eleanor Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 [font=trebuchet ms]This thread is more a way for me to write out my retrospective feelings on my life right now, so it will probably be long and rambling, but the topic of choice is just the bitter pill. The time in your life, past or present, where you fell and you were kicked on the side and you had to pick yourself up anyway. From a privileged 17-year-old girl living in the suburbs, my problems might seem inconsequential or selfish, but from what experience I have in life the past month has been the most insane roller coaster of feelings I've ever had. For me, college was the light at the end of the tunnel. During high school I found my niche, I made great friends, loved newspaper, but I absolutely fantasized about going to my dream colleges and learning and taking in everything from intelligent and hardworking people. And if there was something I ever worked my *** off for, it was school. Managing a 4.0 GPA with 10 APs, fervent studying for that 2400, balancing several head leadership positions and coming home every day to an empty house and studying hours into the morning just to ace the calculus quiz. Every activity I really invested my time into and loved, not just for college but because I loved working with my high school's most brilliant students and winning and beating other schools, every teacher I sucked up to even though I hated their guts, volunteer hours I crammed in over the years to make my application stronger, everything I did for the past two years for my future, now seems worthless and stupid and disgusting. College admissions this year was brutal. Record applicants across the board, acceptance rates sinking to the single digits, the bias and arbitrary nature of admissions committees, having your application read at the right time by the right person, having legacy (or double), blah blah blah. But in the end, I was screwed, or I didn't measure up, or whatever. The week before March 31/April 1 I would wake up hours before my alarm went off sweating because I had a nightmare that I was rejected everywhere and had to live at home forever. During school on March 31 I threw up in the school bathroom, having students being testy and bitchy with each other because we were all afraid of being rejected from the Ivies, spending the next day skipping school under my mom's nose because I couldn't deal with my friends' happy faces about getting into their dream school. My best friends could list off the places they got into on both hands: MIT, CalTech, Columbia, Yale, Cornell, Princeton, UPenn, every college on the top 20 list, it was there and they got in. People for a while thought I was in on it, too, but in reality was rejected everywhere, wait listed at another, and accepted to my two safety schools. For days I analyzed everything I had to everything my friends' had: SAT scores, GPAs, leadership positions, race, economic status, how hard they studied and why the hell I hadn't gotten in as well. I thought about the essay I had written for college, the one I poured my entire heart into and cried hysterically while writing because it touched the deepest feelings I ever had and never told anyone. But I told it to people I didn't know, sitting in some office, looking at my numbers and test scores, and a damn essay, deciding my future. I became bitter, and more bitter when I found out the Hispanic girl in my 1st period class got into Emory but I got wait listed. The friend's friend who took 3 APs got into Northwestern, because she had double legacy. I wanted to tear my heart out and go outside and scream "****" at the top of my lungs. I wanted to punch my friends in the face when they said I'd be happy at University of Georgia, because they had all gotten into their dream schools with no problems and no hassle and had no idea how I felt. The first time I made my feelings public for my friends, one of the first responses I got was a "**** you, Ginny", because I needed to get over myself and college. My mom called my sister the night I heard from my last college, and from upstairs I listened and heard her call me a "disappointment who couldn't even get into Emory", and I went outside and sat next to my garage and cried forever. Between UGA and NYU, I forced myself to choose UGA, but it only dug me deeper into my hole. I completely blew off all school work for a week. I completed zero assignments, class work, failed that week's tests and quizzes and for once I couldn't give a crap about it anyway. To me my life was over and college would be another four years to live through until graduate school. All of my work never amounted, and when prying Asian mothers from church asked my mother where I was going, it killed me to hear "UGA" as the answer. I had wanted to impress everyone- get into some stellar school and leave no one with the doubt that I was maybe stupid and lazy. It took me a while to wake out of my self-imposed, arrogant, and immature view of what had happened to me, but when I did I felt as if I had aged five years. I fully realized, for the first time, that our co-valedictorians were happy with the fact that they were going to Georgia Tech. That one of my best friends was going through it worse than me, because she had gotten into Northwestern but couldn't go because her parents refused to pay, that some of the smartest, most brilliant, and most hard-working people I knew were paying the deposit fee for UGA. These people had gotten into stellar schools, but knew the reality of finances and could not turn down a free UGA with the HOPE scholarship (an amazing deal for any Georgia resident). I realized the merits of what I had received. An invitation to the UGA Honors program, a debt-free education, an easier way to get the 4.0 again and try it over with graduate school. I remembered the day after Ivy decisions came out, when my first period teacher gave a lecture about life to his students, most of them heartbroken and dead in the eyes, that sometimes you got the bitter pill and you just dealt with it, and now we have to study the government of Nigeria so pull yourself together. This past month has been both a blessing and a catastrophe. Yes, my parents still look at me sometimes with sad eyes, yes, I still think about how wonderful I would feel if I had gotten into Columbia, yes, I still feel somewhat bitter. I've learned what it really means to fight for what you want. Once again I've been whipped into action, accepting UGA, but still holding onto the slim hope that I'll get off the Emory wait list: pulling my grades up again, calling my counselor, doing everything I can to strengthen my application. But now I know that if I do or don't get off the wait list, there was no lesson lost or moral forgotten. If you read this entire thing, I really appreciate it. If you think it's not appropriate for OB, I see where you're coming from; delete this thread if you feel the need to. This was the only place I could post what I wanted without having people I know personally read it but still have people read it and really take it in. I expect judgment from anyone who reads it, but it comforts me to know that people I know at school won't have to. [/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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