Lady Macaiodh Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 [COLOR=darkblue][size=1]As some of you know, I haven't been doing so well. I thought I was okay, until the funeral. After that, I lost it. The next day, my oncologist informed me that the cancer was coming back. "This is too much," I told myself. So I took all my money (a significant amount) and just took off without telling my parents where I was going. I drove for a few hours and ended up at the beach, at my friend's beach house. I had a lot of fun, riding the jet-skis, swimming, just talking to her, etc. But even so, I started to feel claustrophobic. So I left there and checked into the ritziest hotel in VA beach. As you can imagine, the money ran out quick. After a week of this (Tony can attest to the fact), I was sick of it, so I went to my brother Jon's apartment. He almost had a nervous breakdown just looking at me. He called my parents and they picked me up, drove my car home and everything. That's when the panic attacks started. I could literally feel my heart stopping in my chest. I was afraid to go to sleep, for fear my heart would just stop and I would die. I imagined my mother finding my body. I couldn't breathe. I could practically hear Christophe screaming at me from heaven, to keep fighting, to make him proud, that I had a purpose. So as much as I hate hospitals, I checked myself in. That's how scared I was. The doctors told me that I was suffering from severe anxiety disorder. They put me on a IV full of magnesium sulfate to calm me down. They said that if I didn't calm down, I could die. So, today, a week later, I still have a gigantic bruise where they put the needle in (incompitant nurses -- I told them to put it in my hand, that the veins in my arm were practically non-existant, but they wouldn't listen). I went back tp school Monday. Human Anatomy, Developmental Psych, and Women's Health. Anatomy nearly drove me insane. Psych related to so much of my life that I broke down in tears four different times. I hate school right now. But what else am I supposed to do? Wallow in misery forever? Mooch off my parents for the rest of my life? That's not even the half of it, since he died. That's not even one percent of it. But I don't have time to write about it now. I've got homework and studying to do, and Clonapin to take. And if any of you are wondering why I feel this way, here it is.[/size][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Macaiodh Posted August 30, 2003 Author Share Posted August 30, 2003 [COLOR=darkblue][[size=1]I know this against the rules, but, you know what, I don't care right now, so delete my dead son's picture if you want, ban me, suck me, whatever. I know I'm acting like a total *** right now but I just can't seem to care. He deserves to remembered, and seen.[/size][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pantalaimon Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 OMG! OMG!! I am so sorry you really haven't had a good life have and again I am so sorry i'm sure u can get through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheShinje Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 [size=1] I don't really know what to say, I have said that i am here for you LadyM /Deb, even if you don't know me too well. I can't even begin to imagine the pain. I'm sorry for your loss and I'll continue to pray for you, and give you support. Christophe does deserve to be remembered, his life was short, but he's there with you in spirit. [/size] Regards, Shinji Ikari. [i]Here to lend an ear[/i] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baron Samedi Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 Words fail me. What can anyone say in something like this, nothing that really matters anyway. My sincerest regrets in this, such a lousy lot in life is not fair for anyone to be burdened by. I am no Christian, but if there is, and maybe even if there isn't, I am sure that your sons memory, if not spirit, will be there for always. Take comfort, however weak, in the sorrow of OB and relatives friends etc., of your plight. Regards, Baron. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sakura Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 I'm speechless. I don't really know you very well but I'm here for you anyways. Little Christophe does deserve to be remembered.I'm sure he's watching you and hoping you'll get better and I hope it gives you strength through this time of trouble. I'm so sorry for what has happened to you.It's terrible of what has happened. I am Christian so I'll say that I'm sure God is watching from above and I'm sure little Christophe is with him and that they're both watching you hoping that you'll get better and not be burdened by the pain and suffering.Just remember he's always with you in spirit even if he's physically gone from you. Just remember you can take comfort in the OB members and family,relatives,close friends.Never think you have to go through these things alone.There will always be someone,somewhere that cares for you. Sincerest Regards ~Ohkami Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matto Tradagen Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 [color=navy] [i] I am terribly sorry for what has befallen you. My deepest sympathy. It's a shame such a young, early life ended so fast. But there's no way around these things, really. The same thing happenes almost every second of everyday. It's the way the world works, I guess. Your son should always be remembered, but try not to dwell on his death. It will probably only make your anxiety worse. Don't carry the weight of the dead on your emotions. I hope you overcome this anxiety and heal from what has happened. I don't know you, but what has happened doesn't really deserve to happen to anyone. ~Matto[/color][/i] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 in my opinion, the only way Christophe is really truly dead is if you forget the memories. if you forget Christophe. and you wont. and when your gone, in a way, he will be immortal on the boards. (gives hug to lady Macaiodh) i am so so sorry about your cute baby, i remember when you were talking about him before he was born...