Sara

[b]Why do writers write? [i]Because it isn't there.[/i][/b] --Thomas Berger

I would add another element....an extra layer, or a soft background, or something, to make it more banner-like, and less like a picture.

Actually, in Wisconsin, you have to be 15 1/2 before you can get your Temps. You have to have your temps for six months before you can take the road test at get your license. And you're on probation for nine months after that--only one non-family member in the car. Trust me. I'm in the middle of the whole thing right now. Happy birthday....

Ye gods in heaven, Renee's still alive?

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i] [B]You know what? I really [i]really[/i] hope that's true. Cos the world sure needs more people like that. Of course what you could mean is 'I want someone to be a part of my life and change me for the better'...in which case, good luck to you anyway! :) PS: Yes, I am stalking you through the threads and making fun of you at every turn. :D [/B][/QUOTE] I'm honored....or something. ;) And to Shy--Many, many thanks.

A bit disturbing that I could see one of my writing styles all over that piece. ; ) But I did like it.

I want to be able to be a part of someone's life, and change them for the better. In a bit of a silly way, I want to be part of a miracle.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by PiroMunkie [/i] [B][color=indigo]Both online and off I pretty much seem to be an outsider. People know [i]of[/i] me, but they dont really know me. I have a few friends/acquaintances, but other than that, I just watch people that go by. I guess you could pretty much call me a wallflower. I see things. I keep quiet about them. And I understand. (look familiar anyone? Just replacing "I" with "You") So yeah... that's me. It begins to takes it toll after a while, but oh well. That's life.[/color] [/B][/QUOTE] Perfect post. And I love that quote. ; )

I can't remember the wording, exactly, and I don't have my copy of the book at hand...but someone in [i]Ender's Game[/i] had a good quote. He told Ender he was glad that his team had lost; if he'd actually have beaten Ender, he;'s have wanted it to be done fair. Ender told him that he should use any advantage he had, fair or not. "Oh, I did. I'm only fair-minded after the battle." Something to that effect.

I used to spend endless hours reading. It's dropped off considerably in the last nine months. I've been spending more time with actual human people, and can't say I regret it. But I will always love the chance to curl up with a good book.

[i]Laugh. Because life is funny.[/i] Tag of the moment: [i]Pillage before you burn.[/i] [edit]Oh yes, I nearly forgot this one: [i]The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.[/i][/edit]

If all blogs are tweegs, and some tweegs and blurps, then..... Good God in heaven, but I hate those questions. I took both, scored between 145 and 150 both times.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i] [i]Mnemolth's post[/i][/QUOTE] ::laughs:: Thank you, indeed. Refreshing to have an honest opinion!

::laughs happily:: I'm glad you all liked it! Actually, I guess I phrased the introductory paragraph wrong. I meant more along the lines of, I don't know what to call the form. It wasn't meant as a "love letter," but more of a note written. As for a title... Title isn't a matter of naming a thing, but finding the name that already belongs to something. I've been referring to it as [i]And maybe tonight[/i], though I'm leaning more towards something that refers to the poem as a whole, rather than one line. If it were to be a line, it definitely would be [i]And maybe tonight[/i], because of the question it has there, and the focus of the poem. ::bows to Mnemolth:: Heh. I agree, the circle circle bit needs to go; it was cut in my revision last night. I was a bit reluctant, seeing as that particular phrase is what started the idea, but it didn't fit with the finished product. It always amuses me when that happens. And I the "And where one year" bit, I must have skipped "where" when I typed it out, it [i]is[/i] broken there. Third para, you're right, the switch would flow better. But I think I'll leave it the way it is; that was one of the quirks I liked about it. Fourth para really takes what the poem is about, the idea of losing things (innoncence, in this case, I think). I want to keep the emphasis on the idea of losing things, rather than not having them. Thank you so much, you're a lovely critic.

