Share Some Good Jokes

[Horendithas]

[COLOR="Indigo"]Heh, that's a good one Gavin. And since we are talking about stuff that was e-mailed... A friend send me this the other day. I'm assuming it's a joke. I certainly hope so.


Can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

It is the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.[/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]I think you're probably right that it's a joke Crystia, I mean only seven cases of fraud involving members of Congress ? That can't be right. :animesmil[/SIZE]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Gavin][SIZE="1"']I think you're probably right that it's a joke Crystia, I mean only seven cases of fraud involving members of Congress ? That can't be right. :animesmil[/SIZE][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]Hey, that's only seven [I]arrested[/I] for fraud. That's not including the times they got away with it.[/FONT]

[Vicky]

[SIZE=1]Here's a real life joke [strike]me! Aha! I'm a joke![/strike]. I was in the pizza shop ordering a pizza, and the guy says "do you want it cutting into six slices or twelve?" and I went "six, there's no way I could eat twelve".

=/

And by the way, Chuck Norris jokes... worse jokes in the world. Sorry, they just kinda suck.

I'll edit this post when I find my joke book. I have some awesome pick-up lines for you guys ;).[/SIZE]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][quote name='Vicky'][SIZE=1]
And by the way, Chuck Norris jokes... worse jokes in the world. Sorry, they just kinda suck.
[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

[B]!~THANK YOU!~![/B]

Two men were walking down the street when one spoted six men kicking and punching his mother-in-llaw. "[B]Are you going to help?"[/B] asked his friend.
[B]"No"[/B] he replied [B]"Six should be enough."[/B]

[B]A life question:[/B] Why do long dresses make women look shorter, when short dresses make men look longer?
***

[B]Things you'll never hear a woman say to another woman:[/B]
[LIST=1]
[*]His new girlfriend is thinner and prettier than me, and I'm happy for both of them.
[*]He hearned more than I did, so I broke up with him
[*]Oh look! That woman is wearing the same dress as me! I think I'll go introduce myself.
[*]That swimsuit really flatters your figure. Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
[*]If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I go all moody.I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers. Give me a good old waiter with a heart of gold any day.
[*]we're redecoratingteh bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help with the color scheme.
[*]I just realized: my butt doesn't look fat in this - my butt is fat!
[*]he talks our relationship to death! It's driving me crazy!
[*]why can't I find a guy who just wants a one-night stand?
[/LIST]
***
The Jewish rule on coffee - Hebrews

According to popular belief, when god was creating the world, he called Man aside and bestowed pon him twety years of sex life. Man was horrified and demanded more, but God refused to reconsider.
then God called the Monkey aside and awarded him twenty years of sex life.
[B]''But I don't need twenty years. All I need is ten."[/B]
Hearing this, Man spoke up and said?: [B]"God can I have the other ten?" [/B] The monkey agreed to let let Man have the other ten.
Then god called the lion aside an dgave him twenty years of sex life. The lion said that ten would be sufficient, whereupon Man asked for the other ten and the lion agreed.
Then God called the donkey aside and gave him twenty years of sex life. [B]"I don't need twenty years, ten is plenty."[/B] Once again Man asked for the other ten, and was duly given them.
All this explains why Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an *** out of himself.[/COLOR]

[Tetra of sound]

It's true. Chuck Norris WAS in the original MegaMan! There are only a very low amount of those left. Anyway, here are the jokes.

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a boy were on a plane. The pilot says the plane is going to crash, so he takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane. There are 3 parachutes left.

Doctor: " I need a parachute. I save lives. " * Takes parachute *

Lawyer: " I need a parachute. I'm the smartest person in the world. " * Takes parachute *

Priest: " I do not need to live. you can have my parachute. "

Boy: " Thats okay. The smartest person in the world took my backpack. "




[B]~~~The Texas Midget~~~[/B]




A midget goes to the doctor.

Midget: Help me, Doctor! My balls hurt.

Doctor: Hold still. * Grabs scissors *

The midget is so scared, he closes his eyes.

* snip * * snip * * snip *

Midget: They don't hurt anymore. What did you do?

