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Writing Aaryanna vs. Aberinkula [Poetry Contest]


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[FONT="Tahoma"][CENTER][SIZE="3"][B]Poetry Contest - Round One [/B][/SIZE]

[CENTER][SIZE="4"][B]Aaryanna [/B]vs. [B]Aberinkula[/B][/SIZE]

Topic: [B]Mountains[/B][/CENTER]

[B]Triple Quatrain Poetry[/B][/CENTER]
For this round you are challenged to write a triple Quatrain poem. Now a basic Quatrain is a poem that has four lines and also has a specific rhyming scheme. So for a triple Quatrain, you will be writing twelve lines in groups of four, based on the topic that you have been given. For example:

[CENTER][COLOR="Sienna"][B]Topic: The Fall[/B]

I love the mountains in the fall,
as the leaves begin to turn.
Like decorations for the ball,
it makes my heart just yearn.

Fall colors seem to transcend
with yellow, orange, and browns.
It'll soon cover all the towns
with a warm and hearty blend.

The cool crisp autumn air
there's nothing that can compare.
To this color filled wonder land
what could ever be this grand.[/COLOR][/CENTER]
As you can see in each section the ending lines rhyme with one of the others. And just like the poem, they do not have to be in a specific order. So long as they rhyme, it works. In theory, for this contest, the ending of each line could rhyme with every single one.

Each contestant has till [COLOR="Sienna"][U][B]Friday the 11th[/B][/U][/COLOR] to get their poems in. At which time the voting will begin, sooner if both members submit their poems before the deadline. Now all members are welcome to vote include those involved. If it is the thread you are in though, only comments and critiquing is allowed since obviously you can?t vote for yourself. But definitely take the time to vote on the other entries! Now if there are any questions, be sure to direct them to this thread here: [URL="http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=58871"][U]Poetry Contest[/U][/URL] And now lets have some fun![/FONT]
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[COLOR="DarkGreen"][FONT="Book Antiqua"][CENTER][B]Rockies[/B]

Ragged peaks thrust into the blue sky,
The tops dusted with a pure white dust,
Glimmering softly as the light slowly dies,
They?ll be there tomorrow, in that I trust.

Pale golden light frames the morning day,
Outlining the jagged ridges and ranks,
Slowly and surely the golden sun plays,
Illuminating the firs as they cover the banks.

I stand upon the edge of the soaring cliffs,
They stretch before me, as far as one can see,
The melting snow still gathered in drifts,
Serene Sierras will always be, the home for me.[/CENTER][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[center][SIZE="1"][COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][B][U]Stones Along the Mountain Path[/U][/B]

I climb the stones along this mountain path.
It's chilling up here as I run from the devil's wrath .
While I traverse my way through the treacherous cold,
I will be forever in light, and when I pass I will not be old.

This mountain has become the place of which I will have my final rest.
These hills still capture the mouintan's divine beauty despite my rigorous test.
With strive I'll keep on walking forward, no matter how deep this endless white grows,
And forever I will yearn for the mountain's peaceful wind and where it blows.

Yet, one day I know the endless summer can rise.
But even then, I'll still be climbing into the deep blue skies.
And at the end of this path I will meet with the golden gates of heaven's ally.
Yet, for now I will sleep with the sunset, at the mountain's endless, majestic valley.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/center]
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[FONT=Arial]One small thing.

[B]Aaryanna:[/B] Not sure I like the repetition of "dust" in the second line. "Dusted with dust" just sounds ... well, what else would it be dusted with? :p

[COLOR="DarkRed"]Aber[/COLOR], I think you just tried too dang hard, man. (^_^) I laud the effort, but it just seems like you were going miles out of your way to cram as much philosophy and spirituality into your poem as you possibly could, and it was just too much.

I tell you what, though: if you put that much effort into your fiction, you'll improve tremendously. (^_^)

I vote [B]Aaryanna.[/B][/FONT]
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[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"]Yeah, actually I was just really inspired, I had a flood of emotions so I went from there. And this would be better as a different kind of poem rather than a cuatrain. As for putting that much effort into my fiction: hell yeah it would help.[/SIZE][/COLOR]
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[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][FONT="Lucida Sans Unicode"][B]Aaryanna:[/B] What I like best about your poem is the simplicity. The duplicate word of dust in the second line could be fixed, but it does flow well just the same. I like how it wraps up, the final line, Serene Sierras just paints a nice image in my mind.

[B]Aberinkula:[/B] You got this already, but it holds true. Your poem is a bit too heavy, the ideas are there, but they need to be simplified a bit to make the impact more obvious. As Allamorph said, I think you tried a little too hard. ;)

Now I like both poems, but I do like simplicity better when it comes to poetry so for this round [B]Aaryanna[/B] gets my vote. [/FONT][/COLOR]
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My vote goes to Aaryanna simply for how well it captures that sunny atmosphere of traveling along the mountains. As I was reading it, I felt like was actually on top of the mountains. Very nice!

As others have mentioned already, Aberinkula’s poem was a little too descriptive for my taste, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You got a fancy way with your words, and that’s pretty cool.
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[COLOR="DarkGreen"][FONT="Book Antiqua"][quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial][B]Aaryanna:[/B] Not sure I like the repetition of "dust" in the second line. "Dusted with dust" just sounds ... well, what else would it be dusted with? :p[/FONT][/QUOTE]XP I didn't even notice the repetition.