Not a letter, exactly. More someone you would see written by someone during class, in a freestyle poem form. I'd forgotten how much I love writing like this. It's been a while... Q/C/C are accepted, as always. [i]Meet me where the playground used to be At our old school Before they tore it down And put in more parkinglot And we'll walk And talk About how we used to be And go over to the flagpole Where the buses always came And one year I gave you my yearbook And you signed it "with love" And I thought you were crazy. Meet me where the playground used to be And where in Kindergarten Under the slide You taught me all the swear words Even though neither of us knew what they meant And the year Everyone was talking about Cooties And I didn't know what they were But you got them by talking to boys. Circle Circle Dot Dot... Meet me where the playground used to be And we'll walk down to the zoo Where we always Every year Went for field trips. And watch the fountain In the fish pond If it's still there And if it's not, we'll go anyway Because who wants to watch a fountain? Meet me there And we'll remember the things we've found And the things we've lost And the things we haven't yet But maybe will Soon. Meet me We'll go walking And isn't life funny And love. Meet me We'll go walking And maybe tonight[/i]

I've tried going there a few times, when I've been sufficiently bored. It has never worked for me, and I have neither the time nor the motivation to find out why.

I don't know where I stand online. What do you people think of me, anyhow? At school, I have my place. I belong in the Drama Clique. I participate in a number of activities: Band, Praise Team, Ensemble, Handbells, Soccer, Enviromental Club, etc., but the only place I've found that I fit in is with the Drama people. I love music with all my heart, but I simply cannot stand the people who take charge in those groups. It's a pity, really. Outside of my clique, everyone knows who I am: Sara Martin, go ask her for the answers to any assignment! It deeply bothers me that people see me that way, as an object to provide them with academic help. For that reason, I rarely give it. It certainly doesn't help my general popularity any, but then, if I wanted popularity, I would have joined Student Council or Cheerleading. On the other hand, most people also know me for my sense of humor. I take great joy in irony and other quirks of life. Last year I kept "notes" in World History; I had an accurate record of the worst and most famous mistakes the teacher made. I've written essays affectionately known as "the fairy tale rant" and others. Generally, I'm known for being mean. But then, if you can't find humor in people's stupidity, your life is going to be very dull.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i] [B]Here's an interesting question for you folks who have LJ/blogs or whatever. How many of you are honest and real on these things? And if not, what exactly is the point?[/B][/QUOTE] I am, to an extent. I seem to have shifted from my notebook to my computer screen over the last eight months, and have found that it's easier to record the events of the day by typing it out when I have time than hunting out an empty notebook and a sharpened pencil. On the other hand, I'm a bit more...guarded than I would be, had I been writing on paper. There's a greater chance of people I know reading it; actually, I know people do read it. ::looks at Shy:: Ginny and I keep updated on each other's lives via blog, we aren't able to keep in touch much any other way. And frankly, my layout is embarrassing. I meant to clean it up, but haven't found the time or motivation since school's started.

I've simply always been here. Or if not "always," at least long enough to have explained how I got here no less than eight times.

Yeah, I've got one. The layout is garbage, but I'm too lazy to mess with it.

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by James [/i] [B][color=royalblue]So, I recommend that everyone set their software on "from the beginning"...so that way, you can see everything from Version 3 all the way up to Version 6. :)[/color] [/B][/QUOTE] Except of course, for the ones that have been randomly deleted, and simply cannot be found...