Doctor: I trimmed the rims of your boots.


[B][U]I hope you like them! I'll have more soon![/U][/B]

[Udon]

[COLOR="SeaGreen"][SIZE="2"]Well um.. I just got these jokes from popsicle sticks a but thier not much of a joke.:animeswea

Why did the picture go to jail?
Because he was framed!

What do you call a horse who rides in the night?
A nightmare!

What kind of magic did the Dino use?
A Tyranosaurus hex!

Why didnt the skeliton cross the road?
Because he didnt have the guts to do it!

What does a book do when its a detective?
He goes undercover!

What did the nickle name his daughter?
Penny!

Yea I know, these are kind of lame...[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Blayze]

[SIZE=1]Someone phones Admiral Car Insurance Company every 7 seconds.
What a nutter.

Sorry, that one was just to break the ice a little. I have plenty more where that came from though:

[B]What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?[/B]
Nothing - you already told the ***** twice

[B]What do you call a woman with one black eye?[/B]
Quick learner

Do I dare go into the dead baby jokes? Yes. Yes I do.

[B]What sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?[/B]
Baby with a cheese grater (similar to the earlier one about the nun, I know)
[B]
What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?[/B]
Baby with deflated armbands

[B]What's red and silver and runs into walls?
[/B]Baby with forks in it's eyes

[B]What's green and silver and lies on the floor?
[/B]Same baby three weeks later

Another fairly sick joke:

[B]What's better than winning the paralympics?
[/B]Having legs

And now some nice clean musician jokes:

[B]What's got three legs and a penis on top?
[/B]Drum stool

[B]How can you tell when there's a drummer at the door?
[/B]The knock speeds up

[B]How can you tell when there's a lead vocalist at the door?
[/B]He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in

[B]How can you tell when there's a trombonist at the door?
[/B]His hat says "Pizza Delivery"

[B]What's a bassoon good for?
[/B]Firewood

[B]What's an oboe good for?
[/B]Lighting a bassoon

And one of those long ones:

Three men get stranded on a desert island, and get captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals take the guys back to their camp, and say:

[B]"You must each go out into the jungle and find five of the same fruits. Then you must come back here."

[/B]So the men go into the jungle, and soon enough the first one comes back with five apples in his arms. So the cannibals come over to him and say:

[B]"Now you must shove all five apples up your rear end. If you do not manage it, we will kill you and eat you."

[/B]The man tries, but doesn't even manage one. The cannibals kill him and eat him. Soon after, the second man comes back with five grapes. The cannibals say:

[B]"You must shove all five grapes up your rear end. If you do not manage it, we will kill you and eat you."

[/B]The second man begins this challenge, and manages to shove four grapes up himself before he starts laughing like a madman and falls onto the floor, losing the last grape. The cannibals then kill him and eat him too.

Up at the pearly gates, the second man meets the first, who asks him:

[B]"You were so close! You almost got all five grapes up there, but then you failed at the last moment. Why did you start laughing like that?"

[/B]To which the second man replies:

[B]"I just saw the third guy coming back to the camp with five pineapples."

[/B]Haha, jokes all round. I couldn't think of a more pleasant way of saying "shoving fruit up your arse," so I had to resort to calling it the "rear end."

Finally, the piece de resistance:

[/SIZE][B][SIZE=1]Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
[/SIZE][/B][SIZE=1]He was outstanding in his field!

Whoah, that's a lot of jokes...
[/SIZE]

[2010DigitalBoy]

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]Oi. Do we really need te dead baby jokes? They're rather disgusting - I know I personally do not wish to be subject to them >_>. If they continue, I might have to crack out the pedophilia jokes and light this thread on fire.[/COLOR]

[Boo]

[quote name='2007DigitalBoy'][COLOR="DarkOrange"]If they continue, I might have to crack out the pedophilia jokes and light this thread on fire.[/COLOR][/QUOTE][size=1]Or you could choose not to. :)

[b]It's grey and hangs in a tree.[/b]
A cluster of elephants.