Also, I agree, with the sentiment that Aberinkula put a lot of thought into their poem. I was thinking that mine was too simple after reading it. It's got a lot in it and makes a good expressive poem. ^_^[/FONT][/COLOR]
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[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][SIZE="1"]You guys don't need to call me Aberinkula, just Aber, or the ol' Prem works fine. :animeswea Thanks Treble & Aaryanna, even though my poem is to big. Personally I think these Quatrains should have short lines, I think my problem was that I was over passionate with my poem, it had nothing to do with having the best one.

And if I could vote/was someone other than me, I'd vote for Aaryanna too, short, simple and very whimsical imo.

[B]@ 8Bit: [/B]Wait, ForgotteÑ-HerÖ? Wha? [/SIZE][/COLOR]
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[FONT="Tahoma"][COLOR="DimGray"][b]ForgotteÑ-HerÖ[/b], your poem sounds very forced. It seems like at some parts you were writing and couldn't think of a rhyme so you looked one up and tried to make a sentence fit. If this ever happens to you again, I would suggest re-writing the quatrain in a different way.

Also be weary of how many syllables are in each line. If the first one has let's say... 5 and the next one has 10 then it sounds very chunky.

It's nice to see your poem actually follows a basic story line. It gives the piece a nice depth (even if the story can be contradicting at parts). If one were to further examine it, they may find deeper meanings to things they overlooked when first reading it.

[b]Aaryanna[/b], your rhymes are pretty well done. Each one flows well to the next. The little alliteration at the end of the poem ("Serene Sierras") does a good job of creating an image in my mind.

While your descriptive words were certainly good and I could really feel the persons passion for those rockies, I think that [i]all[/i] you were doing was just describing mountains leaving your poem a little creative-less (I don't even think that's a word but oh well).

[spoiler]However that's not enough to overlook Prem's long running sentences and forced rhymes[/spoiler] so my vote goes to [spoiler]Aaryanna[/spoiler].[/COLOR][/FONT]
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I guess I'll break the mold here and vote for [B]Aberinkula[/B]. You said you were inspired and I could see that. The references and personification was great. The first stanza was a bit rough, but it got way better. And I know what it's like to have too much info to cram into a little space, and I think you pulled it off fine.

Aaryanna's was just as good, don't get me wrong, but I was just really caught up in Aberinkula's that I had to go back and re-read yours to make sure I remembered it correctly.
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Instead of re-hashing what others already said, I'll simply point out the simplicity vs complexity. When a poem requires reading more than once to get what the author is trying to say... is when I feel the poem has lost it's line of thinking. This isn't a bad thing, but rather one of merely needing to focus that creativity and channel it.

With that thought in mind, I vote for the simplicity and therefore: [B]Aaryanna[/B]
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[size=1]I vote for [b]Aaryanna[/b].

As others have pointed out, I felt like Aby's poem was attempting to cover too much ground. Aaryanna's poem was much more simple, but overall I felt that it was the stronger of the two.

Asa word of warning to Aaryanna, lines like "They’ll be there tomorrow, in that I trust." are awkward from a grammatical standpoint. That sort of thing can pull the reader out of the poem, so to speak. Try to be careful about that in the future, but I thought you did a good job.

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[SIZE="1"][COLOR="HotPink"]As for both of you, I had problems with the rhythm. Not so much the simplicity or the heaviness. Yes, your poem was bit long Prem, The sentence structure really messed up my rhythm, but the last sentence flowed very nicely. But I do appreciate your wording, and emotions. This is definitely your voice coming through.

Aaryanna, yours had a very light-hearted feel. It made me see the sunshine coming over the mountain peaks. This is very nice. But your rhythm was the exact opposite of Prem's. It was cut off too much for me... Or... too short. It didn't flow as much I would've hoped. But I did enjoy the hopefulness in your voice throughout the poem... you really did show me what home meant to you.

As far as voting goes... I don't know. This is hard.

Aberinkula gets my vote for having such spirit. Needless to say, you pwned too, Aaryanna. [/COLOR][/SIZE]
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[COLOR="DarkOrchid"][FONT="Times New Roman"][i]Not to beat the dead horses further, but I believe some beating never hurt things that were already dead.

[b]Aryanna:[/b] Simple yet poignant. A plus.

Aber: Very daring, but perhaps too daring?[/i][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[size=1]Prem, I'm sorry, but like everyone else has said, I think you tried to put too much into your poem and it back-fired against you slightly. Underneath everything extra, it's a good, solid, poem, but I have to look at it from the whole work and I think it's too chunky, and a bit too awkward to read.

Aaryanna, by comparison, I don't want to sound repetitive here, but again I agree with what others have said, I liked the simplicity of your poem, it deals with the subject matter concisely and directly, but also has a very obvious sense of connection to the speaker. I also agree with Allamorph though, "dusted with dust" didn't work for me.

So, my vote goes pretty clearly to [b]Aaryanna[/b].[/size]
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For reasons stated by others already (lack of rhythm, longevity etc.), [I]Aberinkula[/I]'s poem just doesn't work for me. [I]Aaryanna[/I]'s poem is perhaps a bit too simplistic for my taste, but out of these two, I give my vote to [B]Aaryanna[/B].
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[B]Aaryanna[/B] - There isn't much to tell that hasn't already been said. The issue with the duplicate word, only describing the mountains, etc. But all together it has a nice simple flow that is beautiful to read.

[B]Prem[/B] - You've heard it already so I won't repeat it. But I do agree with Allamorph, channel that creativity into your stories, you've got a lot to work with there.

For the simple beauty of[B] Aaryanna[/B]'s poem, she gets my vote.
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[FONT="Tahoma"]Thank you very much everyone for your poems and participation on all sides. With Aaryanna receiving 11 votes and Aberinkula 2 votes...[B] Aaryanna[/B] wins this round. Congratulations! You advance to the second round. :catgirl:[/FONT]
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