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RicoTranzrig Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 [color=darkblue]It?s hard to figure out what to say. I feel for you, Deb, despite that your pain surpasses anything I?ve ever felt in my life. I don?t know, I?m not one to understand something I?ve never experienced. Liberation is an idea that?s always helped me through rough spots. When looking at my life from far away, it?s a much different perspective than living in it. I left the U.S. to spend some time in the Philippines with some relatives ?cause I couldn?t stand going to school anymore and dealing with all that extra stuff that happened. A few months ago, I couldn?t take some emotional pain so I drove up north and spent some time around Mt. Shasta, California. On those trips away from home, I came back?and it didn?t feel so bad, even though the memory still remains. Both were supported by my parents. There are questions that only you have the right to answer; I hope that gives you some insight. [/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 You and your son are in my prayers. I feel terrible for you. You are going through so much and it is hard to handle. But you are strong L_M. Stay strong! I will pray for you all of the time. God Bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest King_Cloud690 Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 Well I ummmmm don't know what to say! I guess that the thing all people would say is that they are sorry and will always be sorry. Well I am sorry for you. But you do have to understand that you cannot always think about his death. If that is all you do you will never get anywhere. You will be a much better person for dealing with it and saying that it has been done then just dwelling on it for the rest of your life! Yes it was a tragedy and it should not ever happen anywhere on this planet but it has. And for that you must question it! Why has his life been taken. Peoples lifes are not taken for an absolute no good reason! There has to be a reason! They cannot just die and say that's it im dead and everything for me is done. There must be something to do. So in the end to dwell on the past is stupid, but to put things aside is smart! Like I have said you will be a much better person to put it aside and deal with it. My respects go out to you and your family and once again I am sorry. I hope that this death does not cause problems for you or anyone else related!So I wish you well and hope that this horrific thing does not ever happen again! But thats all we can do isnt it! All we can do is hope, and maybe things will turn out all right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Macaiodh Posted August 30, 2003 Author Share Posted August 30, 2003 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by RicoTranzrig [/i] [color=darkblue]Liberation is an idea that?s always helped me through rough spots. When looking at my life from far away, it?s a much different perspective than living in it. I left the U.S. to spend some time in the Philippines with some relatives ?cause I couldn?t stand going to school anymore and dealing with all that extra stuff that happened. A few months ago, I couldn?t take some emotional pain so I drove up north and spent some time around Mt. Shasta, California. On those trips away from home, I came back?and it didn?t feel so bad, even though the memory still remains. Both were supported by my parents. [/color] [/QUOTE] [COLOR=darkblue][size=1]See, that's the problem. I've spent my whole life running. Running away from home, just taking off with whatever truck-driver or friends who would pay or just hopping trains. Running away from my problems. Escaping through drugs. But, you see, I can't do that anymore. Escape doesn't cure it. It only makes it go away for a little while. Then, when you finally come home (Home? What is that?) it comes crashing down on you all the more, and harder. So I'm sick of running. It doesn't solve anything. Clear my mind? It only makes my mind more muddled up. I can't just distract myself anymore. I have to deal with this. I'm starting to, but I never imagined how hard it would be: dealing with negative emotions. Noooo, I don't do that. But if I don't, it's going to eat me alive. For any of you who hasn't seen the movie [i]Chigaco,[/i] you should definitely see it. My favorite number in the Tango. [i]Pop. Six. Squish. Uh-Uh. Cisero. Lip****z.[/i] He had it comin'.[/size][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandit Joeykuba Posted August 30, 2003 Share Posted August 30, 2003 I'm sorry this happened to you Lady M. No one deserves to lose a child. Even if your not a christian, I'll still be praying for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiroMunkie Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 [size=1]He looks like a procelain doll in the second photo. That is almost symbolic. Deb, I really wish I had a way to help you, comfort you, and give you all that you really deserve... I really do. It saddens me, and others I am definately sure, to see you this way. I know I do not know you too well, but just from reading about what has happened to you is enough to conjure up whatever sympathy dwells internally. The 'turning to drugs' part saddens me the most. I really hate to see people do that to themselves, and I usually dislike those that do it but I understand your situation. I only hope that you will stray from that in the future if you have not made that choice already. I wish I could give you a token of some kind; something of mine. I want you to know that you are never alone. All I can give you is what you can imagine. For now, I want you to imagine an embracing, deep hug, and know that I am never letting go.