Coping with loss.

[Red]

[b][size=1]I hate to start another depressing thread, I really do; but I don't know where else to turn.

Someone very dear to me died 3 months ago today. Since then, I've found it very difficult to cope with the fact that she's just not there anymore; a friend who I could count on for advice and who was always there for me. One of my only true friends.

The situation hasn't been helped by the fact that her mother won't let me go to her funeral.. for a number of reasons really based on her mental state. To cut a long story short, she blames me for encouraging her daughter to go to France, where she died.

To me, it just seems I'm counting the days, weeks and months that she's been gone, and she's on my mind a lot.

I just feel very.. confused. I just burst out crying earlier on, then tried to cheer myself up.. then just started feeling down again.

I haven't got a clue how to deal with all the feelings that sit around now, and I just wanted to know how everyone else copes with loss in their life.[/b][/size]

[Mitch]

[color=black][size=1][font=rockwell] I don't know what to say. All I can say is I'm here; I even saw you online last night. I'm kind of bewildered that you didn't bring this up in [i]any[/i] of our AIM conversations, or anything. But that's fine. I suppose you just wanted to give me space, or something.

All I can say, as I said, is I'm here. I can't say much else, because I really don't know what you're feeling all too well.[/color][/size][/font]

[Heaven's Cloud]

[color=indigo]I felt the same way (and sometimes still do) about several people that I have lost during my life. I guess the one that comes to mind most often is my grandfather, who passed away a year and a half ago. My grandfather was my second dad, he raised me and was my best friend. I am more like him then anybody else in my family. I still get emotional when his birthday comes, or during the summer holiday when we visit the family vacation spot.

I guess the only thing I can advise you to do is seek closure. Visit her grave or the place where her ashes have been scattered...I think that finite proof is the only way you can truly cope with such a horrible loss, especially since your friend was so young.

Good luck, Elite. I wish I had some good advice to give you, but I think time the only way to heal emotional wounds.[/color]

[Break]

[size=1][color=crimson]I have no advice to give, but all I can say is to try to accept the fact that she is gone (trust me, it's happened to me too).[/size][/color]

[BabyGirl]

[color=deeppink]I know exactly what you're going through, Elite. My brother died merely two months ago, and I know how depressing it can be. One night Erik and I got into a minor [really really small] tiff and I just started to sob. I couldn't even stop--it's totally understandable that you started crying and had a hard time cheering yourself up. There are days where I can easily stop my sadness, but other days it just makes me more upset.

You can always talk to me about this over AIM when I'm on, I'd be more than willing to talk to someone who feels the same way about something that I do. I think it would probably be beneficial to the both of us :whoops:

(I'll try to get on later today, so hopefully I can catch you then.)[/color]

[Semjaza]

I've not lost any friends. So I don't know how well I can relate.

When I was about 9 years old or so, my father died in a motorcycle accident on his way to work. I was never clear on what happened, but he broke his neck and there was nothing more to be done.

I found this out on a Saturday. My dad's friends stayed the night, they normally live in Panama. We call the guy Low Rider, I don't know his real name (that's what you get for being in a biker family heh).

I woke up, and Low Rider told me that my dad passed away. I didn't know where my mom was. The whole thing was just surreal. At the time, I didn't even believe it. I went in the bathroom and just sat there for hours. I never cried though. Not then, not at the funeral, not at the wake or the reception... nothing. I just [i]couldn't[/i] and til this day I still regret not being able to.

It's best to get these things out. You'll be able to sort it out and put it in the past more easily if you deal with it now. Instead of what I did, and make it seem like it never happened. It comes back to get you, and like I said... It still bothers me.

I'm sure it hurts like hell right now. Whenever you don't have your mind something else, it will be the first thing it goes back to. It's just how things are, and I guess some cope better than others.

It seems to me what you're doing is normal, and really the best thing to do in the end. I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but it's obvious that you only wanted what was best for her. That's all that matters.

[Kei]

[color=royalblue]I'm so sorry for your loss, hon. I can sort of relate to you, as my grandmother died about two years ago on Christmas. I was very close to her, and it hurt me deeply. All I can say is, do what you need to. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. Do what you have to do to feel better. The death of a friend or loved one is a hard thing to get through, and it doesn't take a short time to get over. I'm still sad that my grandma died. You just have to keep on keepin' on. Hold your head up high and smile. Talking about it helps too. I'm here for you, and so are a whole bunch of others if you need it. Just don't hesitate to ask. ^_~[/color]

[DeathKnight]

[color=crimson]I've lost a few friends, so I know what the base of that feels like- But for her mother to do that really pisses me off. Man, if I had been in your shoes, I would have just gone because I had a right to.

I dunno. I'm pretty sure you have some sort of positive way to let out emotion, but if you dont, safe self-mutilation soothes me. o.o; Some people might denounce it openly, but when you have no other means to cope with it positively, suicide starts to dwell on the mind and often controlled bouts of hurting yourself can help you deal with it.

But, in the end, you just have to realize that it isnt often that you can blame someone's death on one person- It isnt feasable unless you killed them yourself with your hands. Therefore, nothing falls on your lap, no matter what her mother says.

I know what it feels like to lose someone, several people around OB do- We all are makeing it, and i'm sure that any of us here would gladly give up our time if you ever need to rant or just talk.