I agree with much of what Mnemolth said here. A couple questions before I go on: How old are you? And how long have you been writing poetry like this? Don't take them the wrong way, it just helps me to try and get a framework of the author before I comment on their work. Without knowing the answers to those two questions, then: First of all, please believe me when I may not understand your particular feelings while you were writing these poems, but I am reading them as honestly as I can. In my experience, that genre of poetry usually comes from raw emotion, and that can be difficult to express. And while some phrasings are extremely well done, others seem to muddy where you're going with your poetry. If you're writing simply for yourself, I won't harp on this point too much, but if you intend to write also for others, there are some things you should take into consideration. Simpler is better. While any work of writing sounds more professional with more specialized wording [example, [i]gargantuan[/i] in stead of [i]big[/i]], it can be [and often is] overdone in 'amature' poetry. That is to say, no one is going to be able to handle 50 long words in 30 lines of writing. [i]"whispering, in my ear, a reciteful destruction packaged abound"[/i] means absolutely nothing to me. I don't know if this will make sense to you, but I can interpret your poetry better than I can understand it. General emotions are pretty clear, or at least there, but the intricate wording muddies your point. But as I said, if you're just writing to vent, feel free to ignore the above. And I may be wrong, but I believe what Mnemolth meant was to stay with just one analogy per poem, or section, instead of changing direction multiple times. You do indeed have many elements of comparison in your work. I won't say [i]too[/i] many, but perhaps too many too close together. Example: In Paper Ball, you stayed with the crumpled paper thing for much of it, then threw in a random line about a 'glassy mirror.' And while it wasn't a bad poem by any means, my first reaction there was: [i]Huh??[/i] I'm Here reminded me very much of lyrics to a song, rather than straight poetry. Not good, necessarily, or bad, just a random comment. Another thing that I see a lot of [not just in your poems, but in 'amature' poetry in general] is forced rhyming. And by that I mean lines that just don't fit together. It might not be just the rhyme, but the words used, or the rhythm, or any number of other factors. __________________________________________________________ Okay, I went through [sufficiently bored person that I am] and messed with the first few lines of one of your poems. If you want to see me tear apart your work, read on. If not....heh.... I did this completely objectively, I've done it to stuff of my friends in the past. I've just found that working with other people's writing helps me improve my own, and I explain things better when I have examples to work with. So skip this section or accept it gracefully. Please don't take any offense or anything; none was intended. The first two lines: [i]a startled wind blows through my hair a stagnant breeze of melancholy despair[/i] don't feel right to me. Adding the third line, [i]it blows all around in a surrounding declare[/i] doesn't help. You may be going for a free form deal where meter doesn't matter, but it doesn't seem that way. It seems more like you're just rhyming depressing lines. Which is fine with me, but again, if you're writing for anyone other than yourself, or are looking to improve your writing caliber, you may want to consider trying to write a poem around rhythm, and adding rhymes in if they fit, rather than the other way round. Perhaps just as an exercise, or if you enjoy it and want to stick with it, that works, too. Another note on those three lines: You used the word 'blow' twice. Unless it's a constant throughout the poem, or really adds something to the stress or beat, I'd try to avoid that. It's not something people usually notice at first glance, but it may tug at them, even if they don't know why. Redundance can be a pet peeve of mine. Alterning the above lines a bit, and hopefully keeping the same meaning: [i]a startled wind blows through my hair a stagnant breeze of [b]dark[/b] despair[/i] [i]it blows all around in a surrounding declare[/i] Seemed to give it a more solid rhythm. But what about line three? I went into the next couple lines looking for what 'surrounding delcare' was supposed to mean. I wasn't sure if it was necessary to the poem, or just a word thrown in for a rhyme. Turns out you've got some stuff on the next two lines supporting it, so it's not just an easy rhyme. Problem is, it's not exactly a rhyme. [i]Declare[/i] is a verb, and using it as a noun just doesn't work. It can only help your writing if you make sure to use words in their correct form. But again, [i]Declaration[/i] doesn't rhyme at all. What to do, what to do... Okay, let's work with 'surrounding.' Good, simple word, but it seems to be hanging on 'declare' and I want to get rid of that. AND , I want to add a rhythm that fits with the first two lines. On top of that, the second 'blow' needs to be taken care of. So with the idea of [i]surrounding[/i], there's [i]enveloping[/i] which may work. Enveloping what? The narrator. Okay, so we've got something along the lines of [i]Enveloping me [da da da da] declare[/i] Aagh, gotta get rid of 'declare.' The next line ends in 'away,' let's work with that. [i]shouting out a whispered dream wilting away[/i] Okay. Translated, we have a dying dream being announced. All else fails, trial and error: With [i][b]away[/b][/i] [i]Crying out as the whisperéd dream wilts away[/i] [i]Declaring the dream as it's wilting away[/i] Or possibly [i][b]decay[/b][/i] [i]Crying out for the dream as it wilts and decays[/i] [i]Declaring the whispered dream as it decays[/i] Staying as faithful to the original verse as possible, we'll go with [i]Crying out as the whisperéd dream wilts away.[/i] So now we have: [i]A startled wind blows through my hair A stagnant breeze of dark despair[/i] [i]Enveloping me [da da da] day [/i] [i]Crying out as the whisperéd dream wilts away.[/i] You can replace [da da da] with any number of things. You've got a dream going away, so you could do something to the effect of 'at the breaking of day.' You could work with the concept of dark and use 'and hiding the day.' You could work with 'masking the day,' twisting the day,' or any number of other things, there. Congratulations! You have reached the end of Sara's Pointless Poetry Workshop.

That turned out very well. Your writing style rather reminds me of my own; a bit disturbing, that.

Excellent story, Mist.

Moby Dick was written by Herman Melville.