Best joke ever. You might as well close the thread now to save the other people the embarassement of posting jokes that don't even slightly match up to the above one.[/size]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Vicky][SIZE=1']And by the way, Chuck Norris jokes... worse jokes in the world. Sorry, they just kinda suck.[/SIZE][/quote]
[FONT=Arial]What, you didn't actually think we were using them for [I]humor[/I], did you?

I tell you what, it is [I]so hot[/I] over here....
[indent][I](how hot is it, A–?)[/I][/indent]
Thank you. It is [I]so hot[/I], I just saw two trees fighting over a dog. [I]*rim shot*[/I] I've also temporarily stopped riding my bicycle because I'm afraid that if I crash on the sidewalk I'll cook to death.

[U]Insult one-liners:[/U]

"You're about as stimulating as a mouthful of sawdust."

"She's the only woman in the world who can walk down a bowling alley while the game is on."

"He looks like the third day of the Lost Weekend."

"Is that your nose, or are you looking through a periscope?"[/FONT]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][B]How do you make a cat bark?[/B]
Poor gas on it, light a match and it goes 'WHOOOFF!"

So a ga walks on the beach and he hears a young woman crying. He goes to check who it is, it's a woman with no arms or legs.[B] "Why are you crying ma'am?" [/B]The man asked. The girl was sobbing ucontrollably.

[B]"Oh, I just wnat to kill myself!"[/B] The girl cried. [B]"If only someone would hug me!" [/B]So the man nodded and picked her up. So he squeezes tightly around her body. [B]"Thank you sir!"[/B] she said happilly.

a few minutes later, the man hears her crying again. So he goes to check up on her. [B]"Now what's wrong?"[/B] The man asked as the girl was crying.

[B]"Oh, I've just never been kissed before, no one wants to kiss a limbless woman."[/B] So the man picked her up and kisses her on the lips. She blushes as the man puts her down. [B]"Oh thank you ever so much!"[/B] She said again.

While the man is laying on the sand he hears the girl cying again. Now it's just getting annoying. [B]"Now what's wrong!"[/B] He yells. The girl starts sobbing again.

[B]"Well, I've never been screwed before." [/B]She then continues her sobbing fit. So the man picks her up, takes her stubby arms and throws her in the water.

[B]"Ha, now you're screwed!" [/B]

[B]How careers end:[/B]
[LIST]
[*]Electricians are delighted.
[*]Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented
[*]Alpine climbers are dismounted
[*]Atist's models are disposed
[*]Cooks are deranged
[*]Office clerks are defiled
[*]Programmers are decoded
[*]Holy people are disgraced
[*]Perfume makers dissent
[*]Students are degraded
[*]Bodybuilders are rebuffed
[*]Underware models are debriefed
[*]Painters are discolored
[*]Gamblers are discarded
[*]Tree surgeons disenbark
[/LIST]

A man trained in origami for eight years opened a shop in London.
But the business folded.

Awoman consulted a psychiatrist over problems se was having with her sexlife. The psychiatrist aksed her a series of questions but did not appear to get a clear pciture of her rpoblems. Finally he asked: [B]"Do you ever look at your husband's face while having sex?"[/B]
[B]"Well yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Really angry."
"Now this is very interesting. We must delve deeper into this. Tell me, you say you have only seen your husbands face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."[/B]
***

Boo, that joke wasn't funny, but this one is!

[B]What's green and hangs from trees?[/B]
Giraffe snot.

[B]"Doctor, doctor! Every time I sneese I have an orgasm!"
"What do you take for it?"
"Ground pepper."[/B][/COLOR]

[Vicky]

[quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial]What, you didn't actually think we were using them for [I]humor[/I], did you?

[/FONT][/QUOTE]

[SIZE=1][I]Quiet you. ¬_¬[/i]

Blonde jokes, I found my joke book!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a [strike]blonde[/strike] [i]idiot[/i] in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow. XP

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.[/SIZE]

[KitThe Fox]

Everyone's doing it, doing it, doing it. Picking their nose and chewing it, chewing it. They think its candy but its snot.

Yeah.....randomness between friends that made me laugh so hard...
Of course I'm easily amused ^^

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]I got this email from a friend a while back and I thought it was funny. So now I'll share it with everyone else... then send it around.