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sephiroth Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 Lady M, as said in your previous thread, I am sorry to hear of your loss (even though I know no matter how many times people will apologise to you the pain will still be there). I cannot imagine what it must feel like to lose your child but I can imagine it to be possibly the worst pain in the world, greater than that of any physical pain. As for the whole "running" issue, I myself went through something similar after my mother passed away, drugs were my main problem, trying to ease the pain from getting high or sniffing coke. At the end of the day it just comes back and kicks you in the *** and sooner or later you have to realise that it's time to move on and get your ******* together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flava Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 Even though I'm new and I don't know you... you have my condolences. To tell you the truth, I'm at a lost of words. I don't know what it's like to have a child. The only thing that I and others on this board (most likely) can do for you is support you in your time of need. I was once told that if a baby is taken away, he or she is really an angel... Just as long as you hold on to the memories you have of Christophe, he'll be with you, always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nats Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 Like I said in your other thread I'm sooo sorry that baby Christophe died. It really shows that life is very precious and fragile. And also yesterday I was told that our school caretaker died the day before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkM Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 when ever dealing with problems i usually turn to music. im also haveing a tough time right now so im currently learning how to play 'the scientist' by coldplay on the piano. its going okay. so when ever im felling down i just think about playing it. i fell so bad for you it must be unbareable! but hang in there things will probally never be the same but that dosn't mean they have to be bad. Your son will be dearly missed and will be in all our prayers. Im sorry ladym it must be hard to even talk about it so i will refrain from saying more. Hang in there, Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 I give you my sympathies and hopes that you get better. Beyond that, it's up to you. -Corey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Epitome Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 Lady M, my regards go out to you. Even though we didnt know each other too well, I feel the pain of your loss. I lost one of my best friends to cancer, and I know it wasnt your best friends that died, it was your newborn, but I know how it feels... I want you too get better. My prayers will always be with you and I hope that you can get through these hard times. I was on the run when my loss occured as well. Dont keep running, let people help you. Let people talk to you. Thats all I can really say. And even though we didnt know each other too well, I still want you to get better and my prayers are with you and Christophe. With all my prayers, HV Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vegitto4 Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 :( I still know that I have no words that could possibly console you. It's to hard to even try. Your always in my thoughts, I hope you know that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pagan Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 Words can't express how sad I am for your lost. Its hard to acceptthe death of a child espeically such a young one. I went through something like what your going through when my mom lost my little brother in labor; it was really hard to deal with at first but with time I felt a little better as time progress. I still think about him every year and my family lights candles on his birthday. Just remeber to keep him alive in side of your heart and he will really never be dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Macaiodh Posted August 31, 2003 Author Share Posted August 31, 2003 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Vegitto4 [/i] [B]:( I still know that I have no words that could possibly console you. It's to hard to even try. Your always in my thoughts, I hope you know that. [/B][/QUOTE] [COLOR=darkblue][size=1]**smacks him, as a joke** Call me, you idiot! (Joke, but not the part about you calling me.) I am a Christian, a very strong one, in fact. Ironically, this has all brought me closer to Jesus than ever. I can just imagine my son in heaven, growing up there, how happy he must be, how lucky he is to escape the misery of this world and meet Jesus face-to-face. I can't wait to meet him, for him to rush into my arms for the first time, calling "Mama!" It will be beautiful. But I can't wait for the rest of my life to happen as well. It's going to be beautiful, too. PS: We know the secret -- Jesus was behind the couch the whole time. Just think on that, everyone. He's right behind every corner, waiting to embrace us all in his loving arms.[/size][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queen Asuka Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 [color=hotpink][size=1]Well Deborah, you know I love you and that I'm always here. I'm glad to be one of the people that you talk to. I enjoy every minute of our phone conversations. Ah, especially today when we just sort of go off on the weird subjects... Christophe is beautiful. I especially love that second picture. He does look like an angel, just like you said. :)[/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted August 31, 2003 Share Posted August 31, 2003 [size=1] After telling myself I wouldn't post in this thread, I guess I won't...at least in the manner I wanted to, I guess. All I have to say is that it is good that you have God to hold onto then. May it make you want to live longer and fuller and die stronger and happier. Basically, the matter is that you, as well as I, do not know if there is such a place as heaven or hell, or God. But it certainly isn't my place to tell you that's wrong...and it certainly isn't. I just hope that you get heaven then, and see your son. But you do not know. There may be nothing. But I could be wrong in my faiths as well...there could well be something. Yet that doesn't matter. If you believe in something, it makes you stronger. That is not what I believe, obviously...we even discussed it in our few convos we had. That is nearly all I have to say. I am sure after a long enough time that you'll be able to be fully over this chapter of your life here on this Earth. Perhaps you already are coping; because believing more fully in God is certainly coping. That is all I have to say then.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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