Stay coo, bro.[/color]

[GinnyLyn]

I'm in the midst of losing people myself right now...it just feels like the whole world has shattered around me.

Time heals all wounds, but it still leaves scars. And in the meantime, it aches like all get out for the time to pass. I know I sobbed my heart out last night; it felt like hours, but only minutes had passed. Incredibly painful...

Something I find that helps is immersing myself deeply into some activity. When my uncle had passed away last year, I went to work and I worked hard. I only cried for a minute, the silent, shedding tears type. I've done the same today--pushing myself hard so I don't have to think about what's going on.

Don't ignore the pain, and don't run away from it 24/7. Do recognize the pain, and allow your brain a chance to sort what your heart has difficulty to. Don't dwell on it 24/7, either, though. That's just as dangerous.

Do talk. Out of everything you can do that will help you, talk. And for the rest of you, even silence helps. Just knowing someone's there, even if they feel uncomfortable about what's going on, helps incredibly much so. Don't be ashamed, afraid, or upset if the person in pain begins to cry--it's just a healing process.

I need someone myself right about now...

[Hittokiri Zero]

You've gotta have a "escape" of some sort =\. For me playing soccer is my "escape" I just go out in my backyard dribble the ball around. take a few shots, but the whole time i'm really not thinking of soccer, i'm just thinking of the things around me; what's bothering me. It's kinda a silent way to let it all out. You should try something of the sort, I know it helps me concentrate and just sort out my life. o_o I can't really relate to you, so there's not much I can say. But hopefully something I said can be of some help.

[Lady Macaiodh]

[color=darkblue]I wish I knew. I've never been very good with actually dealing with things. I bury them deep & ignore the pain. I go numb, I think.

The pain is still fresh for you, though. First of all, don't blame yourself, though a part of you probably is. Second, realize that it's going to take time. It's a good thing that you're grieving your friend, especially today on the "anniversary" of her death. Don't try to hold back if you feel angry or sad. If you feel the emotions, let them out, whether you need to cry, scream, punch something, etc. Don't let it fester & get infected like I do.

This is going to sound kind of gross, but think about it like this: If a person is feeling really sick to their stomach, they should just go ahead & puke, rather than trying to hold it back & suffer for hours. They feel better if they just go ahead & let it out. Pain is like that, & grief. The longer you hold it back, the worse you feel.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, Elite. I wish I was there to give you a big, long hug. Something tells me you have one of those rougher-than-normal lives.[/color]

[Juu]

[color=ff00cc] [size=1]*Hands Ger Ger a cookie*

I've never lost anyone before, and I really don't know how to deal with these things, but, if you haven't already, you should go ahead and let out exactly how you feel in your blog. Writing about these things can really make you feel better, even though it might hurt while you're writing it. Don't try to forget about it, just don't blame yourself, or anything about it. Just remember her being a great friend, and remember all the good times you guys had together. :whoops:[/color] [/size]

[Red]

[b][size=1]Thanks for the advice and support, guys.

I still haven't received word from any of her family or friends.. so I suppose they just really don't want to upset her mother. *shrugs*

I'm just gonna go to bed.. lol.[/b][/size]

[Charles]

Ouch man. I know how loss is and I feel for you.

The pain will never truly disappear altogether. I mean, there'll always be moments when you're reminded of her and your heart'll ache. But, during those times, try to remember that you haven't truly lost her.

In a sense, she'll always live within you, in your heart and your memories. No one can take those away from you.

So, that's how I deal with loss. I just remember the person, their positive influence on me, and I think to myself that they're in a better place than we are.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred][size=1]Heh. Tell us the full story; I know it's trite, but sometimes it actually [i]does[/i] help to talk about it. Like seeping the wound to get all the puss out.

I cope with loss by crying my eyes out usually, or being near someone who was close the the person who died. Even making myself a box -- pictures of them, that scarf they used to wear, even a rock or a birthday present from them -- they all go into a box and whenever I'm feeling bad I pull it out and look at it.

Like Charles said; even though it does get better with time, the pain will always be there, but dormant. There'll be a little nagging feeling of loneliness, and this anger of what was taken from you. Chances are, the pain right now is horrible, this huge ache that seems to grow with every minute until the little lump at the back of your throat is choking you, and you need to break down and cry with someone who understands, but you don't feel that there is anyone. It's hard to be happy when every pore is screaming for that person, and you feel like only that person can make it better. And that, because you can't see them again, this ache will never go away. But after a while, you'll smile at that little bit of hair that always curled despite the person's best efforts, or the way their laughter was horrible, and you'll realise that, despite the pain, you have memories. You met this person. Laughed with them. Loved them. You changed there life, no matter how minute, because you were there. And they helped to make you the person you are. Just because a person is dead, doesn't mean they're gone. As long as you remember, everything will get better. Just give it time. [/color][/size]

[Red]

[b][size=1]The full story?

Beatrice (my friend) was offered the chance to go over to France for a very small price. The only thing that would really cost was accomodation outside of Paris, where all her other friends were staying. I told her to go and have a good time, since she was having a rough time after a break up.

As far as I know, she was out of Paris in the country somewhere, and she was driving back on her own. She came off the road at high speed and hit something (I've also yet to find out what she hit, great) and died instantly.

The horrible thing is, when something like this would happen to me, she would be the one I would turn to for advice and comfort.[/b][/size]