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that
always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close
to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that
really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot
revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever
is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every
chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories
about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit
whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until
you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy
***.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask?
Because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest
friends, then get depressed because you can only think of
two, and one of them isn't speaking to you anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good
friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever
need to bring a shovel.

And now for a dumb joke:

Why did Bob fall off the bike?

Because he was a fish

And now some not [i] as[/i] dumb jokes- I'm in a mood so most of them are men bashing.

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Give him a shovel

Q: Why did God create men first?
A: To show that even God loves a good joke

Q: Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice his son when he was twelve?
A: Because if He waited until he was a teenager then it wouldn't be a sacrifice.[/color][/font]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"][quote name='ChibiHorsewoman'][color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]
I'm in a mood so most of them are men bashing.
[/color][/font][/QUOTE]

CHW is a meanie :(

[B]A Man's Guide to Womanspeak:[/B]
She says: I can't believe how skinny liz hurley ahs become!
She means: I've put on weight

She says: You know a lot of men like girls with fuller figures.
She means: I've put on weight

She says: You can't trust dress sizes in shops these days.
She means: I've put on weight

She says: Go on, it's your birthday -enjoy yourself.
She means: Take me out to dinner.

She says: Thanks for washing hte dishes.
She means: I wonder if he's having an affair?

She says: You don't think this outfit is too young for me, do you?
She means: Think very carefully before answering. Your life could depend on it.

She says: It's your decision, dear.
She means: Provided I agree with it.

She says: He wasn't a real boyfriend - I didn't like him that much anyway.
She means: He dumped me

She says: You're more like a brother to me.
She means: I find you psysically reppelent.

She says: I'll be ready in two minutes
She means: Give or take an hour.

If a woman's alone in a forest and she keeps talking, is she still complaining?

The reason god doesn't return to eart is becasue over 2000 years ago he got a Jewish woman pregnant, and they haven't stopped talking about it since.

[B]What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness with a ghost?[/B]
Somone who knocks on your door for nothing.

So a man walks into churchand says: [B]"Holy **** father, I just won the lottery!"[/B]
The preist turned around. [B]"Please don't swear son. Now how much did you win?"[/B]
[B]"well father, I won a million dollars." [/B]The preist's eyes bulged out. [B]"No ****!" [/B]he replied.[/COLOR]

[Andy]

[FONT="Book Antiqua"][SIZE="2"]Family Guy - Peter Griffin quote

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You don't know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

[B]Hilarious[/B].[/SIZE][/FONT]

[Allamorph]

[quote name='Vicky][SIZE=1][I]Quiet you. ¬_¬[/i'][/SIZE][/quote]
[FONT=Arial][I]Oh rly?[/I] :smirk:

[B]Q:[/B] How do you kill a blonde?
[list][*][B]A:[/B] Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
[*][B]A:[/B] Hand her a knife and ask her a question. [I](der, der-derrr!)[/I][/list]


[B]Q:[/B] Another way to drive a blonde crazy?
[B]A:[/B] Put her in a spherical room and tell her to sit in the corner.


[B]Q:[/B] How does a blonde drive [I]you[/I] crazy?
[B]A:[/B] She comes back later and tells you she [I]did[/I] sit in the corner.


A man is driving on in Louisiana when he sees a blonde some distance off the road, waist deep in bayou, carrying a high-power rifle and surrounded by alligator corpses. Curious, he stops the car and calls out to her.

[B]"Hey miss! What'cha doing out there?"[/B]

She replied: [B]"I'm hunting alligators, but I'm getting really mad. I've shot eight so far, and not one of them has been wearing shoes!"[/B][/FONT]

[Shinmaru]

[quote name='Nerdsy'][color=deeppink]Q: Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman![/color][/QUOTE]

This is still by far the funniest joke in the thread.

