewhat unbalanced when comparing the stanzas. The image it painted was nice, though.

[Rachmaninoff]

[B]Treble[/B] - Nice and simple and to the point, making you feel that in order to truly understand, one has to go to the ocean.

[B]8bit[/B] - Yours does a nice job of putting a more personal story into the poem. Though I find that a little distracting from a personal perspective, not for the actual poem.

Both poems have elements that I like better than the other, I like the simple nature of Treble's and the more serious in 8bit's. I vote [B]Treble[/B].

[Sayrin]

Treble: your poem was really beautiful. I felt like if I was a young child admiring the ocean...

8bit: your poem really touched me. You've succeeded to put emotion behind your words. We really can feel the love between father and son...

I vote [B]8bit[/B]

[Kenso]

[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]Well, I suppose I should start inputting on these things.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][B]Treble[/B], like everyone else, I liked the simple nature of your poem, and found myself wishing for that dive right along with you.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][B]8bit[/B], while I don't dislike the ocean, I have a marked appreciation for the harsh realities of the world, and your poem is a stark reminder that it's not all beauty and glory out there on the water.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]That said, my vote goes to [B]8bit[/B].[/SIZE][/FONT]

[Sabrina]

[FONT="Tahoma"]Thank you very much everyone for your poems and participation on all sides. With Treble receiving 8 votes and 8bit 6 votes... [B]Treble[/B] wins this round. Congratulations! You advance to the second round. :catgirl:[/FONT]