I've been trying to find some good, old-fashioned necrophilia jokes, but I can't find any funny enough to bother posting. Maybe I should just post links to all the necrophilia-related Sexy Losers comics; I don't suppose you can get any better than those, haha. Necrophilia humor is so much fun. :)

[SunfallE]

[COLOR="goldenrod"][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][quote name='Allamorph'][FONT=Arial]Hey, that's only seven [I]arrested[/I] for fraud. That's not including the times they got away with it.[/FONT][/QUOTE]I have to agree. XP Who knows how many have gotten away with it. lol

Anyway... here's a list a friend sent me that's a top ten observations/thoughts for the year 2005.


[B]Number 10 [/B]- Life is sexually transmitted.

[B]Number 9 [/B]- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

[B]Number 8[/B] - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

[B]Number 7 [/B]- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

[B]Number 6[/B] - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.

[B]Number 5 [/B]- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

[B]Number 4 [/B]- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

[B]Number 3 [/B]- Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

[B]Number 2 [/B]- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
[B]
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT:[/B] We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]SunfallE just provided us with one of the best jokes to grace this thread. Praise![/COLOR]

[Boo]

[size=1]There once was a man who was increadibly rich, had a beautiful wife, and a newborn son.

On the son's third birthday the dad asked. 'son, what do you want for your birthday? You want a tricycle, a playmat, anything?'

The kid replied 'dad I'd like a pink ping-pong ball.' The dad thought 'oh he's just a kid he doesn't know what he wants' so he bought him a tricycle and some toys.

On the kids twelfth birthday the dad asked 'son, what would you like for your birthday? A four-wheeler, a ten speed, anything?'

The kid replied 'dad, I'd really like a pink ping-pong ball.' The dad thought 'oh, he's just messing around,' so he bought him a nice bike and an iPod.

On the kid's sixteenth birthday the dad asked 'son, what would you like for your birthday? A nice car, a speaker system, anything?'

The kid replied 'dad, I would really like a pink ping-pong ball.' The dad thought 'he must be out of his mind,' so he bought him a brand new 2007 Jeep.

When the kid graduated from high school his dad said "son, I'm so proud of you. Is there anything you want? A new place, a condo, anything?"

The son replied "dad I's really like a pink ping-pong ball" his dad thought 'oh, hes just messin with me' and hooked him up with a nice apartment and filled it with furniture.

6 years later, the son was married and his first child was on the way. The dad said, 'son, I'm so happy for you, what do you say you move into a mansion across the street from us?'

The son replied 'actually, dad, I would really like a pink ping-pong ball.' His dad thought 'aw, hes nuts,' and threw in a couple extra achres for the heck of it.

Then one day, the father heard that his son had been in a terrible car accident. He rushed to the hospital and saw his son hooked up to all kinds of medical devices. He held his son and said, 'son, please is there anything you want, anything in the whole world?'

The son replied 'I would really like a pink ping-pong ball.'

The father said, 'okay, but I've gotta know why, for your entire life you've asked for this pink ping-pong ball, why?' His son opened his mouth to speak, but died.

The moral? That was boring as crap.

Moo.[/size]

[Gavin]

[SIZE="1"]*Shoots Boo for his last joke* I wanted to know why he wanted that damn ping-pong ball so badly. :animesigh

Found this in my inbox this morning, anyone who's worked in a big company will no doubt agree.

[B]Swearing At Work Policy[/B]

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

[B]1)[/B] TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

[B]2)[/B] TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

[B]3)[/B] TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

[B]4)[/B] TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

[B]5)[/B] TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

[B]6)[/B] TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

[B]7)[/B] TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f____ing problem.

[B]8)[/B] TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

[B]9)[/B] TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

[B]10)[/B] TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?

[B]11)[/B] TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

[B]12)[/B] TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

[B]13)[/B] TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

[B]14)[/B] TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

[B]15)[/B] TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

[B]16)[/B] TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

[B]17)[/B] TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

[B]18)[/B] TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources[/size]

[pooperson]

[COLOR="DeepSkyBlue"][SIZE="1"]Excuse me, Boo? (Read number 12 on Gavin's). Grrrr!

K... What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

... [B]Dam[/B][I]![/I][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Rachmaninoff]

Well just like others, my friends like to send me jokes via e-mail, so here's one I got last week.

[B]Hillbilly Mirror [/B]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly heifer he's runnin' around with."